Situation is really getting out of control ! I need help !

Okay guys, things are extremely bad at the moment. Ive never felt more scared and overwhelmed in my life. I feel like im losing control of my own thoughts, i cant control myself.
It's been 3 years i started NoFap , and i average a week and then binge. Been only to 43 once 2 years ago.
Long story short while i was still recovering from pied i decided to get into a relationship. Subconsciously it was just a way to manipulate myself to stay clean since im with someone. The problem is went out with that girl just with that as a main goal, not because i truly wanted it because of feelings. But the problem with that is that my whole life ive been" the pleaser" and i am absolutely terrified of the thought of hurting someone, i am ready to suffer extremely just to know that the other person is good and happy.
Well so it happened that this girl was this extremely innocent and needy person that is absolutely terrified of being left or dumped. A very pure and clean heart. Such a good person but very clingy.
So long stroy shot it suffocated me so bad that i cheated on her multiple times and basically went on a full blown binge of virtual sex on snap and omegle, so basically i cheated through out the whole relationship and felt more than terrible about it, absolute guilt, hate and regret all the time. You should well "why u just dont brake up with her "? Well i can't! Im absolutely terrified of leaving her because that will hurt and destroy her. And that is my biggest fear and pain. I know that things like this are worse because the lying continues but i just can't face the fear of hurting her by telling her the truth. So a year went by , i kept getting colder and colder to her. Regret and guilt are at there max. Then the lockdown for the Corona happened. I kept getting worse and worse with my addiction. Got so unmotivated to do anything. Its so overwhelming to feel like you wanna do everything but at the same time nothing at all. Depression so hard i felt like dying. Because of being forced to stay home i reflected more on myself and on my "shadow" the dark side as Carl Jung would say. I found that im a pretty big liar because of the fact that Im scared to hurt people by saying the truth. Also found out that im overthinking everything, my brain never stops. It's so frustrating. So as the days go by i see how i control myself less and less and fall further into the addiction of tinder ,omegle and snapchat . My gf insisted to tell her why i was cold and distant and i just snapped and told her that we need to end this. I told her that its me but i didnt have the courage to tell her that i dont love her. She has relationship ocd so she took it bad , real bad . Right after we hung up the phone i felt scared of the future and immediately my thoughts were "did i do a mistake ?" "She's such a perfect girl , why don't i have feelings for her " "will i ever find someone like that " and so on and so on. I cried for the first time in years. Probably because i was so numbed out out of all the PMO that was done. On the next morning i woke , literally terrified that she will be in bed crying and being hurt. And also i felt scared of being alone and not founding someone who loves as dearly as her . So i texted her n told her just her flaws and that i was suffocated but i want to try again and fix things. She said yes n now we back together. The final 3 days of the lockdown i couldn't sleep at all and it was the worst ! So much reflection on my mistakes and my regrets. Never felt so overwhelmed and depressed as those 3 nights.
The lockdown ended on Monday . I went out with my buddies. Got completely drunk. On the morning of the party i went out on the balcony to finish a blunt. I smoked a little bit faster than usual. And all of a sudden this HUGE WAVE of discomfort and depression came over me. It literally felt like im dying. I was like "ok so this is it, end of the road" and believe me when it was the most scary and uncomfortable feeling in the world. Next thing i know i passed out and seconds later woke up on the floor of the balcony. Felt just awful. I was so high i realized and was thinking how life is suffering and its this mean and tough place that beat u down if u let it. So today, i had some papers to finish but as always i didn't because i was overwhelmed of the fact that i had to do something. I think i have anticipatory anxiety but im not sure. So instead of finishing work, i ended on tinder and fucking relapsing yet again. Tomorrow i gotta meet my gf after the "break up " for the first time, spend 3 days at her place. I don't know how i feel about that. Also i feel so depressed and in disorder now i accepted to go to a psychiatrist and tomorrow is my first appointment.

I just feel like whatever i do it will be "bad" and i will always suffer no matter what so i question my existence . Its just so scary and painful. I need some advice and support guys!
Tank you !

 

I truly appreciate the time u took to reply . I know that and you're right . I just domt have the motivation apparently. I know exactly what to do i just never do it...