My Porn Addiction

48 Days

So far this is by far the longest streak I've ever had. For some reason it was also the easiest streak for me, I can't recall why it came to be so easy as I watched porn daily up until I decided to quit. Maybe my reason to quit was stronger than my addiction and I stuck with it, although I maybe forgot the emotions at the time. I started this streak because I was with my cousin who in my family is a complete winner. College, girls, good with people, and everyone seems to like him, and on a weekend he took me to a club because he knows that I struggle with women, and god don't I ever. I was scared stiff at a club, to be fair I don't go to them often and I was high and drunk so it added to the flame. However after the the whole thing went down we went back to his house, which is a small frat house here in Colorado, and as everyone was going to sleep I pulled out my phone and went into the bathroom to watch trans porn which even now is an addiction that I struggle with and am completely ashamed of. Don't get me wrong I'm not a transphobe, but I don't feel comfortable being attracted to them and even then it is only out of pure fetish and not attraction that they surely long for in a partner. I just remember feeling completely worthless watching it at my cousins house, especially now that he took me out to get me more comfortable with the outside world that I only dream of becoming a part of. Doing so really showed me how I was truly and addict, my life flashed in those moments of watching a trans woman getting pegged by man, where I remember how I used to love just seeing the tits and ass on a magazine and the thought of a transgender used to make me cringe, where girl on girl porn was extremely exciting and then for the life of me it no longer was.
I've read that as an addict to any type of drug you find ways of doing it anywhere, such as a child's birthday party, a family event, your own home with many people around. And me doing so in the bathroom of my cousins own home where many other people sleep, really struck a cord with me. So I decided to quit entirely, and for another month or so I struggled to find my streak, then I decided to write my thoughts on the subject at work where I am usually alone, then it all clicked, I was motivated to write every so often on my forum. I guess the amount of work I put in to writing these posts motivated me into not breaking my streak and to see the number displayed on top of my posts go back down to zero. The power of writing is extremely helpful in making a change, its no wonder that Jordan Peterson made a self authoring program for failing students and boys wanting to be men.

My life at the moment is still a mess but I appreciate the things I have that others lack. I have a nice car, a caring family, I have friends, and I have cousins that want to be around me. Although Im not too great with women or people, thats a skill that can be grown and honed. I have a very persistent personality, where If I put my mind to it I get really good at the subject. I taught myself how to play piano at a young age and eventually learned how to play Moonlight sonata 3rd movement which is one of the hardest pieces made by Beethoven. Growing up I wasnt the best at math and was placed in a IEP program where they pretty much hold your hand on subjects that are too tough. In highschool I've gotten so good at math that I had smart people asking for answers from me, and I Aced many tests in my final year of high school with it being my worst year to date. With this challenge I have struggled the most having to run in circles for years after highschool finding what could be wrong with me! Porn although fine in moderation, really has crippled my ability to handle stress and have meaningful relationships, and now that I've been off of it, I dont plan on breaking the streak seeing how much better of a person I am.
I've grown to have more appreciation for the things that I have rather than the ones I lack, I've read where people in third world countries tend to be the happiest, they have the most amount of struggles and fears but seem to take appreciation for the smaller things that they have and not dwell on what they lack. Im taking an initiative to have gratitude for what I atleast have, because im not as alone as I have thought myself to be for many years. I have many opportunities and a great chance at being the best person I could ever be.

 

Ill have a talk with my therapist if thats ok for me I appreciate the response!

 

I really do need to implement meditation alot more while on nofap, I feel im more stressed and on edge now than I was before. Which is probably a good sign.

 

Day 53

A week away from two months nofap and I feel great at accomplishing something this far. I honestly dont feel any different other than having drastically deeper voice, and I've gotten taller? I dont know if nofap has an effect on height but it is an odd thing to have happen to me. I was barely taller than my dad and about a smidge taller than my cousin, and now im about two inches taller than both of them hitting atleast 5' 10" 1/2 or 5' 11". However my theory is that due to nofap I may be standing more confidently and in effect causing me to be taller. Who knows? I do know for sure my voice has gotten extremely deep, before I would have random voice cracks and would often cause a lot of stress on my throat due to trying so hard to make it deeper. However now it sounds even and calm, rarely any voice cracks and every day it seems to get deeper, its honestly blowing my mind.

As an effect of reboot I read that you'll tend to have very vivid dreams and boy is that true, Im having vivid dreams every night now, even down right terrifying and kinda nice dreams, and on top of that they are all lucid dreams, so I am aware of that I am asleep but I just let the dream happen, kind of like acting out in a play. I dont know why I have this awareness in my dreams, but every night now I know that I am dreaming and I know that whenever I try to control it I tend to wake up, so I learned to just go with the flow, and I have better sleep that way.
I haven't dream't in a while before nofap and when I do they were never as vivid nor even as memorable as to the ones that I am having.
I dreamt the night before that I was in my room and I M'd to Porn and I remember feeling a complete shame over how I lost my 40+ day streak and now I have to start over. Then in that moment I realized that I was just dreaming then woke up to see that nothing happened.
So what I read was that nofap rewires you reward system and dreams are heavily involved in your reward system, and so with porn out of the way your mind has more room for dreams and other enjoyable things.

Girls are alot more attractive to me more thats for sure, before it was always a certain standard where they had to have a perfect ass and nice face, and a certain attitude. Jesus, no wonder I wasn't able to get a girlfriend with those out of proportion standards. Well, its not impossible for me to not have one with those standards, but I even know that right now I dont have the emotional or social understanding to have one with those standards. So as any game starts, you start at level one and start small and get the girl that doesn't fit your standards but fit you emotionally and go with the flow, it should be as easy as it sounds but I just struggle with talking to them. Now however I understand that I would often feel very stressed over trying to have sex and downright ruin the interaction with my obvious sexual energy, and now I see that if I just talk to them like anyone else then it will get better. I realized yesterday that back in high school I used to have conversations with girls that had boyfriends and they would always be into me after talking to them, my dense ass didn't get it then but I was practically stealing peoples girls without having the intention to, the boyfriends wouldn't like me and now I can see why. I dont know if was porn or what but I was a complete sucker when it came down to understanding people.
Im no dime but I am very good looking as being the only one in my family that has green eyes, light skinned Mexican, and with a muscular build and broad face, so its no wonder these girls before would show more interest in me than their boyfriends. I remember one guy wanted to kick my ass and I wanted to too because he was verbally abusing her, but he was mad because she started to show more interest in me than him (he never did btw, once it came down to it he chickened out). Now that I think about it, it may have been my fault for the abusive attitude toward her because I also did have interest in her too. Man what a confusing time that was.
Back to how I talk to girls. Whenever I knew they had a boyfriend, I guess I knew since they had boyfriends then they wouldn't go after me and the idea of sex would go out the window, then without that idea in my head the conversations flowed more and felt more in the moment. It was like this with every girl with a boyfriend. I remember I went to a new years party in 2018 and I was having a conversation with 3 beautiful girls and literally the two of them told this one girl to break up with her boyfriend in front of me all while she was showing interest in me, by grabbing my leg and getting close. Christ Im either dense or on the spectrum because it couldn't have gotten any more obvious than that.
But that was the past, atleast I know what all that meant before.
It's pretty hard to explain, but Im really starting to UNDERSTAND, if that makes sense. Like im becoming aware, or like im waking up.

 

Day 57

From 57 days in I could say that for one im starting to see me depression lift...slightly. There are days where it is really bad and I get in a state of anger and regret, but when this happens I try my best to meditate and it seems to work. The beautiful thing about it is that I am learning to control my emotions and stay calm, I realize now that I am more consciously aware that I do act like a little boy in a 19 year old' body. Its something that I haven't seen but now its right up in my face, its a complete disconnection of what is me and my mind that I now see what my mind has become from all of the years of constant avoiding.
I'm doing a practice now where when I have a negative memory or thought I explore the source of it without any kind of judgement and try my best to find myself out of it. Jordan Peterson has stated that letting an embarrassing or sad memory linger can cause serious problems in the long run if you don't confront it from the start in a healthy manor. So by exploring how I feel and letting the storm pass has helped, but most days it does take control anyways. This time however I can see it when it happens, before it would be like trying to remember the moment at which you fell asleep and became unconscious, and now its like trying to remember a dream so much so that I know when I started to feel negative at a certain part of the day but I don't remember what got me into that loop. I've had memories as a kid where I would cry saying how kids dont like me to my teacher, but honestly dont remember being bullied. If anything they were just kids toward me and never negative in any way. I just bullied myself telling myself these lies to where I manifested what I thought to be true, doing self destructive behavior in order for people to actually not like me. I guess I was never good at handling my thoughts and it became a monster that I can barely see now that makes me extremely unnecessarily paranoid.
I have a thing that I do that I call reinforcement, where if I think of time that I did something embarrassing or where if I DONT KNOW if it was embarrassing I would have this nagging thought to ask a friend, sister, mother, cousin, if I really did do something out of the norm. This paranoia now ignored gets me into a state where my head starts to get real heavy and the urge to ask someone grows exponentially larger. "I JUST NEED TO ASK THEM WHAT HAPPENED!" it would say. But with all of my willpower I try to not ask and meditate it away because I know that when I ask it just makes it worse for me. When I do meditate though my mind just gets angry at trying to relax as if its a flight or fight response where its on high alert with the bells ringing and refuses to say its a false alarm.
Im not perfect because I still do ask, but it is getting better. Reinforcement is just my tool that I learned at a young age to feel in control of any moment and when I let my guard down I ask others to reinforce the time that I lost. Anxiety from what I learned is just the fear of losing control and when we dont have a control of our environment we get distressed about how they had no control over the uncontrollable. That's why OCD, Schizophrenia, Social Anxiety, HOCD are all related to anxiety due to trying to control what they cant. There are studies to where people with onset schizophrenia had a previous anxiety disorder, while it is mainly determined by genetics, they say that if they recognized it early on they could have treated the patients better. OCD is the urge to control the paranoid thoughts with rituals. HOCD is the constant need to control your thoughts away from gay thoughts and if its a gay thought it must mean your gay, so the ritual could be to watch porn and look at straight porn to see their reaction to it to gain control over their thoughts. This one is really common among the NoFap community and even I have struggled with it, and it is mainly due to looking for a better high rather than actually being gay.

I can't wait until the day where I have the AHA! moment and then everything will come into perspective. I remember I saw a swedish girl in cancun when I was 15, and god damn my mind went crazy while in the pool that day, being overweight and unconfident thinking of one day having a babe like that in my life. With nofap and me taking in these steps to get better I finally feel like im heading in the right direction. Im not one to believe in these things people say where women magically come into your life and you get superpowers, but I do believe that down to a psychological level nofap makes some huge changes to your mind and body.

 

66 days
While scrolling on reddit this morning i found that r/worldpolitics became a NSFW site because of the lack of moderators on the subreddit. I thought that looking at these women would trigger me, but instead I felt nothing, I felt zero stimulation toward the photos. On this same morning while heading to the grocery store I saw a very attractive woman, and I felt interested and her presence literally made my mind go crazy. So I could say that my porn addiction although not completely gone is fading. Im still worried about my fetish with trans women though. I read that the mind even after years of no exposure to a high can bring you back to your original state if you're not careful, like a smoker smelling a car that was owned by another smoker, it can trigger the part of your mind that starves for some sort of stimulation and bring you back into your old environment.
I've been feeling really terrified with any sort of explanation, a man with PTSD might think of a reoccurring thought of what happened in Iraq, or someone with OCD might think of how they might of left the stove on the whole day and have that as a source of their fear. But me, I cant seem to just pin point it, its not obvious to me, and I think of many reasons as to why I feel terrified at a previous moment but it always comes full circle and leads me to just thinking of how terrified I am. In an effort to figure this out I asked my dad who always seems to know what to do, and seems to never be terrified although even if he is he handles it professionally and in a healthy manor. He told me I might simply just be afraid of NOT being AFRAID. At that moment it made total sense, I would look for reasons to why I was scared and would add to the flame to why I was scared creating a loop of thoughts that leads me back to why I am so scared, then I ask again, then again, and again. A loop of questions that leads to answers that then leads to questions. When you ask too many questions about yourself you tend to ask very crazy ones once the old questions lose their spice. Like a porn addiction I guess im looking for more material and I lok for more things to be fearful over because Im afraid of not being afraid, its all I know. I remember back in highschool when I was smoking weed alot with a couple friends, and life was good, when I was high I didn't feel afraid anymore, I was feeling calm and relaxed. Then one of my friends popped up a vice video of a vietnamese trans woman that looked completely believable especially while high, and there my fear of being gay was born, the next day I had a complete panic attack of existentialism where I thought that my whole life I was actually homosexual and not straight. All of those interactions with girls disappeared and my life was now imagined to be with another man, and that didn't feel very good at all. I went crazy muttering to myself the whole day "im not gay, im not gay, im not gay!" Even my family noticed and told me to take a hot shower. It seemed to work once I did that. Ever since then I never felt comfortable smoking weed anymore thinking that itll make me gay if I do so. Then as time went on I forgot about the event, even now its hard to remember it even happening, and I spent the next two years avoiding marijuana and watching porn once or twice everyday. However when I look back at it when I was in complete calm and peace and had no worries, In my volnurable state of healing I triggered my mind to those sorts of things again, and I was back to being worried, deep down i've been afraid of just being OK. Its always the same thing, I find something Im afraid about and then I obsess over it. I once had a fear of tornadoes that then turned into a fearful interest that made me lose my mind when I was 12. I would often draw tornadoes with me being blown away by them, and then even make little paper scale models of tornadoes. I deeply got interested in them, but also extremely terrified of them. I live in Colorado and here tornadoes dont happen, and even if they do they dont last very long, even my 12 year old self knew that. However, one day while going to wal-mart with my family I had a similar panic attack like the most recent one, because the day was extremely windy and alot of rain. With my extreme insterest in tornadoes I knew what these clouds were, they had an upside down formation and a large main cloud where a funnel cloud might form. From here I just remember looking at the sky in a terrified state and my family trying to calm me down. I dont remember anything after. My dad told me that he threw me in a hot shower and that seemed to calm me down alot, which explains why he did so with the most recent one. Also it really explains why when ever I feel extreme anxiety I turn the water to hot and wash my hands to calm me down. I dont know why my parents never saw that as a red flag and put me in with a therapist, but I can't blame others now, im grown and I make my own decisions now.
I now see that whenever I dont have a problem in my life I manifest new ones, the most recent one was where my dad made a joke that masturbating make you lose hair. Boom, another fear born, i then obsessed over losing hair for the next 5 year until even now where Ill be bald. I am losing hair now though but it is not male pattern baldness but extreme anxiety although my thoughts disagree, im learning to just see them as what they are. Once I get over my fear of being bald, i start to fear that I am gay, then I jump back on the bald bandwagon and fear that again. It tends to come full circle, I am afraid of not being afraid. Even saying that makes my head numb, it just goes blank as it tries to make reason to it, but its true. I guess im afraid of who I can be without being afraid, that without my fear ill be gone. My personal EGO, just wants to hold on, a little boy that has never grown since then and has only learned to cope and not accept.

I've taken DMT the 5Meo-DMT in Mexico about a year ago, and in my state of being high on DMT I felt complete bliss and peace, then the thought of being gay came and I ended up coming back to my fear state. I realise now that the DMT was just trying to make me accept the thoughts of my EGO and find peace with myself. The shaman told me after that I have a deep and dangerous sadness, he felt my fear he said. I never forgot that experience, because it was like a key that opened my minds door to what I constantly feel all of the time except this time im not numb to it, but instead fresh to the exposure of all the feelings I've been bottling up. It felt like a seperation of me and my mind and for the first time I saw how I really looked and It was terrifying, and as I would always do before I ran away. I felt cold in that 100 degree weather and I held my arms in like a scared little boy. The shaman tried his best to help me breath and listen to the birds, but the noise was so loud that I couldn't ignore it. Ever since then my fear of being gay grew so large that I believed it and it felt so alien to me that I dont know what I like anymore, then Nofap came along and now im dealing with these feelings head on, I dont want to be afraid anymore, I want to feel other things.
Damn that was tough to write and even though not many people read this It does feel good to post for my sake.

 

77 days

I'm on a search for a productive hobby. I've taken up shooting some basketball hoops outside of my house after work everyday, since I want to be in the sun more and get my mind of things. Im also thinking of taking up some boxing after the social distancing is over, I heard that boxing is great for self esteem and stress and those are two things I need to work on most for myself. I've been playing a lot of video games while in quarantine but I have a past with games, where when I was in 8th grade thats all I would do is play games for most of the day. I decided at a young age that its a very unhealthy habit and sold my Xbox to a friend, now Im playing games again but not as heavily as before where now i'm aware when I'm playing too much and decide to do other things. The sad thing about it is that they closed my favorite fishing spot because of the corona and I havent been able to go outside to fish. So i've taken up playing some basketball on my free time, and growing up I've always wanted to get good at basketball but I never had the friends who played it and never even tried too since I was behind when playing it in the past. No better time than now to learn I guess.
I've realized that nofap although not a good thing is a great stress reliever for all of the wrong reasons. I say that because I think I feel worse than before but also better, its like porn just made it easier for me but never healed anything, its like SSRI's where they numb the issues at hand but don't solve anything in the long run. I am not saying porn is good for you or masturbating excessively is good also, but I will say that it was great at relieving stress and issues in my life that I never had the strength to face.
I'm feeling more in tune with myself now where before I would be very sweaty due to nervousness and I would do this thing where I would get into a trance state where I stare in a distance thinking and not being in the moment. People would tend to notice this habit and it would cause me more anxiety when they did, which then made me do it more. God how I didn't have control was just terrible, my mind was like a wild animal that just did what it wanted and told me what it wanted to. Now however, I feel a little more in control like im finally the pilot and my mind is the copilot where we work hand in hand, and he says his bit and I say mine. With social distancing around I've been mainly alone and I haven't been this alone for a long time, not the im sad kind of alone but the kind where you heal yourself from within kind of isolation. I've started nofap since the beginning of the Corona outbreak and I haven't gone out much since then, so I've taken the time to really work on my self from within and fight whatever haunts me. Slowly, the process has gained some progress and Im feeling better about myself everyday. I do have my lows and I do have my highs, but they're both manageable where it only lasts a day where I feel like a complete loser, and then the next I get back to my senses. I usually just take a mindful nap where I focus on meditation while laying down, and eventually I go to sleep in a very calm state of mind. It's very effective, where I would have suicidal thoughts and emotions that make me want to go crazy, but then I do this and then I end up feeling calm afterwards as if none of that ever happened. When I get into those mental loops I try my best not to involve my family so I dont worry them, I know deep down that its just my depression talking, I wont stoop that low, even in those states I know I wont. It's the oddest thing, it feels like the one thing my mind agrees with me on, where everything else is in the question but suicide? Its out of it, no chance in hell it says, strange...
To be honest there was a point in my life where I was sent to a hospital where they sent kids who over dose on drugs or try and commit suicide. While there I commited to never try again, and i guess it stuck, because I never even thought of it as an option for me. Even in my lowest of lows the thought would come up but I never agreed with it, and my mind was ok with that. The one thing that my mind left me alone with, it never bothers me after one suggestion. Unlike with other things where my mind says something and I try and reason with it and it just brings it up constantly. Thats the problem that Im trying to figure out now though, is not to reason with the mental banter that goes on and just label it. I've gotten pretty good at labeling certain thoughts in my mind that involve embarrassing moments in the past and same moments that happened an hour ago, I label it "oh thats a thought of the past" and leave it at that. Crazy how when I do that it fades, but the lingering effects of stress and heart rate stay, which I guess is because of the initial hit of stress hormones that have a lasting effect from a certain stimuli. Then those effects cause more stress and brings me down a loop that im now getting a good baring on. It is absolutely insane how mindful you get through meditative practice and nofap. Your mind doesn't have a lighter anymore, it takes more to cause a fire in your head than before where it would always suggest porn or analyzing a thought. Now that I meditate more often and dont include porn as well I have more mental awareness of when I get knocked out of the moment.

I've become so chill lately that Im wearing sweaters in 80 degree weather and not breaking a sweat. To give you some perspective, If I would wear a t-shirt in the same weather before and give me about 5 minutes I would be dripping in sweat from all places, my pits, my croch, my forehead. Everywhere, it was terrible and anxiety provoking where if a pretty girl was around I would sweat and that would cause me to sweat even more due to anxiety. It was a serious problem and I envied most people who always had dry pits and when they did sweat it was only a light layer of sweat and not as extreme as mine. It's gotten ALOT better, i've pretty much become those kids now and I dont sweat as excessively as before.

My voice tends to get deeper depending on how im feeling, when i feel on edge or somewhere else it tends to get a higher pitch and crack more, but when im calm and assertive my voice follows. This is why I think that its not because your increase in testosterone makes your voice deeper, but because of nofap you become a little more assertive and your voice follows and your posture does as well. My voice was always this deep, I was just always so on edge where I would put a lot of stress on my voice.

I've started to focus more on how I dress and present myself, where as before I would care a little but would put no time to.