Crossroads

I just this weekend decided to drop out of a program at a university. I had my reasons; from the fact that I had to commute 90 kilometer just to get there everytime to the fact that I find the current, state ideology of a kind of toxic, idiotic Swedish left-wing narrative being showed down your throat in overt aswell as subtile ways unapealling and in conflict with my personal beliefs. I felt I had to battle this not-surpassing ambivalence and feeling of loneliness as I was the only one living so far away in my direction so I had to travel there by myself everytime and walk to the university by myself. All that time led to me gradually isolating myself socially and losing track of why I went there in the first place.

I know I am not the first drop-out, I just feel this sadness I have a hard time sticking to things sometimes and that I make personal pride and integrity a priority over long term planning which I am convinced have a much better ROI. It makes me feel like a loser/quitter. That does not sit well.

Many loose ends right now, amigos, many many many. I just wanted to say I feel lonely and sad and vulnerable in this process, so please, keep in mind this fragile state if you wanna steamroll/shower me with advice-bombs, deal ?

 

Thank you for your input your and support. Much appreciated!

 

Bump (also update)*

I feel worse and worse all the time...like I owe these other people in my class some kind of excuse or apology for dropping out, like I am a bad person or a loser to them for doing so. Total co-dependency, right?!

There is sadness, guilt and feelings of disconnect all in the mix, so very confusing even figuring out what the next step ought to be. I try to take it day by day and not be riddled with these burdening feelings but I am not managing to fend them off for very long. I distinctly get the feeling or inclination I have let myself down. That I have showcased non appealing features such as laziness, ambivalence, indecisiveness and for this I had to pay a price, a price I that for sure has taken it's toll on me.

I wish I had something else line'd up that atleast seemed acceptable from now on, but no, right now there is nothing, and I am overwhelmed. Like I somehow should have amounted to more by my age, even though I am very much aware I have a different background than most other people, living in a highly dysfunctional family and being systematically abused by both my parents particularly my mother. I suffered PTSD-C since eary twenties, and this broke me down systematically. I wonder what might have been without this, I am convinced there had been a lot fewer limitations to me.

I fell into gambling addiction to cure a broken heart, and porn as a sidedish kept me from experiencing the negative effects of gambling to the fullest. I feel blocked emotionally and I am very afraid to let the lid of, and I wonder who's got the patience, heart and desire to stand with me.

 

just check my tracker

 

Thank you for the support you're giving.

On to the main topic: loneliness and in particular my own time spent alone and being lonely since ages. I see a few interacting occurences and/or reasons for all of this in adult age. Number one is for sure PTSD-C. This has drained me of alot of energy and drive and obviously made me more lonely since tired and fatigued people with memory problems have a hard time reciprocating and are a little killjoy at times. Secondly, it is about lack of trust and fear of abandonment on my part. This makes it easier to tell tales about myself, "white lies", over being direct and honest. Also There is the underestimated component of self-awareness in terms of knowing both within and outwardly that you are alone and therefore more vulnerable and scared in social situations. Not to mention the fact women seem to think less of you being lonely then they do if you have solid social network (as if you are failing in terms of social proof)

I know I have alot of work to do. And it is not going to be easy. And I am going to have to face my fears sooner or later before they find me.

I have a few friends. I always seem to be the one reaching out to them, you know what I mean. I wish it was mutual. I really do. And that I could be myself, honest and relaxed. Confident and assertive.