How I got here & my struggle at day 15

Hi. This is my third or fourth attempt at rebooting. I have previously managed 45 days (relapsed after moving in to a new house and finding lots of erotic fiction books the previous owner had left behind) and 31 days (relapsed after a wet dream where I dreamt I was looking at internet porn).

This time I'm determined to go longer and make sure I never go back. I am 31 and a couple of months ago my girlfriend of 2 years left me (she was only my second girlfriend). We had ok sex but I often struggled either to get and maintain an erection or if I could, I'd quite often not be able to reach orgasm as I had become so used to using my hand which was frustrating for me and her. I attribute a lot of this down to using porn since I was 15.

My family were one of the first to get the internet where I lived back in the 90s. Everyone knew what was on there but I wasn't really interested at the time. At 14 or 15 I just wanted to play games. Then I remember seeing some pictures of women tennis players and pop stars and I started seeking out more, especially as school friends were telling me to make the most of this new tool. If my parents went out and I was home alone I'd seek out more risky pictures and eventually this led to me finding porn. I wasn't addicted at this age, just curious and it wasn't more than once or twice a month that I'd look stuff up.

When I moved out to go to University though this changed. I had my own laptop in my own room with my own internet connection. I was homesick, didn't have many friends and wasn't very good at meeting women so I was still a virgin (and remained so until I was 24). I'd spend hours on porn, initially just softcore but this obviously escalated. I paid to join a couple of members sites and as I'd paid I wanted my money's worth. My first sexual experiences were all with women from the internet. I'd kissed girls but never had sex with any so for several years almost every orgasm I had was as a result of images or videos from the internet.

Eventually I met somebody (ironically she was a friend of a friend and I discovered here through Facebook after seeing some pretty sexy pictures she'd uploaded!). We got on great and eventually it came to having sex, she was gorgeous and I couldn't believe my luck and naturally I couldn't wait to have sex with her. When the big moment came, I couldn't get an erection. I blamed it on nerves and alcohol. The next day I was frustrated and wanted to cum so I logged on to the internet and watched some porn. I felt so horrible about it. We had sex a few more times where I was able to finish but the relationship never amounted to anything.

It dented my confidence but I wasn't that bothered about meeting someone else. I carried on looking at porn online a couple of times a week and that was enough for me. I figured most women in real life weren't as hot as the women online anyway.

I would later meet some other women and each time I struggled to get hard. It was horrible and I couldn't understand why. It happened with my last girlfriend a few times but I was trying not to spend time online anymore and I think it definitely helped but I'd always relapse.

Now I'm trying to stop it for good. But it's so hard. When you're trying to avoid sexual imagery you realise it's everywhere. Online, the TV, magazines, advertising, films, even in song lyrics. I'm not seeking it out but if you read a newspaper and there's a travel feature on the best beaches you can almost guarantee there will be a picture of a hot woman wearing a bikini! And now that summer is here I'm finding it hard. There's women out there wearing short skirts and low cut tops and it makes me want to go home and fap. Just last week a woman was walking in front of me and it was quite windy, her skirt blew up right in front of me and it gave me such a rush.

I don't mind feeling horny, it's good. But I don't like that it makes me associate the feeling with porn. I don't like that I can feel bored and think I should pass the time by looking at images online (even when I don't even feel horny).

I'm on day 15 and I'm really determined to keep going but I'm so tempted to relapse as I don't feel any different right now and I'm impatient to wait a month or two before really feeling the benefits. I know though that I'd feel a load worse after the event and it'd be even harder to start again. I've tried so many times to get past this but I'm so used to just opening another tab and loading up anything I want.

My next step is to limit my internet time as it's too easy to stumble across images that set off the triggers in my brain. Even on sports sites or something totally removed from the world of porn, you end up seeing something someone has posted or an avatar, or an advert and BAM - it's set something off in your mind.

Anyway, thanks for reading. It's helped getting this written down and has actually made me realise the effect it's had on me. Looking at other people's stories I think I've spent relatively little time online doing this but the effect is the same. It doesn't matter if you view porn once a day/week/month, it can still have the same negative impact.

 

So another week has gone by and I'm feeling pretty good. Day 21 today and the longer I go the easier it feels - if I can do 3 weeks then I can do 6, and then 12.

I do occasionally think about porn and images of certain sites do pop into my head every now and then and I'm finding there's more and more sex around me when I don't want it but it's becoming easier to avoid. I'm spending less time online and deliberately avoiding watching certain tv programmes and film that I know will contain scenes that will make me think of my old ways.

I think physically I may be flatlining but I expected this. Mentally I'm still having sexual thoughts but I'm sure these will reduce in time.

 

Just an update, I got to day 41 and then relapsed with MO. This led to PMO and then I felt rubbish, it really wasn't worth it. Now I'm starting again and I'm on day 7.

I'd been doing so well and was feeling pretty good, then I had a bad day and thought "what's the point?" and I caved in and while I enjoyed it briefly and got a momentary buzz from it straight after I felt rubbish and really regretted it.

To anyone thinking of relapsing, just don't.