To my spouse. A story.

A story of survival.

Please take my hand.
You are the love of my life. I would die for you that’s how much I care.

Today I walked out onto the frozen lake that is our marriage. Once it was a beautiful lake full of color and life. It’s water was crystal clear and fresh. Warm beneath our toes as we Laughed and walked hand in hand together as one. But today, I stand all alone on its frozen surface trembling as I feel the ice creak and groan. I wondered if today was the day I’d take one step too many, make one discovery too many causing me to plunge into the icy water. As I stumble (D Day) my body plunges into those icy depths as the cold water (pornography) tries to Take me away from you. The water, the porn Longs to take send me away. Luckily you brave the ice with me (You want to fight for our marriage too) and get there just as I’m going under. You fight the water (the porn) and pull me close to you. My eyes fill with love and Tears roll down my face as you hold me close. Even though we’re both cold, I can feel love between us still. We walk away together and the ice crumbles away. You are porn free.

Unfortunately, the lake freezes over again and I’m walking all alone across the ice. Will it crack? Will it break? I’m drowning again in the icy water, my despair at your relapse threatening to consume me. My tears freeze upon my face. You don’t see me crying And alone. You don’t come as quickly this time to pull me out and I know that you’re So busy with other things, I’m not on your radar any longer. Our marriage is not a top priority any longer. Maybe if you looked beyond what is consuming you, if you looked out the window of your soul, you’d see that the lake is frozen again. Did it ever thaw at all this last time? Oh no, you realize you don’t know the answer. Don’t you see that The icy water will claim me as it’s victim? The ice will win if you don’t fight it.
Finally, you come and pull me out, I’m so angry that you left me there so long alone but then I remember how beautiful this lake once was, how crystal clear and clean. I take your hand Once more as we walk away from the cold and the ice. I look back and the water hadn’t thawed so quickly this time. Is it even going to thaw? The addiction is gaining momentum now. I wonder what this means? Will it one day remain frozen? Will the ice take me away, hide me from you forever? Will it win?

Fast forward. I’m back on the frozen lake again, why am I here? I don’t want to be here again. I can’t find you and I’m calling for you. I’m not sure you can hear me any more? I’m not even sure if even I care anymore. Suddenly, you wake Up and hear me calling you. Begging you to find me. You walk slowly wondering if it’s too late to save me, save our marriage, our love. You only meant to stay in that place so far from me a minute no more than 5. Suddenly you had lost hours No days, oh no how long have I been gone? Has she been ok all alone? Was that her crying and calling my name? Is she safe, does she even want me to find her? Oh no she’s out on the ice alone. Oh no I took her there and I left her. No she’s fallen, she needed me. You run to me and hold out your hand, but I’m angry, I’m sad And I’m tired of being here all alone. I waited for you there cold and alone for so long and now I’m done. I want your hand but I don’t need it this time. Ive had to learn to survive Out here in this cold icy water alone. I’ve actually pulled myself from this icy water all by myself so many times as I waited for you to come. Ive had to stand here alone for days, weeks and years. Sadly, You didn’t even notice I was gone or that the lake was frozen solid again. Was it warm where you were? It was cold where I was. I’m so cold now that if I stand here much longer that I might die. I’m so tired so defeated that I can’t remember how beautiful this lake once was and I can only remember the cold, the ice, the sadness of being alone there. Although, I am broken, I have just enough strength to walk out onto dry land as I walk past you. I have to save myself. I can’t save you. I can’t look into your eyes. I can’t see the truth there, the lies, the deception. The pain is So unbearable as I leave you there. I can’t hold your hand any longer. I’m heading Far away as far from this frozen lake as I can travel. I’m sorry I have to go. You have to save yourself now. You can’t hold my hand now. See it wasn’t really you saving me, I was saving you. That never works died it? I see you in my dreams now and the icy water seeks to pull you below the ice And consume you. I pray you don’t drown in it’s icy grip. I pray you get out alive. I pray that even though I can’t be with you, you know I still love you and I want you to win your battle. I pray for YOU. Please win.

I’m still with my husband but I’ve felt like I was drowning before and I’ve almost given up on life and almost given up on our marriage, on him. If you’re a Married PA, I hope you win your battle over Porn for your Sake and your wife’s. Please don’t leave her alone on the ice. She may fall in and never get out or she may get out and leave even though she doesn’t want to go. Please choose her over Porn. Porn can never love you, porn has no heart. She does.

I hope and pray we all win our battles.

 

Thank you. It’s definitely heartbreaking. I never knew this existed until June if this year. Since D Day it’s been a rollercoaster ride. I pray it gets better