Anger issues Please help...

Message me if you want. I see an anger management therapist. Has worked wonders. Crazy helpful.

 

I used to have anger issues too. Mostly because I had no boundaries and no idea how to stand up for myself. Anger is a product of feeling as though our rights have been violated. I read the book "the dance of anger" and it helped me understand that the people around me got off on my anger. They used it to manipulate me and make me feel like a psycho when I was not the problem at all! Anyway good book.

 

I swear that what's happening to me as well. My workplace is quite toxic as far as people are concerned. Someone will go through a range of "moves" to try and get a reaction out of me (Taking the piss out of the way I walk, talk or some daft mistake I made years ago, etc) and when they finally get it, I get treated like a serial killer.

I've noticed that if I just sit there with my headphones on, quietly getting on with stuff, they seem to pull this stunt alot less. Hmm, may give that book a go

 

Try this. When you get angry get some space for yourself. Then bring someone to mind for example a beautiful lady who really cares about you. Pretend she is saying "May you be happy may you be well". This softens the feeling of anger, then you can drop it and start doing what is best for the other person. When you do this you can really confuse the people who are provoking you by doing nice things for them or saying nice things. This will really finish it.

 

Ah crap! I think this book is written for women. I am a woman so I didn't realize that. Maybe there is a male version? Or it might be useful to men too, I'm not sure. This is the way my family treated me but in reality I was the only sane person in the room!

 

Sorry to hear you treated like that by your family. I think people of all genders get treated like this, sometimes. Power and control over others is the bullies objective in both cases. They loose that power as soon as you see through their attempts at manipulation.

 

Here`s the keys to the kingdom bro.

http://www.tapping.com/

For half buried childhood issues that need to be dealt with you will find nothing more effective than EFT.I swear this will help you if you give it an honest go.

Note: the free videos are all you need to get the hang of it.

 

have you tried meditation??
I've heard that it helps.

 

Two prayers:
Oh Lord God help me to keep my BIG mouth shut. Less is more.
Oh Lord God help to find patience but I want it right now.

Bullies are actually hurting themselves in the long run. It is a self centred rush similar to an orgasm they get when they dominate others. They are insecure cause they are clinging onto themselves and are disturbed every day by strong negative emotions and thinking negatively about people.

When I have tried to control people the way I think they should be people have looked me squarely in the eye as if to say do you know what you are doing. This is like a mirror where you reflect the anger back onto them. I have seen other friends do this too. As soon as the person says it you just look them straight in the eye as if they have two heads but also very strong in oneself then you just continue to be nice to them afterwards as if nothing had happened. One time this guy who had been bullying me for some time said something rude to me so I burst out crying (kindof intentionally) and said your doing just what my Mum use to do to me. That gave him a fright and he apologised straight away. That guy wanted to be my friend to dominate me. There was another girl who every time I judged her or gave her advice she would just turn her head quickly to the side and down as if she had been hurt. This made me realise what I was doing.

Bullies also love to win so trying to be better than them will only annoy them more. Give genuine complements, let them win in debates, meditate on the good aspects of them, buy them nice things.... This is only if you can't get away from them.

Some places naturally promote bullying like gang areas in the states for example or particular kinds of work so it is better to keep away from those areas.

All of the above in my opinion.

 

I love this thread. I think we have a lot in common. I was also the quiet slow kid. I have a life time of repressed anger that is burning like a pressure cooker. A lot of it is towards mostly males in my family; cousins, brother, uncles, and Dad. My dad was absent a lot during my childhood, on business. I remember a lot of pain from then, feeling abandoned and neglected. My mom and sisters were oppressive, and emotionally abusive. He was around a lot during 3rd grade through 12th, probably too much. He took great care of my material needs, but was not in tune with me emotionally or spiritually. It is the same to this day. I try to be brutally honest and vulnerable with him, and all I get is silence, or deflection. He doesn't want to hear it, it makes him uncomfortable. He wants to make all my decisions for me. I wonder if he really has my best interests in mind. I think the truth is he wants me to stand up for myself, and be independent.

I have tried to compensate for feeling unloved by trying to be a very good "Nice Guy." I get frustrated when I do not get what I feel I deserve in return. As limeaid said, I get angry when feel that my rights have been violated. I have just started reading No More Mr. Nice Guy, and I'm trying to change.

Faith has been the most helpful thing for me. I try to believe that God loves me unconditionally, and will meet my needs.

NoFap is full of enlightened people, together we are strong.

We should continue a discussion on anger management. We have a nice start here.

 

That's it! If I know this then there is never a reason to get angry or at least hold a grudge.

My upbringing sounded identical to yours except I am still trying to be a good boy to make up for not being loved. Is that why then I get angry with people when they don't live up to my expectations?

 

I'd tap that.

 

"No" is an important word. I am learning that with my son. Just to say no gently walk away and then let him go crazy if he needs to. Sometimes I have to just sit and wait for his begging / tantrum / crazy distraction stuff to be over rather than giving into it. I need to know my own boundries and stick to them gently.

 

Yes I am starting to get this. So the reason I get angry when people don't meet my expectations is because that was my learning when I grew up. I had to get particular stats to confirm my self worth. I could not just be myself and felt I had to meet the expectations of others.

To love and forgive no matter who they are or what they are doing was completely out of the question cause there was always an intellectual opinion about myself and about others.

Now I'm starting to love people by understanding them and learning from them and forgiving them. This is just happening tonight for me.

I just forgave two organisations for not living up to my standards which I could never do before because I know now that I am judging them and am not happy till they change.

Now I know I can forgive them and it doesn't really matter not matter how serious the issue is.

Thank you all.

 

I agree with those who are talking about therapists. I saw one for PMO and it helped me to resolve a lot of other issues as well. Anger was one issue of several that were connected to PMO.


I have great respect for you for trying to get this handled.... and double if you talk to someone about it. Good luck

 

Ive had huge anger issues from my adolescent years, mainly directed towards my parents.
Even now, im never known as an angry person to the people i know.
Its only at home that my anger usually comes out.

This anger drained me.
It was a huge detriment to my spiritual life.
When my spiritual practices were regular and intense, anger and lust would automatically just die down.
But only recently i have gotten the hang of sublimating lust.

Also, after reading 'Conquest of Anger' by Swami Sivananda (@DannyCool and @blindvulture, the same author of Practice ofBrahmacharya) ive been able to control my anger so much more than i ever imagined i could, actually.

But its a work in progress, still.

Like now i feel im getting irritated with my peers for not being sincere with anything we do.
Example,
There is a huge program coming up on May 6th, 7th and 8th to celebrate 100 years of the birth of Swami Chinmayananda and one event in the schedule is the chanting of the entire Bhagavad Gita by like 10,000 people. So a few of us from our college are participating in it.
So we were practicing in college today.
As we dont have many days left, we had to chant all the 18 chapters in one go or atleast we have to finish chanting all the chapters by taking small breaks between 3-4 chapters.

This is just an example of one of the situations of my anger.

I notice that its just me and another girl, who's like properly maintaing the proper chanting and all. We know its tiring to practise all of it one after the other, but still we do it, coz its a commitment we gave right?

But the rest of the people are like so lazy. After like 2-3 chaps, i notice that while the others are all chanting, they just sit there staring at the book not even opening their mouths.

It took huge effort to control my anger. I even had to stop chanting for a few seconds and control myself my closing my eyes.

Im not a nerd or a "religious" person,so to speak. So its not that im weird and they're just not interested.

Like what pissed me off, is that, people in general have zero sincerity for anything they do.

Something as simple as going for like a hiking/swimming trip with your friends. Nobody like leaves their stuff on a rock and expects the others to taks care of it right?
They did exactly that!

Well bleh..
Stuff like this.

Ive actually felt that NoFap or my practice of Brahmacharya has given me a lot of energy than what i would usually have. So then in that case, its not their fault.
I just have lots of energy and i dont really feel lethargic or lazy to do stuff when im given a duty.

But im having trouble controlling my anger with these people. I ended up like telling them "listen you people need to chant and not just sit there simply." (Im 100% sure its not that they arent interested because this is a voluntary thing, they could have quit if they wanted to, long before. I wouldnt feel angry if this wasnt a commitment thing)..

I wanted to tell them more but i controlled myself.
Im sure they already see me as bossy, dominating and as a control-freak. What can i do?
Somebody has to take responsibility.
My teacher just sits there not telling them anything. Maybe she was just tired after arranging all the books at the library, idk.

Sorry for bothering you all with such a long story.

TL;DR : im angry with peers for not participating properly in stuff. No sincerity. And that's bothering me somehow.

 

Dude, I have a lot in common with you and all of the other guys here. I know where you're coming from man! I'll tell you my story. As a young child, I had a very abusive relationship with my dad. He has changed completely so I'm happy for that. I don't blame him, he was going through so much at the time. In Vietnamese tradition, whenever you were punished, you would get hit by a stick. I remember the pain and torture. That's where most of your repressed rage comes from, usually from childhood. My anger was much worse back then, I was very explosive and physically violet. But most of that anger was unleashed in the household. I would punch the walls, hurt my hand repeatedly, hit myself in the head for things that I did wrong (usually things people wouldn't get angry too about), fought with my brothers, and was in a constant rage. I dropped out of high school and was going through a lot of shit at the time.

Now, I felt that I made a huge change in myself such as going to college and getting a job, but yet I still feel unsatisfied. A majority of people who have anger problems tend to have low self-esteem, are very hard on themselves, are more critical of others, and so on. But what's more important FallenTypo and all you other guys, is that if you don't change yourself, there will be consequences and I mean "physical consequences." Prolonged anger can lead to higher stress levels, restricted blood vessels very similar to smoking, and many other awful things. I still have a long way to go. I'm talking about 20 years of constant rage and it's not going to easy to change that.

Ask yourself, who am I affecting in the long run? Family, friends, etc.? Will it do me any good to get angry all the time? Is there any reward or positive outcome at all? And ask yourself other personal questions that can give you some reflection on yourself and why you know your anger is a problem. But contemplating on it won't do you any good. There's the need for action. I took anger management a while ago and I highly recommended it. There are great techniques that they can teach you to manage your anger. Once you complete it, you must apply these skills for the rest of your life. But it takes a lot of courage and effort to fully admit that you have anger problems and to actually do something about it.

I still have anger outbursts to this day because I've gone through a lot of personal stuff including a back injury that left me bedridden for 6 months!! I was angry at the doctors because they couldn't do a damn thing to help me and other shit. Do anything and everything to help you cope with your anger. I try to go to my temple when I can. Being around people and doing something purposeful may help you in some way. But that's just a suggestion, the rest you must find on your own. Like I said, I still have a long way to go. So for you, start making a change right now. Because if you don't, you'll pay for it in the end. Good luck bro.