23 years old virgin gay guy from France, 2 months "orgasm-free", but not porn-free...

Hi everyone !

First of all I appologize if I make grammatical mystakes but I'm french so my english isn't perfect yet :/

So it's been a a few month since I first heard of nofap, through the videos of Marc (sacred sexuality project). His videos really helped me "quitting" masturbation but I still have a lot of problems. But first I'm gonna try to sum up my life so far and tell you where I am now.

So I know I'm gay since middle school, but at that that time I hated that and I hated myself for being gay so I refused to accept being gay and tried to force myself to enjoy women. So for exemple at that time I was trying to picture avec sex with a woman when I masturbated and I watched straight porn.
Refusing to be gay, I also refused to try to date guys so the only expression I had left for my sexuality was through porn.
But my attraction to guys only grew stronger with time. So I decided to start watching gay porn and picturing gay sex while masturbating, hoping I would eventually grow tired of that and "return to the normality" of being straight (it never happenened).

So I accepted the fact that I was gay but didn't accept to let anyone know. So I just began a life of lie and secret, fantasysing about guys and watching gay porn but never trying to really express my sexuality in a healthy way by seeking a boyfriend. So I guess that's when my addiction to porn started. Every alone time has been an excuse for me for watching porn and masturbate, to feel good and forget my problems.
The more I watched porn, the more I grew attracted to kinky stuff, like submission. So now what turns me on the most is picturing me getting abused by strong, brutal, dominant guys, f****** me, insulting me, slapping me, that kind of crap... And watching that kind of porn (even straight porn, as long as the guys are macho and dominant...)

But it's only since last year that I realised I had a problem. I have been ALWAYS tired in my life, but I couldn't figure out why. But now that I had started an important part of my life and my studies, my passion, I couldn't accept to be tired and demotivated all the time. So I thought about it and tried quitting masturbation for a week. And It was a revelation. I suddenly didn't feel that tiredness that had been a part of my everyday life for so long. That's also when I understood I had a huge addiction : addiction to masturbation, to porn, to thinking about rough sex...

So for a year I have tried to quit, never really succeeding more than a week or two.
2 months ago I found the youtube "sacred sexuality channel" and it really helped me quitting masturbation. I haven't had an orgasm since two months exactly today. Sa at least I am not constantly super tired and demotivated all the time anymore... But I don't really feel that I am really making progress either. I have just "cut" one of the immediat drawbacks of masturbation, but I still have a ton of problems.

For exemple : I only had one "boyfriend" in my life, 3 years ago. And when we tried to touch each other, starting to have sex, I was unable to get hard. And I know that comes from my porn addiction (and I know it is still there).

I really want to find love and have a beautiful relationship, but I know that if I found someone know, I wouldn't be able to have a healthy sexuality with him. So I would like to deal with my issues first (even though I am horny like a crazy dog and I fantasyse on any attractive guy I see...) I don't want hook ups, I want my first time to be beautiful, with someone I deeply care about, and free from my addictions....

So that's it, I'm so sorry for the huge text (I really tried to sum up), but I had to put a little backstory to all that :/

So now my problem is that I still can,t stop thinking about sex, I am obsessed about it, I don't really masturbate (no orgasm), but I guess I do what you guys call "edging", so that keeps me from being tired but that does nothing for my addiction... But I just don't find the strength so stop all that... All my naughty thoughts... Every morning when I wake up, I am horny as hell and I picture all these scenarios in my head, touching myself as I do so. I try not to watch porn. I have blocked everything that is blockable but I still can read dirty stories online, talk dirty on chats or date apps... But my biggest problem is Tumblr.com, You have so much porn on this, and it is so easily accessable... And I'm always using it for school and work so I can't just block the entire website...

So I decided to talk about it here, I'm thinking maybe If I keep track everyday of my attemps, getting feedbacks, that should motivate to really try and change.

So thank you guys for having read all that if you have ! That's amazing ! I hope I can hear your thoughts about all that and I wish you a good day/night (depending on where you are in the world right now).

 

Thanks a lot ! But I'm kindda lost right now... I don't really know how to go further...

 

No :/ I guess that could be useful but I dont really have the money for that

 

First : thank you for taking the time to answer, that's very very nice of you, I appreciate it

I don't know... I looked for that type of groups in France but they are basing everything on religion and spirituality... And I'm completely atheist so I don't want someone to tell me " the ONLY way to truly change is through faith in God" :/
No I don't do meditation, I tried a little bit though. How do you use it exactly against urges and porn addiction ? I'm very very busy with my studies and it seems very time-consuming so I don't know if I can afford to do that...

Well, about France, I guess peolple are fantasising a lot about it but It's just a regular country I guess ^^' With a lot of problems too
I actually would like to work in the U.S. in the future

 

Hi ! Thank You for the advice
Actually I'm studying animation, so ai draw all the time, so my artistic hobby is also my work, so when I have free time well... I try to draw more. So I don't have much time for a sport or music :/ but I guess I should try and make time to do something else than drawing maybe..
And what do you mean by accountability partner ? How does it work ? Do you have one ?
Thank you again so much for taking the time to answer
The fact that people are just paying attention to what I wrote is really helping me getting motivated (today I was able to let go of my urges when they came thanks to that motivation)

 

Oh ok I see, well that's kinda what a friend of mine does for me, he has stopped masturbating since 8 years and when I'm about to relapse I text him or talk to him on facebook and he tries to motivate me again and make me remember why I do that.

Ok, I should try meditation more seriously, do you have to have been doing it for a while before it "starts" working ?

Thank you so much for your answers guys !

 

Thank You for your answer ! Sorry I didn't respond sooner, I thought I did but it must have not save my answer
Anyway, I'm definitely gonna try meditation more seriously
Since I've creating my profile here (and begs keeping a diary for myself about my addictions) I've been able to get much more motivated and strong, so I'm gonna try to surf on that rush of motivation and not let it fade