Sexless Marriage - What to Do?

Your post requires a very in depth answer and the answer could not help but be in the spiritual realm but I will tell you that for myself, my wife had a major stroke several years ago and sex is out of the question. Is it difficult for me? It is extremely so! I do believe in God and if he is God he must be absolute Beauty, Goodness, and Truth. By job is not to just accept this as a burden but to embrace it as his infinitely beautiful, good, and true will. I haven't done a very good job of that which is why I am on this website but that's my goal. All the best in your journey.

 

It seems that we share several things. I was a virgin until I married at 32 but you beat me in the "window of really good sex I enjoyed with my wife" I think that my wife must have gotten pregnant on our honeymoon and after the difficult birth of our first, our love life was down hill from there. I can relate to your anger and resentment. I share that. It is the great sorrow of my life.
I should clarify; my wife and I had sex a few times before the wedding so we were not virgins when we married.
As for our situations being "a pretty crappy trade off for doing the "right thing'" I tell myself repeatedly that it's a shame that my wife had to have a stroke for me to get what I needed. That is to be selfless instead of self centered. I am not saying at all that I live up to that but it is in front of me daily what I need to become. I do believe that God will never be outdone in generosity and I believe that he gives each of us just what we need. That doesn't make it easy for damn sure but it does make it esaIER.
Best wishes.

 

Hi @Rev2.0,

I am sorry to hear about your situation and hope that I can offer some advice. My wife also happens to be 54 while I am 61. We went through a very rough time during her peri-menopause and menopause. She didn't want sex with me in any form for four or five long years and insisted we sleep in separate rooms. During that time, my right hand was my only comfort and I resorted to PMO (though admittedly not for the first time). I am happy to say she eventually came through the other side and are now having the best sex of our lives.

Your post moved me because though you clearly miss sex greatly you want to stay loyal to your wife. I'm guessing that at her age she has also gone through the menopause and clearly has many health issues to deal with on top of the usual challenges of ageing. It can be a very difficult time for a woman as she deals with changes to her body, many of them unwelcome and she may find it next to impossible to feel sexy. My own experience tells me that there is hope - changes which seem permanent can sometime be reversed.

You don't mention the state of your relationship other than your sex life. Are you close? Are you still very much in love? Do you feel like friends as well as lovers? If you can answer yes to those questions then I am confident you can rekindle your sex life in time. The human body is a wonderful thing and there is a huge variety of ways a man and a woman can bring each other pleasure in addition to PIV sex. Try to rediscover the joys of sensual touch and massage. Enjoy contact with each other's naked bodies and don't make orgasm the sole focus. Take it slowly and gently and make it about the journey, not the destination. Talk to each other and find things that she does and doesn't enjoy at the moment. My wife and I do have PIV sex, but we also do mutual masturbation, oral and many other things including using toys and dressing up. Sometimes it takes my wife a long time to reach orgasm and when she has she is totally spent and relaxed. Rather than insist she does something for me, I will sometimes just hold her close and use my hand to give myself relief.

So please don't give up hope.

ANH

 

Mutual masturbation is where you masturbate together. You touch yourself in each other's company. Which, I would argue, is a better solution than solo MO. Solo MO will not help you feel closer, it will not build intimacy, and it will not make your partner feel loved. There is the possibility that mutual masturbation will.

What you enjoyed in your younger days is no longer possible. So explore the possibilities as they are now. What is your partner's comfort level and enjoyment of what acts? How can you rebuild your sex life in a way that meets her needs, and lights her fire? If you approah the issue from that perspective, then the solution you reach will feel a lot less solitary and sad than returning to solo MO.

Remember, too, that her cancer is a bigger deal than your sexual appetite. Be a loving and caring partner. Three years is a long time, and I'm guessing it coincides with her illness. Those two occasions, did she initiate? Be receptive whenever she does, and don't pressure her. If PIV is not possible, and has been your preference (either as an individual or your preference as a couple) then she is likely feeling inadequate and deficcient, consciously or unconsciously. Readsure her that you want to be there for her, sexually, and that she is enough for you.

I won't add any more because my experience of these issues is lacking and I don't know enough about your situation to know if a sex life can be rekindled between you or not. Openness and honesty about your thoughts and feelings on this issue will be essential thpugh. Don't use the barriers to intimacy that you face as a couple, as an excuse to return to your bad habits.

Good luck, and take care.

 

Ever thought of challenging the belief that you need to O? I used to think that I needed it, but since having a break and concentrating on bonding properly with my wife, our relationship has become so much stronger. There is no physical or mental requirement for O.