I'm about to relapse, these are my thoughts

I was just about to get lurked by that pornhub premium for free offer and just hammered in random letters into that form to get access. Shortly before finding a unused random-letter-number-email, my phone rung... I phoned for about 5 minutes and after that I still decided to got for it. But I also had a small reality check.

I have 4 free days now and even if I don't pass this day, I don't feel ready for the coming days. But I decided to write about my thoughts shortly before relapsing so it may help me with understanding what I have to change when having this short stage of clarity, the stage where you are disgusted and regretful and decide you have to change something. I mostly only write after relapsing or when being stable, but if you're on your way to relapsing, you don't care about writing about your thoughts. You're another person. Also now, I'm not really motivated to do that. I just do it for my future me because my past me always wished I would have done something like that. Trigger warning. So yeah, that's what's going on in my head:

I'm horny. Watching porn feels like it's the best thing that could happen to me right now. The ultimate and only thing making fun right now. There's nothing else I could do in my life right now, everytime I have an inspiring distracting thought my head immediately imagines sexual things again. Reading? May be the better thing, but it won't give you the buzz you desparetely need and you couldn't concentrate anyway. Meeting people as it's friday? You can't, lockdown. Working out, taking a walk? For what, looking good for which person? You already are healthy and not even in bad shape, why should you put effort into something you can't see the goal in? What should hold me back? 2 weeks of progress? Well, who cares about some number of days. I can restart again, being sober 2 weeks earlier isn't worth not having porn in my view of life right now. To be honest, let's just not overthink anything, it wouldn't make any sense at all - what else should you do after you got that thought out of your head? Procrastinating even more, just nothing, so it would just come back and hit even harder. Yes, people talk about addiction, but we're talking about porn, not about heroin. Also, how bad can something be that many people with girlfriends are doing? I've gone through so much struggle and pain and I'm still single even if I improved myself so hard over the last years... working out, starting a business, grooming, self-love, social skills, nofap - but what's the point? I have a buddy that is fat, depressed and drug-addicted and he has a hot girlfriend. Even if I would invest time in improving myself even more, I can't go out anyway, so where's the point in anything right now...

So, these are just some thoughts... I know, it's all dumb. I hope my disciplined side is stronger, in case it's not... let my relapse be a wakeup call so I come back here and answer these dumb questions.

Because, to be honest - I can't right now. These are all things going on in my head and I can't find the answers. I'm just held back by discipline, the last bit of myself that tells me it could be a bad idea, not even being able to think straight or knowing why, only completely overclouded by sexual thoughts. I can't think about anything different than sex.