28 year old female with big plans!!

Hello everyone

I'm new here! Initially I didn't want to post anything but just read some info, but I think that posting this might keep me more motivated.

So here is my story. I'm a 28 year old female and I live in Europe. I come from an arabic muslim background (not a believer myself) and I have a very controlling mom. I am not allowed to have boyfriends and I'm expected to stay virgin till I get married. I love my mom and I know she is telling me all of this with good intentions, but I don't believe in that myself and I felt like I was in a cage for a long time. I discovered porn at the age of 11 on my brothers computer and I got addicted. I used PMO to deal with my emotions for so long. I was always feeling embarrassed afterwards but I couldn't stop.

So I've never had a boyfriend. I'm not sure wether it was because of my mom telling me it's the worst thing you can do (haha) or because I was addicted to porn which was making me very insecure and depressed. A lot of people told me that I'm attractive and I was getting quite some attention from guys, but I was soo insecure because I was always comparing myself with the pornstars with big asses and nice boobs (which I don't have ) Last year I decided to work on myself. I started meditating and reading books about psychology. It helped me to overcome some trauma's and I was rarely PMO'ing at that time because I just didn't feel like it! Which was a great! I even concluded that this virginity thing was really a burder on me so I wanted to loose it asap. I thought if I loose my virginity I really choose what I want over what is expected from me.

Soooo I met a very nice and understanding guy! He knew my story and was really sweet. We weren't super attracted to each other but we decided to get intimate and it happened! I lost my virginity! I assumed I would be sooo happy because I finally choose for myself, but the days after I felt really sad and started PMO again. I really didn't understand why, because I wanted it so bad and it was nice (not painfull) and I felt really safe with that guy. So I figured it had to do with my upbringing. It really felt like I had done something bad. Which is BS, so I'm working on myself again

Now I'm starting the nopaf challenge, because I want to feel good again. I don't want to feel insecure and depressed anymore. I want a boyfriend and enjoy being intimate with someone because I deserve it! I can't let my mom control my life anymore. So I'm starting this journey together with you guys Wish me luck!