My years of struggle

I got on masturbation quite early on, if my memory doesn't betray me then I have been masturbating ever since I was 4-6 without porn of course. I also remember having been told off for touching myself by my parents and grandparents quite early on as well. But it wasn't until around 12 that I got my first real experience with true pornography as you know it today. So I got hooked quite early on, nonetheless, my exposure was still limited since my parents severely restricted my internet use. When I was in high school, I got into my first serious relationship, and the break-up wounded me quite a bit, I didn't know how to cope. She was the only person I shared my all of my feelings with and the only one who ever really listened to me since my parents, though they are good people, haven't supported me emotionally, so it was a big blow. And porn became my de facto relief from the pain of life.

After a while, I found out about NoFap, and I have been trying to quit ever since. I have written countless entries for my journals (though with only burst of consistency), taken cold shower everyday for over a year now, meditate, read about Stoicism and general philosophy, tried to go to the gym and run (consistently until Covid hit) and socialize more. But for some reason porn use is always there lurking in the back of my mind, waiting for its chance to pounce on me. The longest I have ever been without porn was 30 days but it always end there. I enjoy reading but I always somehow feel to lethargic to do it. Most of the new people I meet always become just casual acquaintances with only the shallow polite gestures here and there, and every time I try to open up I feel like they'd like to get it over with as quickly as possible; old friends never contacted when I still had a Facebook account, and when I take the lead, it was always met with a sort of drudgery from my point of view as their replies were quite bland and disinterested. It was then that I realized I was acutely lonely, and I felt even worse because of how I depend on other people for my well-being and have no control over my own mind.

I feel a distinct sort of hopelessness on this journey as I have tried so many things but the specter of porn just never goes away. And even more so since I have no one to share it with, so I have finally turned to this forum. I know what I wrote wreak of self-pity (I know full well how I am the architect of my own misery and how privileged I am) but it is a story that I have longed to tell someone, anyone. If you have read it thank you very much.

 

From this message I'm guessing you haven't read the post. If it's too long then I understand, you don't have to reply I mostly wrote this for myself, and to share part of my experience. But I don't think posting a generic message without addressing the person's issue will really help much. I'm not new to NoFap so I originally posted on Rebooting but got moved here.

Again it's not an attack on you, I just think that this type of message makes me and some people feel a bit more lonely and unheard than before.