52 year old trying to reboot

Afternoon,

I've been trying to kick the habit for quite some time. It all started back when I was a teenager. I've always felt that I wasn't attractive to the opposite sex. I'd shy away from talking to any girls in high school other that the cordial talk in class. May be that got me through college without following my brain in my trousers. At any rate with the advent of the internet it only got worse. Cell phones caused it to increase as well. When I was married my ex would use sex as a weapon. She'd withhold it if I didn't do what she wanted. She was narcissistic and it wasn't good relationship. We'd go months on end without sex. This was during the time that high speed internet became widely available. As you can guess I turned to porn for my orgasm fixes since I was effectively banned at home from it. I had a terrible premature ejaculation problem when I was married. We ended up divorcing and I was committed to staying single for a year post separation so I wouldn't jump at the first rebound relationship I came to. DSL and porn to the rescue again. Once I got into a relationship I had the opposite issue. I had delayed ejaculation problems. The first few times I went for didn't climax at all. It was comical going from a quick draw McGraw to a marathon sex man inside 18 months. But it wasn't funny. I could always masturbate and climax within a few minutes. I couldn't understand how the real thing was so hard. Even though my girlfriend was very beautiful and surgically enhanced on the front end so to speak. Very desirable woman. At first my porn usage decreased when I first started to date. Eventually I was able to climax during sex, although it took a while, she didn't mind. That relationship started to go south and I started back on the PM. We broke up. Looking back I see my use of PM was a contributing factor in both break ups. I had a few relationships after the first post divorce girlfriend (who lasted 4 years).

My ex said I never had and orgasm during sex. Orally she did. But never during sex. She said I did not satisfied her. She had an extra marital affair and told me in quite detail how the other guy satisfied her very well. I felt like a complete failure. During one of the ending arguments she made discouraging remarks about my size. I think she was just being hateful to bring me down. In all my sequence relationships, my girlfriends told me the very opposite. Yet that's still in my head. And I use PM as a way to get something I felt like I lacked. The ability to really satisfy a woman. Despite the fact they (post marriage relationships) all told me the opposite.

I'm Catholic and should be blind and going straight to hell from all the PM I've done in the past. J/K I go to confession so I should just be blind. Come to think of it my vision has gone south. NM. I have been trying for years to stop PM. Back to when I was married. I feel extreme guilt and remorse after I PM, yet for years I've gone back to it. To feel better about myself, when I feel less than worthy. I have stopped for long periods of time, not sure the duration maybe a month. My frequency is inconsistent as the years go by. Some due to me wanting to quit, some due to my schedule. In the past year I've found myself looking at increasingly more kinky porn to satisfy my urge. Seems like I can withstand the "normal" porn. But not much of it is normal anymore.

I have a fiancé now, getting married this weekend. Our sex life is less that it was when we started dating. She has mentioned it at times. We are both busy and it's really not easy to find time. But we are no busier than when we first met. And we found the time. I need to stop once and for all. I can see that I use PM as a alternative to spending time with my fiancé. I don't want this marriage to end in failure due to my PM addiction.

So, I'm here. Starting the 90 day PM challenge. What I've noticed in my relapses are the triggers that send me off the edge. The Chive is one. Through trial and error I've ended up totally unsubscribing from all Chive emails. One click lead to another click a few days later, weeks of looking at that stuff and bam, I'm back at ground zero. So here's to day one of my 90 day PM challenge. I can't do the O part. It's my honeymoon weekend for goodness sake.

 

The Chive is an social network/publisher of various content. They either get their content from members submitting content or the admins go out and find it. The admins post the various threads. No direct member submitted content. Much of it highlights the female anatomy. So to speak. But it's not a porn site. Gals in various state of undress. Also a bunch of funny memes and feel good stories.

The honeymoon will start this weekend. Thanks for the kind words.