Doing good so far, but hotwifing still an issue

superstorm250 · Oct 12, 2020

I’m almost at 2 weeks clean from PMO, and I’m surprised I’ve made it this far because usually just making it a week without PMO is a struggle for me. But unfortunately, my interest in hotwifing has not subsided at all yet. I’ve made other threads on this before because I know that my interest in this is directly linked to PMO and other guys on here have also struggled with this and have come to the same conclusion. I believe that over time, P gets you accustomed to becoming aroused by being in 3rd person and watching other people have sex. It re-wires your brain’s arousal mechanism from its natural setting where you’re able to get aroused and achieve O in first person like how sex actually is, to one where you can only get aroused and achieve O by being in 3rd person and watching people have sex since that’s the method you’re now used to.

I know that this is still an issue for me because any imaginary scenario I came up with was less arousing to me when I imagined me and a girl having regular sex, just the two of us. But I became more aroused when I adjusted that same scenario to where I watch her have sex with another guy first before me and her have sex. I don’t want a relationship like this, P has made me this way and I’m getting afraid that the damage is done and that a hotwife relationship will be the only kind I’ll be capable of having. I would rather have a traditional monogamous relationship, not one where I’m always getting another guy’s sloppy seconds. Do you guys think the damage is done and that I’m stuck this way permanently, or will this eventually go away as time passes?

Schnabel · Oct 12, 2020

I agree with your first impression, that this - in general - is just another side effect of your porn addiction and there's hope, that your howifing fixation fades away over time as you stay PMO free. However, I doubt, that this is the best you can do.
See: you seem to do good on the physical PMO front. Excellent! At the same time you still entertain those thoughts and therefor reinforce your addiction in that regard. The problem is, that those strategies, that work for physical abstinence, not necessarily do the job on the mental level as well - you might need to develop another skill set here to tackle that aspect.

But how do you control thoughts? Well, truth is; it's actually pretty easy once you've got it down, but learning can be difficult. Especially, if all you get is vocal/written instruction but no guided first hand experience. It's like learning how to swim just by watching people - well, it's possible, maybe, but having proper aid would do a much better job. So, if you're having trouble with controlling/directing thoughts, maybe you should take a look into the whole meditation and mindfulness-world, ideally with the help by someone, who's got it down. Surprisingly, this shit works. There's a reason religious people (monk types) do this stuff for since thousands of years in every single culture.
One other route - and this is, what I do - is using tools from behavioral therapy. And this one is super easy indeed: You get a rubber band, put it around your wrist and as soon as a hotwifing related thoughts come up, you give yourself a little snap to feel some pain. And just like magic, those thoughts will become less and less because they get associated with pain. Yeah, your brain is actually that simple: what fires together, wires together. Also, that tiny concentration, that is required to move your other hand to snap the rubber band as soon as the thought appears, will distract you enough to break the otherwise conditioned thought-cycle, that is about to unfold. It's almost half the job already, but adding the pain is good anyway because it adds some emotion to it: "oh, fuck, here comes that shit again ... fuck that and fuck that rubber band *ouch*... goddammit'.

Have fun!

superstorm250 · Oct 13, 2020

Schnabel said: ↑

I agree with your first impression, that this - in general - is just another side effect of your porn addiction and there's hope, that your howifing fixation fades away over time as you stay PMO free. However, I doubt, that this is the best you can do.
See: you seem to do good on the physical PMO front. Excellent! At the same time you still entertain those thoughts and therefor reinforce your addiction in that regard. The problem is, that those strategies, that work for physical abstinence, not necessarily do the job on the mental level as well - you might need to develop another skill set here to tackle that aspect.

But how do you control thoughts? Well, truth is; it's actually pretty easy once you've got it down, but learning can be difficult. Especially, if all you get is vocal/written instruction but no guided first hand experience. It's like learning how to swim just by watching people - well, it's possible, maybe, but having proper aid would do a much better job. So, if you're having trouble with controlling/directing thoughts, maybe you should take a look into the whole meditation and mindfulness-world, ideally with the help by someone, who's got it down. Surprisingly, this shit works. There's a reason religious people (monk types) do this stuff for since thousands of years in every single culture.
One other route - and this is, what I do - is using tools from behavioral therapy. And this one is super easy indeed: You get a rubber band, put it around your wrist and as soon as a hotwifing related thoughts come up, you give yourself a little snap to feel some pain. And just like magic, those thoughts will become less and less because they get associated with pain. Yeah, your brain is actually that simple: what fires together, wires together. Also, that tiny concentration, that is required to move your other hand to snap the rubber band as soon as the thought appears, will distract you enough to break the otherwise conditioned thought-cycle, that is about to unfold. It's almost half the job already, but adding the pain is good anyway because it adds some emotion to it: "oh, fuck, here comes that shit again ... fuck that and fuck that rubber band *ouch*... goddammit'.

Have fun!
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Thanks for the tips! I’ve been trying the rubber band thing and its been working. What you said makes a lot of sense because I’ve associated hotwifing with feelings of pleasure, stronger feelings of pleasure than I’ve associated regular sex with. Hopefully associating it with pain instead causes it to go away, I’m also encouraged by reading opinions of hotwifing from girls on other sites and there’s a lot of girls who said they wouldn’t be into doing this, I think the majority of girls out there probably wouldn’t even entertain the idea of doing it.

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Doing good so far, but hotwifing still an issue

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