Hello all and thank you for welcoming me to this amazing community, I'm a 36 year old woman, married 6 years, together for 10. Over the past 8 months or so I have learned of my husband's struggle with porn addiction and compulsive masturbation that, according to him, has been an ongoing issue for the past 3+ years or so. This has caused huge issues for our relationship and my self esteem; especially when I learned that he had particular pornstars that he had a great deal of interest in--this for me feels extremely personal, and I believe it shows a great deal of intention on his part, that goes beyond "I was just looking at random porn" as he first had me believe--although even THAT felt like a major betrayal in and of it's self. Being that I am just a mere mortal, there is no way I feel I could ever live up (ashamed of even feeling this way!) to these women in porn that were so captivating to him; so much so, that he was willing to become a liar, and chance putting our beloved, peaceful relationship through such turmoil--he knew that I have had issues with my body as well as had been raped when I was 12--I also consider myself a feminist, and we have had many discussions over the years where I felt that our opinions and ideals were shared regarding exploitation, sexism, feminism, porn etc--obviously not the reality! Anyway, those issues aside, once I started finding the porn and learning more about who and what he was drawn to, the more exposed I myself have become to it; I was simply incredibly naive that garbage was out there of this magnitude--for free. (I had been exposed to porn as kid on numerous occasions, but not since) I wanted to know what it had that I didn't, why I wasn't enough. I became very depressed. I almost feel I would further expose myself to it to hurt myself--I felt heartbroken, diminished, disgusted and aroused all at once. It got to be that if we had and argument, I would then seek porn, if I felt sad or stressed, more porn--I feel compelled to look at it and masturbate now, even though it makes me feel like absolute shit. I don't understand this behavior--I HATE the porn, what it's done to me, my husband and our relationship. It's toxic garbage and I know this. I need help. I feel it's driven by anxiety, but it's pull is incredibly powerful. I feel far too ashamed to yet admit to my husband, that now, because of being exposed to it through him, I now feel I may have a problem with it, especially when he himself is in recovery--and I feel like such a hypocrite now! I feel it's a problem because of how additionally worthless it makes me feel. I last used it yesterday. Even as I write this, I feel compelled to look at it, even though it just tears my self esteem to shreds every time. FYI, my husband has completely quit the porn and even masturbating all together for the past 6 months; he is completely and totally committed to repairing our relationship and dealing with the issues that lead to his compulsion. Any support would be greatly appreciated. I want this garbage out of mine and our lives!
You can be very thankful your husband is getting out, and your own experience can now prove to you that porn is a terrible trap and it was not your fault or any deficiency in you that your husband got caught up in it. This experience, though no doubt detrimental, can be used for the good of helping your relationship and understanding with him.
Thank you Ado. I guess I resent that he ever started, and can't seem to get past the line of thinking that because he startred, it was because there was something missing for him in regards to what I had to offer--all of the graphic ways in which he imagined himself in on the action while he masturbated himself. I also resent being introduced to it by way of his actions, but maybe in time the anger and resentment will fade. I do now relate to how it can be a terrible trap as you said.
Shores, I just joined today, looking for a (male) partner to talk with. Nobody has replied yet. I don't know your husband, did he say he started because you had nothing to offer? Honestly, I can tell you from personal experience that in my case there are a million and one personal reasons (excused) but my wife isn't one of them. She's the best wife I could ask for, and if she found out about my problem she would no doubt blame herself. Literally there's nothing more she could do as a wife and there's nothing further from the truth. Maybe you aren't as perfect a wife as mine but still unless he specifically said something I would default my assumptions to it not being about you. Actually even if he did say something, the root cause of this problem is within us it's not in our spouse. The best way you can help him is to rid that thought from your mind and rid the PMO from your life.
Thank you, that is indeed helpful. No, he said as you said, that it stems from issues he had that have absolutely nothing to do with me...I believe that from a logical stand point, but on an emotional level, it's harder to accept...working on it though! I'm glad you are here and getting help. It would be tragic to see another marrige hurt/ruined because of this worthless trash. I may not be able to offer the male perspective, but I will do my best to be objective and offer an ear if you need one
Shores, have you been PMO every day for 8 months? The sooner you can get rid of it the lesser its effect. What is drawing you to it? I also hate the filth. With the emotional side perhaps you can just give 100% unconditional forgiveness in your heart to him. You have to assume he will make mistakes again in he future, think about how hard it is for you to stop (it will be even harder for him). There should be nothing but forgiveness, don't worry it won't encourage him.
I reread your initial post, and I'm also curious why this is hurting your relationship? In other words why are you allowing it to? Your husband said he felt the same way as you about exploitation/P why do you think he was "obviously" lying? I can't feel any more strongly against P, but it's more complicated than just my ideals and feelings. Please be understanding to him and don't let P get a further victory by damaging your relationship!
Shores, Welcome! I think you will find this place very beneficial. You can talk about whatever you are feeling without worrying about being judged. I am the wife of a recovering P addict. Congratulations for your husband going 6 months without PMO! And congratulations to you for deciding to stick it out with him! There are some wonderful women on this site going through some of the stuff you are and can probably offer you some advise or support. Good luck!
Hi Shores!! I can really relate to how you are feeling. I too dabbled in porn for a while during my sexless marriage (before my husband quit PMO 2 years ago). I am in another forum consisting mainly of women and in the sex section some of the women had posted porn. I clicked on it and also go drawn into it. I was feeling so crappy about myself because of my sexless marriage that I used this to numb out. It was almost as if I used it to punish myself and heap more self hatred on top of self hatred...if that makes sense. I justified it because I had no other way to have sex so I may as well watch others having sex. I literally hated it every single time but didn't know what else to do. It was a very messed up time for me as you can see. Fast forward a year and I found out about my husbands PMO and that it was the whole reason we weren't having sex and why I was relying on PMO myself and everything just spiralled out of control. Fortunately for me I was not an addict and gave it up right away but I still feel intense shame for the few times I did it that year. My husband quit as well and our sex life is back on track. Anyway I gave you a bit of background to show you that you are not alone. You chose something that is out of character for you to deal with intense negative feelings which is what I did. It does not make you a bad person. It means that you are confused about how to deal with those emotions and there is a lot of self hatred going on. The first step is to deal with those emotions about what your husband was doing behind your back. I know it is hard to not take it personally and it effects your self esteem in profound ways but PMOing is going against who you are as a person and that will have a much bigger impact on you. You can give it up and we are here to support you
Ado, to answer your question: I guess I believe he was lying because I found that he had been on the Chive, emailing pictures from there as well as some porn to other guys he knows. I don't know if you know much about the Chive, I don't recommend going to it as it will be a trigger for you, but they have a day of the week dedicated to all the female body parts, "mind the gap" referring to the size of the "gap" between a woman's legs being among the most offensive of them imo--and the very height of egregious sexism. That's so disappointing to me, both as a woman, and a woman who happens to be married to him. If he wasn't lying, he grossly missed the point. I know forgiveness is in order, as I have decided to stay and work through it with him. It's challenging, but it is a goal I'm aiming for. I was inspired after reading your reply to message him today at work and remind him how much I love him, so thank you!
Yes!! I relate absolutely! Thank you for taking the time to share your experiences with me, and I am so happy to hear that you and your husband are getting things back on track. The havoc it wreaks on a woman's sense of herself cannot not be stressed enough. I wish more people understood this, so thank you sincerely for offering yours. I feel so ready to toss that trash out of my life for good--I'm so thankful for this site!
I totally understand that you would feel that way. As you mentioned before our logic and feelings can be opposite. I hope you can logically accept that he could be a part of all those awful things and still have different ideals. I know that I act in ways that are in total conflict with what I believe because there are competing forces within us. As you well know since you have been watching the same stuff. I know he missed the mark (not making any excuses for him) I hope you can make you see him in a more realistic light instead of a negative one. Has your relationship returned to its previous state? If not, what is hindering it?
It has not returned to it's previous state, and I'm not sure it ever can--I do however see hope for us to understand one another better, on a much deeper level. We have talked more in the past several months than ever--and I thought we were close before. I think after the dust settles, there is a real chance that our connection will be better than before--sometimes I'm too angry to see this, but it is how I find myself feeling more and more. His dedication in quitting has been a major help in that regard. I feel stopping has genuinely helped him become a more caring and compassionate individual, and I find this very attractive.
Is it just a natural disconnection as a result of the hurt feelings or are you intentionally distancing yourself as retribution? Sorry for the candor, but I'm to the point
Hmmm, probably because of the hurt. When someone you trust completely hurts you terribly, there is a natural inclination to try to protect yourself from further harm--refusing to forgive at times could be related to retribution--but I don't feel it's that intentional--it's more not feeling "safe" to trust that this person won't drive us into the ditch again.
Are you thinking in regards to your own wife's possible feelings, should your compulsion come to light?
Ok, hopefully the support from us on this forum can help with that and continually reinforcing the "logical" truth that you know. Sometimes I wake up from a bad dream and am actually angry at my wife. It goes away once I reassure myself it was only a dream. It's like that because though you felt betrayed and hurt he didn't do it out of that intention. As you know it's far too easy and accessible to start with PMO and he maybe didn't even want to do it himself. I'm giving your husband a lot of benefit of the doubt, but I wouldn't want to give P more credit than it deserves.
I wasn't, but if she ever found out she would certainly feel that way. She deserves better which is why I'll never tell her. Did you find out on your own or did your husband tell you? I 100% appreciate honesty but some things (like this in my case) more harm is done by telling your loved ones this.
