Not sure what I want

This will be a long post, with so much on my mind. I hope nobody finds this too triggering.

I started using porn around 2003 I think. I was a casual user for many years and started using more around 2009-2010, or at least that's roughly when I got worried for the first time. Things got pretty bad. I sought help, online and from Sex Addicts Anonymous, in 2013 when I was in a desperate place. I was still in the cycle of sobriety and relapse. I quit the meetings in 2015 and was doing better afterwards, although still using every couple of months or so.

In a moment of rare determination, I vowed to quit porn in 2016. That resolution lasted well over two years. About three months ago I went back to porn and I've used maybe around a dozen times since then. I had an injury that some might say triggered my relapse, but I still think of it as a convenient excuse.

During my years of abstinence, I did sometimes fantasize about going back to porn someday. The idea of really cutting those ties was too frightening. Sometimes I felt very deprived without porn. Most of the time I was pretty content with abstinence and often very glad that I wasn't watching anymore. During those years I had other problems, not related to addiction. They didn't lead to relapse or even any serious struggles to resist porn.

After that long abstinence, porn use felt different. At first, I did feel like I returned home. I even thought occasionally that it was a mistake to abstain. It wasn't. Life was better in many ways. I noticed that there was no feeling of powerlessness anymore. I really do perceive it as completely a free choice whether I use or not. That doesn't automatically mean it's not a problem.

I'll be brutally honest here and tell you that I do love porn. That's why I used it before and that's why I returned to it. On one level I want to be a functional addict and I've been reading about how to do that. One powerful thing has been to acknowledge the ethical side of porn. I decided to never again just randomly search it online. I need to know where it comes from. That also means paying for it. I just ordered a couple of DVDs online, which is something I've never done before.

So on one side of the scale, I want to be a responsible, ethical, porn consumer and a functional addict, who only watches occasionally and manages to balance it with other things in life. I definitely wasn't like that before, but now it seems like it might be feasible.

But on the other side of the scale, I feel like that would be a huge mistake to go down that road. Porn use did cost me a lot. I'm not a moderate user. I do binge on it, although less than before. And there were times, many times, even long times, when I was very happily living without porn. And the whole notion of functional addict does seem like a myth at times. Or at least the notion of staying that way indefinitely.

So, that's basically why I joined here, to hear what others think. I imagine most, perhaps all, will say that the latter side of the scale weighs more and I should go with that. Feel free to say that. I think a part of me is hoping you'll say something that convinces me to knock it off.

There's a third option between those two sides of the scale. It's the sobriety-relapse-cycle. I lived that life for years. I don't want to struggle with myself anymore. If I'm gonna watch porn again, I want to see it as a free choice, not a relapse. I want to own my decisions, whichever way I decide. I also don't want to make any more promises that I won't keep. So if I decide to quit porn for good, I need to be certain of that, with no half-stepping.

 

Thanks for the responses. Committed to One, you contradict yourself by asking for opposing arguments and also saying you don't care what arguments people bring up. Also, your truths are mere assertions. To counter the first one, I'd encourage you to read this piece: (Apparently I can't post links yet. Google "clean slate addiction blog". Go to the bottom of the page for tags and click Moderation. You'll find a piece called
Successful Moderate Drinking / Substance Use – Who can Moderate, When, and How?
) Granted, it's about alcohol and drugs, but it's the same basic principle. Don't they always say that porn affects the brain like drugs? Addiction isn't a disease. Addicts don't literally lose control, ever. And that's the only way you could argue that porn use will always escalate. The people who believe in loss of control/powerlessness over addiction are the ones who have the biggest binges. When you think about that, it's not hard to see why.

The second truth does have some truth into it, but you make a mistake by putting everything in the same category. You even appeal to all the abusive and illegal stuff out there, as if you could generalize from that. As a thought experiment, if I were to go back to porn use, do you think it wouldn't matter the least bit what kind of stuff I was watching? It's really all the same morally speaking?

Nobody has keys to your brain. If they did, I can't see you could've possibly abstained for 200+ days. Loss of control is a myth. People always choose what they watch and how much. Perceiving it as out of control or blaming it on the industry is way to evade one's personal responsibility.

bfdet, you make a point, but you might have misread my post a little bit. I re-read my post and I don't think I suggested that I need porn. I said I like it and the point of the post was about whether or not I should integrate it into my life somehow. There are many things I don't need, but still ain't quitting. I don't need energy drinks, but that alone won't make me give them up. Not a perfect analogy, but like porn, they do have a downside. Your question can be flipped on it's head. Do I NEED to quit porn? Well, I guess that's what I wanted to find out. Probably not. I can imagine it having some role in my life, much smaller than in the past. But even if I don't need to quit, that's not necessarily an argument for porn use. Life with porn isn't necessarily horrible, but life without it can still be better. I guess that's the really important question to ask myself; even with the most positive experiences I could have from porn and with the least possible drawbacks, would it make my life better or not? I don't have an answer to that right now.

One thing I want to make clear is that in no way am I suggesting anyone here to use porn. Everyone should make those choices for themselves and own them whatever they are. I have no doubt that many people are happier without porn in their lives. What I am saying, though, is that nobody needs to believe in addictive disease/loss of control or perceive all porn use as inherently immoral to justify their abstinence.