Introduction

Hi! I'm a 20 year old from New York, and I'm seriously devoting myself to NoFap starting today for multiple reasons, including but not limited to mental health, discipline, confidence, god, family, and my manhood.

I only started watching porn a year ago after a particularly bad depressive spell. i had been struggling with depression since middle school, and had even begun to abuse drugs by 16. furthermore, the girl that i had liked since 10th grade who subtly kept trying to make me ask her out finally got fed up with waiting around for me and started seeing this guy who was trying to get with her for a while (i come from a muslim background, and having was inculcated with the belief that being in a relationship before marriage is an affront to god as well as a source of extreme anguish for my mother who i did not want to suffer.)

i had not been a particularly sexual person prior to this event. i had occasionally watched porn without masturbating since middle school, mostly out of curiosity and boredom, but never craved it. after the ordeal, i began to watch porn more frequently to get my mind off things, slowly getting addicted, and one eventful winter night, i finally jacked off for the first time. since then i usually masturbate at least once a day, sometimes even three times in a day, and never less than once every four or five days. actually, when i was about 13 something similar had occurred (interested in a girl, girl is interested in me, but i do nothing since i know parents and religion would disapprove) and i had started watching porn (not masturbating) a bit more regularly for a few months but that phase easily subsided.

i do not want to sound as if my upbringing or rejections are the reasons that have led me to masturbating. i am fairly certain that i have some degree of depression and anxiety due to perhaps hereditary factors (my family has a history of mental health issues and suicide) along with environmental factors as my father is abusive and was largely absent during my childhood. i have not yet been diagnosed, but my mother and i have agreed to pay a visit to a psychiatrist in the next month. i believe my masturbation is one of many addictions i have or had, including internet addiction in general (i plan to participate in nosurf soon as well) and drug addiction (after my family found out i do drugs and alcohol in senior year i basically had no choice in the matter and my mother has supported me in quitting.) but nobody knows about this addiction, which in many ways is more shameful.

fortunately, my situation is not nearly as bad as some of the stories i have read here since it has only really been a bit more than a year since i started fapping. but it does have an effect. Prior 11th grade, despite my mental health I had basically been at the top of my class. after discovering drugs, however, my grades predictably pummeled. yet still, i managed to get into a top university, though only to fail the first semester, and just barely scrape by following that. i am now only starting to take school as seriously as i should, but my internet and porn addiction is keeping me from fully actualizing my goal of graduating with a decent gpa and getting into graduate school.

if any of you have read through this wall of text, please know that i appreciate you taking your time to do so, as i have never revealed this much intimate and personal information about myself even to my closest and most trusted friends and family. any sort of moral support would be greatly appreciated and reciprocated to the best of my ability. i hope not only to heal myself but to help all in the same place as me get through this tumultuous journey called life in a way that reflects the inner dignity and beauty of our souls. please contact me if you need anybody to talk to.

 

Thank you for your assuring words.