Your "A-Ha!" Moment

Exact same story for me. My gorgeous wife was willing and ready I had wasted myself to my hand earlier in the day and I said, “this is ridiculous.”.

 

Binging on porn shrank your dick? How is that possible?

 

How'd it shrivel up? I'm confused by this science. Is it dopamine desensitization?

 

She did not ask as I didn’t give her the opportunity. I simply told her that I was sorry and that it was not her fault what so ever and that stress might have been a factor. But yes, I knew the truth.

 

It was when I realised that whenever I used porn I momentarily regressed into that sad, scared, helpless 14 year old lad I was when I first encountered pornography.

I realised that I had used porn since that time to regulate my emotional life through its dissociative effects. This had lead me to develop a kind of autonomous second life, a hypersexualised schizoid consciousness.

I realised that I was terrified of intimacy and that I had developed a virtual sexuality to neutralise these feelings.

I realised that if the Nofap community knew about the neurological mechanisms of porn addiction, if Gary Wilson could literally have a website called "Your Brain on Porn," then the porn industry also possessed the same knowledge, and these cunts were cynically using this against me.

 

Mine wasn that drammatic , i went on a vaction with my parents and didnt had time to fap in 6 days , i felt more energy and mood so i tought hummmm maybe this is because of not fapping and yeah here i am

 

One "college party" video on an XXX website; one girl with a face expression from which you could tell she was faking the enjoyment and was actually rather shattered inside of her soul, as if she just realised what the hell she was doing in front of that camera and that this will be uploaded to the web for all eternity.

After that I googled "I hate porn" - and landed here.

 

It started for me when I started having anxieties. I had a difficult day and in the evening my SO started initiating some action. First everything went fine but then a thought came into my mind: “Oh shit, what happens if this anxiety will impact my performance?” And in literally the same moment my erection made the turtle (For those who didn’t catch the image: I lost the erection). The thought about the thing which I feared most at that moment brought me exactly what I feared. My SO was kind of disappointed and I had a night full of negative thoughts. And that’s how I met my performance Anxiety.

However, the funny thing is that without running into that performance Anxiety, I probably would never have become aware of the dirty lie I used to live. I was (and probably still am) addicted to P in a way that I only had sex with my SO to have her satisfied so that I can finally get my satisfaction with P. I don’t remember enjoying the sex with my current SO before that all happened. The only reason for me was to make her satisfied and then I watched some disgusting things in the internet until I climaxed.

When the anxieties started I was not able anymore to live that lie because I couldn’t perform. That made me conscious about all the situation and I wondered why I was so less attracted to have real sex with my SO. She is so hot. And in my early 20s I was like a rabbit using any opportunity having sex with my then girlfriend.

So long story short... after check up with doctor and psychologist I was more and more convinced that the root of all my problems is my misusage of P.