Glad to be here!

Hi everyone. My name is Parker and I`m a 17 year old kid. I`ve tried to quit PMO more times than I can count. I actually was successful for around 75 days but ended up being dumped by my girlfriend. Long story short, I missed her (and still do) and that lead to a relapse that I have been battling with. I`m hoping I can get back on the right track again and NoFap can help me .


I am going to commit to no PMO over the summer and then go from there. To do this I am going to need help and support like never before.

Its about DAYM time I started living. And I`m starting with my summer

 

I plan on doing a post a day and doing some research. There is lots of good anti PMO information out there. Thanks for your reply, its nice to just know someone read it and is rooting for me. Best of luck to you as well!

 

Alrighty i guess posting your journals in the reply of your original seems like the way to go. So on to todays journal:
Today was a great day. I had a lacrosse game that went to the final. It had triple overtime and was great competition. It made me feel more alive than i have felt in the past 2 years. It game me the motivation to want to keep off porn and get over this breakup because i know that enjoying lacrosse fully and porn cant coexist. I know that i cant feel alive from lacrosse while killing myself from porn.
Porn is the thing that killed my lacrosse motivation. Its only fitting that lacrosse kills my porn motivation.
keep in mind guys; porn doesnt allow you to feel good about yourself or anything really. For me its"the little thing that shuts all the doors of goodness in my life". Remember that what you get enjoyment from (sports, family time, hobbies etc) are killed by porn and thats never worth it

 

Today was another success . Got to get to bed. Hopefully i can do a better journal tomorrow though

 

Well another good day. The fact that 4 days came surprisingly easy is a really good thing. Sometimes in the past I would be dyeing at 4 days. I guess the distractions of school finals and lacrosse championships help so that's a good thing. Since I started I haven't looked at my phone until today. I've found that every time I go on it I'm vulnerable. There's no way that I can waste time looking at pretty girls on instagram on a device that I can access porn and have the self control not to PMO eventually. So I just needed to check some stuff on it today but I'm planning on getting rid of the thing for a while again tomorrow.

I also have come up with a plan every time I'm really tempted about to panic. I'm going to go to McDonalds to satisfy myself in another way. This helps because it changes the setting to reset things and also gives me something I hope that will be a compromise for my cravings

Just because I made it to 4 days doesn't mean shit. I can feel the tension slowly starting to rise. It really pisses me off that I couldn't do work in trying to get over this break up which I have identified as the source of this whole thing. I literally studied for 6 hours today and was pretty much at school for the rest. So I NEED to work on that tomorrow. Have me in your thoughts and prayers so that I can find time tomorrow to do that do that. (And if your not Christian just thoughts and no prayers work too )

hasta la vista for today baby

 

Today was a success I guess... I say I guess because although I didn't relapse I also didn't do any work to prevent it. I was at the rink all day. Which isn't a bad thing but I can feel the tension building. And "even if your on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there." DO work tomorrow? I hope so but I literally have to study for finals all day . Hopefully I can finish studying fast. I am just looking forward to getting over the hump. Getting past the point where you kinda just settle in and don't feel so much temptation. And if it does come you just ignore it.
I just can't go back. I know I can't but need the solid evidence. Right now the evidence is kinda blurry so tomorrow I want to clear that up

 

Well things are getting harder and harder. This sucks and I need a break through. I'm sick of complaining how I have no time. Instead I want to make time to do work to stop this. If I get past these next couple days I can get over the hump. You never know how close to you are to success when you give up. (But this time I know I'm close). Tomorrow I want to work on my summer plans, areas porn affects in my life, the source, and basically the reasons why I don't watch. I also want to go on yourbrainonporn.com

 

Well today was hard. I actually got to the point that I was searching for triggers. SO close to giving in. But I didn't. I couldn't. I cant go back to that. It could be the biggest mistake I've every made in my life. I'm actually glad that I watched an anit- PMO video which was very insightful. Talks about acquiring super powers from abstaining and just anti PMO in general. I actually related to the video because I while ago I came to the conclusion that I am tired of sucking at life. I suck at school. Im a dick to my family. I have no friends. Im lonely. Eat shitty. Cant drive. I'm not really funny anymore. I don't really care about anything. I don't really do anything. I cant sleep but take sleeping/depression pills that don't really work. I cant even work hard at the sport I love. Have no motivation. And don't even know where to begin to change or even want to. The list goes on. I'm sick of sucking at life and I want to NoFap to stop that. I'm sure it will have more positive affects than I can even think of.

The end of the video was really good. It talked about starting with quitting and moving to the next step. Sitting back waiting for the benefits or "super powers" of anti- PMO is not a happening thing. Recovery is an active process. So I want to put myself out in the world, expand my comfort zone, meet new people, approaching new challenges. I want to build a better life from that. And building a better life from that takes away the need to want to go back to the artificial stimulation. Its so weird lately that I go out to an event or go outside and it doesn't feel like real life. I've been cooped up so long I don't even know what real living is. I want real living back

 

Well today is all good but some struggle and some searching for triggers. Today wasnt as hard as yesterday so thats good. I guess you could say im getting a little of my mojo back. Im slowly starting to dive into lacrosse again. Loving that. I also am getting my socialness back. Today i went to my first party and it was sick. People were all exitied to see me and conversations were flowing (i was sober but the alcohol in them might have helped a bit). But regarless im actually starting to build relationships and start a friend group. And it feels great. Finally in highschool a possible friend group. So thats sick. And im actually starting to live. Like chilling on a beah partying with people that mutally appreciate eachother is living to me. Listening to rap and stuffing my face with mcdonalds after finals is living to me. I dont think i could of done this with porn and i know i cant live an alive life on porn. Im exited to live in the summer which starts tomorrow

 

So true. Maybe ill look for the reward in another way. Like im going to ______ if i _________. (I have no idea yet. Got any sugesstions?)

Thanks for everything man. I also find that praying for someone is one of the best gifts to give so thanks for that as well

 

Man i dont want this to come off wrong but it feels like i just cant stop winning recently after my so far streak. And thats a great thing because i havent felt like that in soooo long. Today i won first of all because i didnt relapse. But second of all because my cousin dropped some knowledge on me. Long story short hes an entrepreneur but knowone knows about it. I just found out today. Before i thought he was kinda just trying to cruize and figure stuff out. Like i just thought he was a super cool guy that is working and trying to figure stuff out after dropping university and drugs. But turns out he dropped that stuff to pursue his buissness. And i realize hes out there doing it. Hes living. And for me its where i want to be at. I want to drop my bad habits and be out doing it chasing my dreams and living the life. And i got to quit PMO first. So thats the plan. So that was winning because i got a mentor/resource to help me and becuause i gained some knowledge and motivation today.

On another note i am still fighting hard. Like sheit. And im making it hard for myself. Im not making anti-PMO a priority and am still searching for triggers of this daym phone. I GOT to deal with that tomorrow. I want to set up a system of being able to use my phone to contact people and use for reminders and notes but not as a gateway of distractions/trigger searchers/porn assessor . So somehow i want to get rid of the wifi.

I know i couldnt have had such a sick day with my lacrosse windup and my cousin if i relapsed today

Advice: make this battle as easy as possible for you. Do what you need to do. Take away temptations, get anti-PMO knowledge etc. Dont be a dumb ass like me here searching for triggers today and posting this on my phone at 3am

Quote: you can tell where someone will be in five years by the books they read and the people they associate with (not the most related to this but a cool quote. Dont know the author but my cousin just quoted it.)

Bedtime yo

 

Well survived another day. It was pretty sick because i went to my brothers grade and i got some old friends texting me

Im kinda sick of just getting by though with this. I want to get a handel on it. Theres no going back. Tomorrows a big day. Hopefully a day without my phone. One of the things that helped me was a tip i heard. "whatever you do DONT TOUCH IT." And ive been following that.. Even though ive been seraching for triggers (which i really got to stop) i cant touch it because i know if i do, im fucked. That tip has actually had help have quite a bit of sucuss

Im pretty much alone in the house withought the mom of porn patrol so i could relapse so easy. Im not going to though. Yay me i guess

 

Another sucess. Im getting rid of my phones wifi tomorrow. Im actually starting to sense some of these so called "super powers" in me. I actually do notice girls noticing me now. (For some reason lots of older women....) but im also more comfortable talking to girls and im better at it. I talked to a really good looking receptist for quite a while today so thats pretty sick. Im not as socially anxious and my genal anxiety is going down. Im happier and kinda just loving to cruize life. Im more happy to be me. I also feel closer to God.
daym

I want to actually start doing stuff for my summer though. So i want to get that going

 

Well shit boys, today sucked. All the tension just kept working its way up until this. I didnt relapse but it felt like it. I ended up watching some P subs and I M'ed withought O. To my understanding some people veiw this as failiure and I think the term is "edging". I guess if I really wanted to I could veiw today as a failiure but I dont think beating myself up over it while I'm still fighting will do much good. Instead I want to put it behind me to not discourage my spirit, move on, and use it as a wake up call . I guess that happens in two parts. 1 realizing what went wrong. 2 making the necessary changes that accompany that

1. Well I guess its no doubt I got to this point. Tension was building and I was not doing any work at all. I started checking out women again. I had my phone and had been looking for triggers for a while. I wasn't distracting myself with anything or by being productive. I was stopping the decline but not doing any progression in anti- PMO and in life. The anti- PMO kinda settled in and I pushed it off to the side

2. I guess the steps that need to be taken are the exact opposite in #1. I gotta do work and find value in that work. Find that motivation. I got rid of my phones wifi by forgetting the password on it. That way I dont have to totally get rid of my phone but I eliminate the bad stuff. This is a temporary fix because I can still access it if I really want to by finding the password. I have to get my mom to call the internet provider to fix this in two days (shes busy tomorrow). So for now, it will do. AND GOOD RIDDANCE. I'm done with that phone man. Its about time I started taking this seriously again. This should be my priority so I should include stuff like no checking out women and watching the music that I listen to. Also, a problem is that I need internet to explore anti- PMO but also can access P with that. Im sure that I can work that out by having my mom log me on to the computer and using the internet when people are around. The other thing that isn't going idea is the opposite of PMO. The benifits, payoffs and rewards. After quitting for a bit I expected things to change and for me to start living. Then I thought with those rewards would really take things off. But the rewards I saw were kinda like "eh". The weren't life changing or in this case fap changing. And I didnt start noticing me to start living. But I think I made a realization. That I have to meet it half way. Sure I've stopped the thing that was killing me but I cant just expect to start living because of that. I've got to learn how to live because I've been dead for so long. So learning how to live will be added to the list. So yeah. It would also be nice to receive more support but no one really reads my daym journals! Thanks to who did but Im going to start posting one in the under 20's and hopefully it will get more attention.


I guess this is kinda like a new chapter. And its nothing to be bummed about. Instead I should be exited