Emptiness and porn

Hi everybody
I'm Sorry in advance for my English.
I'm writing here after 2 years that i have had spied and ready lots of things on this site, and since the first moment I've gained Hope, and for this i want to thanks this wonderful community even if i didn't take parte of It.
I'm 21years old and i was engaged with porn since i was 12-13. I've been always emotionless since that period and Always socially anxious, even if i was already a bit shy, but i've never connected It to porn.
What i want to say it's that since i discovered nofap i tried so hard doing some 20 and 30 days of no PMO but it's like beginning from zero everytime i relapse. I mean during that streaks i really discovered a me that i wasn't aware could be even exist, whit natural want to engage with other human beings, not mentioning l'ora of other benefits. But everytime the feeling of regrets hit and with that It comes back the feeling as if i was yet the anxious and apatic guy. Lastly i've noticed that of i engage regularly in healthy activies troughout the day it's like my brain fog vanishes after some weeks of constant work on my self, and as well the Hannover from the relapse with porn. However I've noticed that porn Is the cause that makes me feel bad in terms of depression and Joy, cause i can't enjoy even a talk with Friends and It seems like every Person in my Life, that i know from my childood it's like no importante, as of i don't Need them. But this Is not true I've discovered that it's porn himself that makes this feelings of disconnection from the world and your close friend/family.
I Just write to you seeking help, because I'm tired of all of this and i want it to stop, cause it's like that now i can't find enough motivation to quit, cause i don't have that force inside me that burns and hate Porn (this due also ti the face that porn makes me numb). And for this i Always finish relapsing and getting myself again in the same cycle of fighting against my fears.
I'm Sorry if this Is long but i have even lots of thing to say and i wanted to speak it all out.
Thank you for listening to me. I write here cause i am very shamefull to talk with friend and relativa. Do you have any suggest? I have tried anything to quit porn and tried to pursue my passions. Than You much i appreciate this very much.

 

I'm Sorry some sorda are bad written like Hannover should be Hangover and lots of others i Hope you could anyway understand

 

Thanks Mark,
I've noticed that in the last months it always begins from a trigger in the internet or YouTube if i see a girl that turno me on the relapse happens of i continue searching other images of her, cause It begins the autopilota if I'm not aware or motivated enough to not relapse. Fortunately i deleted all social media and this helps a lot. I know that this Is the only way i Will relapse so I've to tackle It in Advance and Just lately i've been aware of this even if I've never fine nothing about It.

 

Thank you very much,
You don't how much i needed words like theese.
I'll think about this in this new streak

 

Thank you too Mark
I will do what You suggest me even because i usually journaling and this would be very effective for sure. The problem Is that in my streaks, they were Kong because i was somehow emotionally aware of my hate for porn, the damage that cause to you and the shit they do to you and the acctress involved. It's really a shit if i think about It. And it's not even less dangerous than other addictions, it's a real drug if not worst maybe than the commons