I need to vent about myself

Hey, I'm not entirely sure this is the right place to do this but I'm just looking to vomit my thoughts into a jumbled wall of text in hopes of feeling slight relief. Sorry for the incoherent format:
A while back I had post a thread saying that I would post every week, at least one time. This was a sad attempt at just making conversation to the void. What I really needed (and still need to this day) is just someone who is willing to sit there and listen to me. This post, I guess, is an attempt to make up for that. From that failed attempt onward, I've trapped myself into my own head. There are too many things that scare me in life and I'm scared to confront them. I can't blame all of it on my PA but it's definitely has it's role to play. I have an accountability partner which has been helping for quite some time, but it's no replacement or solution to just letting it all air out.
Through the AP, many things have changed within me. I'm socializing much more with my family and I love it. There are many times in a row where I don't even think about my PA and I just go through a stress free day. However, when the urges kick in, it kicks in hard. It's almost like every time I put more effort towards the next attempt to curb the urges, the urges fight back twice as hard. It's like my body isn't use to certain positive changes and it's constantly trying to shut it down. I know that there are ways to beat urges, but I'm so horribly inconsistent at doing so. I've tried yoga, working out, drawing, and just playing games. I've even tried going outside more frequently.
Rewinding back to when I mentioned things scaring me, I really meant it. A bit of it comes from my sheltered lifestyle but my stress and anti-social personality have a complete grasp on, well, everything that I do and say. I want to make friends but I'm too scared. I don't know what to say and saying the wrong thing bothers me to no end. I've tried forcing myself into a position where I need to be reliable to the other person (group project, type things) and surprise surprise, I failed them.
Then comes today. A rough night's sleep, plus stress from an interview I have set for tomorrow, plus the 10th - 12th day of a streak is usually my limit.It all got the better of me and I failed myself and my accountability partner by caving in. Twice. I started browsing google images because I've accidentally trained my mind to believe "if I don't masturbate, then I don't have to reset my counter.". Rookie mistake 101, I know. It started off pretty tame, but to my surprise the "see more images" can get pretty deep. I'm not fully sure how Images works but it certainly wasn't what I was expecting. So much so that I physically got sick just from finding out how easily accessible certain content is.
I desperately want to change, but my motivation well is only half full and it's feeling too much like an impossible task. It just seems like whenever there's a glimmer of hope I fail and just crush it. I don't want to lose family, friends or any more of my life because I can't be responsible enough to commit to something. Commitment is probably my number 1 struggle and I have no idea how to fight to make sure I can stay committed. I wouldn't even know where to start.
Any way, if you actually read the whole thing, I thank you. Just knowing someone, somewhere actually took the time helps a little. At least a decent remind that I'll never be along in this struggle. If anybody has some wisdom or insight please, please don't hesitate to response. It's a mix of desperation and genuine curiosity because I always want to be a better version of myself.