Serious Question; anyone suffering from depression?

Depression is a very common withdrawal symptom among recovering addicts.
Try to fix things with your family though.

 

Yes, I do suffer from/with depression and I'd consider my self a depressive. I don't know why exactly, it's complicated. I was going to make a thread about this somewhere - here...but didn't see any ample opportunity for to do so or any relevant topics posted; except this one. So I posted here. It has to do with family dynamics, genes and biology and of course the way you're socialized. That explains it right? Hah.
I try my best but struggle and deal with these issues; along with loneliness, social isolation, temper and angry outbursts...anxiety/ocd type stuff, sometimes... and just generally feeling like very shitty. One thing's for certain. I always feel like an outcast, like I am inferior in almost EVERY way.
I struggle with intense feelings of self hate, judgement, misery and sadness. I commonly feel misunderstood - most of all by my family which hurts. I am 28, the wounds are gone but they're still there, when we get together. I always felt/feel like the lower rung on the ladder. Whenever I Do speak it's like I shouldn't have. I will get criticized for this or that - I can't figure out why. My intentions are almost never bad. It has always been this way.
Every and any body can say anything in my family to eachother. But suddenly when I talk, it's like a coldness grips the room; everyone immediately changes demeanor and it's as if I feel like they have to listen or pay attention to me. Like they can see my weakness.
My brother never shuts up. Constantly talks, and talks and talks... and talks. Everybody's so interested in him. Even though he talks about nothing and constantly goes on about things. I can't stand it. The dynamic between me and my brother, my family. I am the youngest, he's 2 years older than I. I can't infact stand the whole dynamic of my family. Truthfully I never could. It sucks for me. It just sucks either way.

It's as if, my family knows that I am in a bad position. Because my brother and all, and how I am introverted. The look on their faces - it's like, some pity. Charitable look. Like the way you'd look at a blind or 3 legged dog walk or the retarded kid trying to speak up in class. Even though I am none of those things. I am soft and well spoken. I state things clearly.

But it's like people hate me for it.
...at least here they do.


I hate my family.

 

My new stepfather runs an absolute despotic control over anything and everything that he can, my Mother married this man. ... My father was much similar, although nicer and he had much more of a human element to him; which made him like able, than this man.. It seems she unconsciously seeks these types of men (authoritarian, controlling) (great right.). I can't stand the man at all, more aptly we cannot stand each other, and I actually hate his guts. I turn whenever I'm over there. He has been an MP (military police for 30 years) ...and so he's only used to approaching and 'handling' situations by gaining a power vantage point, and running everyone else into the ground until they are subdued - to his will. Naturally, its crossed over into most other areas of his life - and I, my brother and mother have to deal with it when in the new house; as do any visitors that may come by, or extended family. It's of note that...most family have visited only once.


I feel what you are saying. My intentions are good but I feel constantly as if I am not seen in the right "context". I feel that people (my fam) think I am somehow aloof, disconnected and or somehow plotting. I'll give you that I do feel the first two; but that doesn't make me bad. It makes me struggling. For some reason, when I Did try to speak up, try to contribute to the conversations and group dynamics - I've always been chastised for doing so. "rough and rude/ and or abrupt"is what I am told. In my family, if I forcefully assert or insert myself; my parents looked at it as a big 'no no'. It wasn't appropriate and was rude. I guess I am stuck in a double bind - they hardly if ever would chastise my brother for talking too much or hogging the air and subsequent attention. But if I try and assert my self by the only means possible which often meant "slicing through" to speak because waiting for one to yield was impossible - I'm seen as aggressive and hostile, impatient or rude. it's because like I said - in my family I was the lowest rung, and my brother has this obstinately obnoxious, overpowering, headstrong (though not intentional) trait of hijacking conversation and overpowering anyone by constant and forceful talking.

And so I learned that the only way I would gain some power (and thus esteem) is to override him and to develop myself. I've gained as a result, somewhat of a Machiavellian flair, I guess. Though it's out of necessity. I've always been the quiet one, the one to think quietly before I speak, calmly try and maintain collective peace and equilibrium - instead of everyone shouting and grabbing over the dinner table like savages; unable to share,

When my parents saw how deliberately forceful I was - it scared them. I think everyone's unnerved by my quietness, they are put at ill ease, by it. They misinterpret it though. Quietness presumes control. It presumes careful consideration before speech and action. It presumes poise. Those are simply things I value (possibly from growing up in such environment, where I saw the effects and consequences of not doing so?)

Where I see calm and tact, they see power or a grab at it.


That's the gist. My family dynamics have made me feel ignored/ and have given me this complex where I just don't/won't even talk because I'm so used to being shut down.
Thus I am bitter (subconsciously) and resentful towards people as a whole, and a) hate authority - as many people do.

That's my two cents. No, I didn't pay any two bit shrink to come up with my interpretations; I did them on my own.
; )

I almost have never felt comfortable/good round my family, not for a very long, long time.

 

Now, with that said it is ultimately your responsibility to overcome your problem; no one else will and no one else can. I don't know how old you are, you said you lived with your parents so I am guessing you are young. You learn many things as you age. I am still only 28 yet what I've learned between the time I was 20 was and is tremendous.

These things will ultimately come back to burn you; in a job, with relationships, in your personal life - how you relate to others; is it fair? no... it is not, because you didn't cause it but you are on trajectory to set up for more problems. Most of my life has been a reaction to my circumstances within my family growing up. I was disrespected, controlled, mocked/teased and belittled minimized when I tried to get the autonomy I had for myself to grow.
You have to be alive now, every second. Awareness, you have a new chance now. Grow.

I know I don't like authority. The two jobs I've had where my bosses had been authoritarian worked out awfully. I quit both of them.
I know that about my self, and so I know that those types of jobs I should steer clear of.

You are different from I. We relate but are ultimately different. You can take what I say and apply it to you.
I'm working now on addressing some of these deeper issues; I'm talking openly with my brother about it, both with attempting respect and maturity. I am growing. He is accepting.

My depression I have to work on. It's always been a personal problem I have.
Yes situations when I was younger fostered it, one could argue made it so that it was inevitable. There was little I could do about it, then. I do know I have more maturity now.

Instead of avoiding, address problems, head on.
Don't sulk - assert and get your needs met, as many of them as you can.
Communicate, don't pout.
Take assertive action (not hostile), but assertive. It's not fun it's not easy but ultimately it will harvest good results for you in the long run.
*Above all else - never let anyone ever tell you how you should think or feel. That is the most destructive thing I think retarding or delaying a personal development. It is yours alone and yours to figure out, your feelings/thoughts are signals to the outside world about you.
Don't suppress them, use them.

Don't let anyone do this, many well intentioned will try - accept and thank their efforts but discard them, when they try and assert their will over your sovereignty.

If you want to see how life works - watch as many animal Nature shows you can find. See how nature is. Traverses and transcends words...which are ultimately meaningless. Watch shows about especially the higher mammals, dogs, cats, apes and chimps, etc.
That's life. It's a struggle its a constant fight to survive, thrive.

Apply it.

 

I'm fairly sure I've been depressed most of my life. No one either cared to listen or identify it.

Maybe I'm just melancholic by nature. No, that can't be the case. I've always felt something was wrong with the world, people from a young age. Aloof, distant, detached, all that.

I've been like this since I was 12 at least. Puberty, probably a genetic trigger.

Some people have come to call it "The Black Dog", a useful metaphor. Something that hangs around a lot.

I have been like this for so long I can't remember what it's like not to be like this.

It's gotten worst in the past 5 years as I've gained more insight to apply to myself and the world.

Contemplation of death, which I had not had done before.

I know what I need: extreme cathartic release of repressed emotional tension, but I don't know how best to go about it.

The further you go into the world of Man, the further away from close bonds with others, the harder it becomes to get closer to others again.

Or at least appears so to the misperception of dysfunction.

 

Some people believe that most addicts have naturally low levels of dopamine to begin with and so seek out dopamine rich experiences to boost the feel good drug in their brain. This is why some become addicts and some do not. It ends up depleting you of dopamine in the end but the theory is interesting to begin with,

 

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/11/07/physical-behavior-of-introverts_n_6069438.html

http://www.buzzfeed.com/jessicam203...introvert-k4rj?sub=3127205_2700449#.vhK1rnx7J

http://www.lifehack.org/articles/co...verts-are-incredibly-attractive-people-2.html

We are introverts living in an impersonal world and some people just don't understand why sometimes we just don't have anything to say.

 

Depression is a sign that you suppress something.
Your energy cannot ray out, and it is directed against yourself.

 

Hi Edward Dior ..

I relate so much to that comment!
Anway, I just saw you post, and also saw it is a few days since an entry from you, so not sure if you are still here.
Im replying to your post, because yes, I suffered with depression all my life, even though I didn,t really identify it until I was well away from alcohol, which I used to (ineffectively) fight off "negative" feelings.

Today I live with a much improved relationship with my condition, and still am learning about it. My experience, and the experience of those I have found most helpful, is that there is not a quick-fix, and it is all over, but it IS very possible to move on from having our lives dominated by it.

I personally found little help from Doctors, especially since using drugs for this doesnt feel right for me. I emphasize this is ONLY my feeling, for some this may be what they want to do and that's fine.
I HAVE been greatly helped by articles written by those with frst hand experience, and I felt very re-connected when I read this one:
http://www.thedailymind.com/stress/5-small-but-big-ways-to-beat-depression-every-time/
I found the list of helpful replies and comments made me feel I am not alone, but part of a whole community of people who are learning about this.
I will say outright, that the single most super-effective thing I have ever found for depression is Spring Forest Qigong. A simple to learn practice which has an immense amount of health benefits, including depression. You can easily find info with a search.

A very useful comment I heard from a therapist once, is "when you are depressed, something is not being expressed. This has been very helpful in learning how to move on from being stuck in depression too. In fact, when I actually admitted out loud "I have been suffering with bouts of depression all my life" (which I was ashamed to do for a long time) I felt a shift immediately. I believe that the shift happened because it was always true, but I would not admit it. I was doing myself a dis-service. If we are going to take care of ourselves (essential to recovery) we need to know who we are. Part of me is that I am visited by depression. The fact that I denied that made it much worse. It was like I was saying to myself "this part of me is not ok." That part of me then lives in seclusion, in prison, and that is part of a formula for depression in itself. Overall, I would say gaining a new relationship with ourselves - one where we recognise what we truly need, and do whatever we can to provide that for ourselves, is what unlocks the depression prison. This takes time, and usually involves steady insights which we need to act on. I have a new life now. AM I totally free of depression? No I am not, but when it does come, it doesn't drag me into a black whole any more, provided I give myself what I truly need.

I find it very helpful to connect with others who suffer, to exchange ideas, and because connection is good. My mind is adept at telling me Im different, I won't be accepted, I won't fit in, I won't be liked blah blah blah. I am the person who can learn to deliver myself from the crappy lies that those messages are.
I am happy to stay connected with you and exchange ideas and experiences if you would find that helpful.

That was just a bit of input from one guy - there are many of us. Wishing you joy in your life, one day at a time.

Love and respect

Al

 

Once my whole body is filled with depression. Sometimes I need to get out of the place otherwise my heart will explode or I would faint from anxiety and depression. But after stopping PMO and made some commitment to myself I am really happy now.

Accept that this is a jungle and we are all animals.
I vow to make others happy but I myself is happy all the time
I started to walk away and avoid confrontation ( not a great behaviour)
I followed my duties and responsibilities
Accept other's flaws
Develop apprearence
Help others and don't be a dick to the people under you
Be true to the people around you
Stop doing mistakes and stop your double life
It is working for me