Mismatch in libido

Ofmarp · Jan 23, 2020

Hi all

new here. Bit of back story. I have been looking at porn since I was 15 on and of f. Never thought I had an addiction but maybe I did. During my life form then to now (33 atm) I’ve had periods of months to years of completely avoiding porn depending on my relationship at the time.

I’m currently married for the last 9 years. Over that time there has been a lot of ups and downs but mostly we have had a matched libido and had sex at least 3 times a week on average. Over the years and since having a baby my wife’s libido has dropped significantly.

I have decided to abstain from porn as I was feeling that I was perhaps relying too much on that and it was disrespectful to my wife and women in general and mostly just wanting to remove that from my life. I am currently 14 days in.

I’ve found avoiding porn relatively easy as I think on the surface of it I was too deeply addicted (or maybe not I can’t be sure)

my current issue is that I’m ideally “wanting” a sexual experience 3 times a week but in discussing with my wife she says she has not desire to engage or be sexual unless she is in the mood hormonally. That basically means every 4-5 eeeks when her period ends she really peruses sex for a couple of days and we will have sex at least once and then after that period she goes back to not wanting anything sexual.

I’m kind of struggling with this as without the using porn I find that I can not masturbate and fulfil my needs and she really doesn’t want any sexual involvement outside of that “sexual period” that she has. Meaning she doesn’t really flirt or touch in a sexual manner outside of that time

I don’t want to force my wife to do things she is uncomfortable or not in the mood for but also at the same time I’m finding it difficult to curb my own libido in order to match up.
Not really sure what I’m asking but any advice or ideas on the situation would be helpful to prevent me from falling back to viewing porn in order to masturbate.
Thanks

Tannhauser · Jan 23, 2020

Hey man. First, congratulations on the baby and on overcoming PMO.

One thing that has really helped out marriage since the birth of our third baby was my wife and I coming to an understanding that while she may not often be up for sex, that she would be more open to "other activities" as a substitute. Usually oral or manual stimulation. That's been a huge relief for me when I have been struggling. Sure, it's not the same, but it helps to get by for now.

Ofmarp · Jan 23, 2020

Hey thanks man.
Yeah the problem for me is that outside of that period she’s interested in sex she really doesn’t want to do anything to do with sex. I’d be fine with oral of a hand job or even some light touching or hell, I get worked up enough to masturbate after she’s rubbed her ass up against me.

I spoke to her about it a few times and she said that is can do oral but that hasn’t materialised as she is tired or just not in the mood to do it. She just isn’t really interested in any sexual activity during those 3-5 weeks

akitty820 · Jan 24, 2020

A couple things came to mind as I was reading this, so I’m just gonna throw them all out there! No idea if any of them are applicable to your situation or not.

1) Could she have post-partum depression?
2) Of course she’s tired, I’m sure you both are, but are you pulling your weight around the house/with the baby?
3) Are you doing anything to get her in the mood - showing her how much you appreciate her, taking care of her, romantic things, etc.? (But without her feeling like you’re pressuring her by doing these things with the expectation she’ll have sex with you)
4) Women can often feel “touched out” (i.e. they have their children demanding their touch all day and then a husband who wants their touch at night). Is she getting any alone time to herself, where she can just read a magazine or have a bath or call a friend or just breathe?
5) Are you a selfish lover, focused on your own O, or are you present and appreciating her body and focusing on making her feel good for her own sake?

I understand the mismatched libido thing is frustrating - I have a very high sex drive and, before we realized my husband has a porn addiction, he was choosing porn over me and I wasn’t getting anything at all.

A couple things - first of all, three times a week sounds lovely, and I completely get wanting that, but I feel like at this point having that number in your head is just setting the both of you up for failure and disappointment. It’s good to know what you want, but lowering your expectations probably won’t hurt. Also, you mention you can’t masturbate without porn or some sort of stimulation - I think you’ll find that, the longer you stay away from porn, you’ll find you don’t need it to masturbate. If you can’t masturbate without it, you’re probably more addicted than you realize.

Second, if sex with you feels like just another chore she has to do, she’s not going to want to do it - so really think about some of the things I said above. If you start to get impatient or resent her for not giving you sex, she’s going to feel that and feel like you just want sex with her for your own gratification, and not because you care about how she’s feeling.

Third, it’s a really good thing that she does feel in the mood occasionally, so she clearly still wants you and has some sort of libido. Get her help for postpartum depression if she needs it, but mostly I’d say just be patient and show her how much you love and appreciate her without expecting anything in return. Make her feel loved and beautiful and cherished. And ask her what she needs - communication is always key. Does she need you to book a babysitter and plan a night out? Does she need to have an afternoon at a coffee shop with a friend? Ask her how she’s feeling and how you can help, and, like I said, do this without the expectation of sex - do it because you love her and care about her.

akitty820 · Jan 24, 2020

Also, totally forgot to mention - does she know about your porn use? Is she going through betrayal trauma? That’s the ultimate libido killer.

Ofmarp · Jan 24, 2020

Thanks for the detailed reply I appreciate your time. I’ll try and answer as much as I can!

1. I think she did initially in the first year but after getting back into exercise etc her therapist said she was pretty much past that.

2. yeah both tired. Both work full time. We have a cleaner and I do all the meal cooking/planning/grocery shopping etc. I also do the majority of the school pick up and drop off so I feel I pull my weight.

3. I think I do. Maybe it’s not enough? I don’t know. But yes I never do thing with the intention of getting sex. Massages etc. keep all her sporting equipment maintained. Knock off work early on days she is working from home so we can duck out for quiet time before picking up. Things like that. Not huge things but I feel like operating within the bounds of having a child.

4. I think she gets sufficient alone time. We have a rotating schedule so she has 3 week day mornings to herself and half a weekend day. But I’m pretty flexible if she wants to go out or have a night out I encourage that.

5. I’d like to think so but you are only hearing this from my side. I like to make sure she orgasms during sex and is getting what she needs. When we do have sex it is honestly good and when she is in the mood she does tell me what she enjoyed etc.

6. I agree. I’m not expecting three times a week at all. I’d be happy with once a fortnight. What I guess I struggle with is the intense period where she really wants sex and then there is nothing for 3-5 weeks at a time. It really gets me down.

I agree with the possible addiction which is why I went on this process. I honestly don’t know. I’ve never really masturbated successfully without stimulation. I think I’m just a visual feeling person. In previous relationships I could masturbate successfully while my partner at the time would speak to me or touch me / wear certain clothing etc. not sure what that means.

8. Absolutely agree. I don’t even want her to have sex with me if it’s just some sort of chore. That said I’m not really sure what more I can do to put her in the mood. I do all the same little things I would on a day I know she is telling me how much she wants sex ( touching, kissing through the day, little messages, massages etc)

yes she knows I looked at porn on occasion to masturbate. That’s not an issue for her. I’ve asked her if there is anything more I can do etc but she just says she is hormonally driven and if she isn’t in the right part of the cycle she just isn’t at all interested.

Faceplanter · Jan 24, 2020

Everything you are saying sounds good. I think too that her libido will come back full time eventually but that's only a guess.

You need to get her to understand your needs are different and you are wanting to meet those needs with her and no other way as you don't want to use porn as a crutch.

I don't know if you are religious, but many Christian based marriage weekends or marriage events might be an option as they can be quite blunt in discussing men's needs and the expectations of a certain world view. I mean, I don't share their world view exactly and I doubt that many of the men there are *really* getting sex every other night, but having that as the default expectation can certainly help explain your frustrations from another voice. Some Ted talks might do the same thing.

I'd try to talk about how to overtly signal to her when you are needing her touch and then she can decide what to do about that. Let her know that she only has to do what she's ok with but it's important that you let her know. Obviously, ignoring signals all the time wouldn't be good but cross that bridge later if you need to.

I'd also suggest something I have thought of for my situation (similar). For me, surprise is a good substitute /imitation for desire. My wife doesn't desire to have sex but if she can surprise me with a handjob or more that it feels like she does desire it. So, a combination of clear signals and some variability and surprise might do wonders for your situation. Even if it works less that ideal, you can maybe visualize what could have happened for MO to make up the difference.

I also came up with a number of 3x per week after really evaluating myself after dropping Porn.....but it didn't need to be sex 3x per week, I was 1x sex and 2x per week other ways. That still hasn't happened, but things are better than they used to be.

Ofmarp · Jan 24, 2020

Cheers for the reply. Not really "expecting" 3x a week, just saying that's where my head is at. I'd be pretty happy with a handjob etc but to be perfectly honest if she's doing it out of some form of obligation (she's not horny) it's not that good. (She she's not into it she'll just wank it off and fast as she can for like a minute and that's pretty much it. It's very different when it's when she is horny and she's really putting effort into it etc.)

not really religious or that, but honestly don't feel like she'd accept that sort of advice haha. She doesn't really discuss that sort of thing with anyone (sex/relationships)

I probably sound like bit of an asshole, just frustrated really.

Log in

Mismatch in libido

Ofmarp Fapstronaut

Tannhauser Fapstronaut

Ofmarp Fapstronaut

akitty820 Fapstronaut

akitty820 Fapstronaut

Ofmarp Fapstronaut

Faceplanter Fapstronaut

Ofmarp Fapstronaut

Share This Page