I really need to accomplish this!

I have been a porn user since I was 13. My older brother kept magazines tucked away in a sock drawer and after stumbling across them one day (just snooping around), I found myself getting excited every time he would leave the house, as soon as he would leave I would be sneaking across the hall straight to that drawer. Sixteen years later, and I’m still hooked on pornography.
I was an incredibly ‘late bloomer’, my first sexual encounter was when I was 24, and I couldn’t get an erection. About a year later I had gone on a date with a coworker and she invited me back to her apartment, and once again I was unable to perform.
Six months after that I started dating a woman and I enter into my first actual relationship. The first couple times we attempted to have intercourse, you guessed it, I was unable to perform. I would make excuses but she eventually caught on. Then, after 13 years of not telling a soul about my ridiculous habit, I finally admitted to someone that I had a problem.
She was really understanding, and exceptionally supportive. She put blockers on all my devices, and I had my best streak to date. Then we got into an argument, didn’t speak for about a week and I relapsed (I had to get my phone reset back to factory settings because I couldn’t figure out the password, the more I think about it the more pathetic it sounds).
I then learned to time out when I would use porn. And if it was a night she was coming over when I wasn’t expecting her, I would pretend to not feel well and stuff like that. For years I was unbelievably depressed because I was a virgin for so long. I finally got the opportunity to have intercourse on a consistent basis and I was choosing porn instead.
We dated for about a year and a half before she broke it off, she didn’t think it was going anywhere, and she was right, I was now hiding my porn addiction as well as my alcoholism (yesterday marked my one year sober streak) so there was always like a gap between us.
After she broke it off I gave up all of the porn restrictions that I had put into habit, restrictions that made me a moderately functioning man, or at least creating the illusion that I was one. Now, I was back to using porn at least once a day.
About six months later I met a woman at a carnival (I was in the dunk tank), we seemed hit it off so I asked her out to dinner. I told myself after our first date that I was done with pornography, and I made it about 2 weeks. During that time we had gone on a few more dates, we had sex and I did perform, I was unable to finish though.
The next night she started texting me some flirty things, and I took it too far with a couple of my replies, to the point where she definitely thought I was weird. Things were going great up to that point, and I have not gone out with her sense. At the time I told myself it was the alcohol, (that’s actually one of the final thing that made me decide drinking) but I’m now realizing my porn use was just as much of a contributor to that, and it makes me feel like shit!
I am now at the point where it eats up so much of my time and energy. Im constantly tired, by myself, sad and incredibly socially paranoid. I’m so tired of lying to myself. I’ve said, ‘we’ll quit tomorrow’ and, ‘this one last time and then we’re done’ far too many times to count. I honestly feel like it’s ruined my life. I want to quit right now!


(I know that was pretty lengthy, it felt really good to get off my chest and I actually came to some heavy realizations just in the process of writing it. Thank you for those of you that read it, and any advice would be very helpful and appreciated. And I hope I’m not coming off as cocky, I understand it’s going to be a long and bumpy road, I’m nervous and am filled with uncertainty about a lot of aspects. I live by myself, which means I’ve got a lot of time I’m alone, and I can’t really think of any hobbies I that really interest me, if anyone has any ideas please let me know!

 

Thanks for the tips and the support brother! Really really appreciated!! I’ll have to check that book out