Be your best TROLL!!

DISCLAIMER- I put this thread in OFFTOPIC space deliberately because of its nature. Im simply trying to lighten up the mood for users on what is and remains a serious topic.
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There seems to be a very small number of trolls on this site (you know who you are) so i thought it would be interesting to think up of a message YOU would send if you were a master troller. Think of it as an exercise in demonstrating the stupidity of it all-
my crappy example below:


PLEASEDONTFEEDTHETROLLS

Hi guys,
Love the site! a med student friend of mine told me recently that if you masturbate just before getting screened for drink driving you wont get a reading but you have to do it quickly though (like 5 minutes before). He says hes done it like 4 times now and the reading came back zero everytime!! even though he drank stuff (something to do with protein and enzyme things).

Has anyone heard of this? im scared because im stuck on a rocky place. I either get busted for drink driving or I masturbate! - what should I do? Please answer me I really need to know!