40 years of self destruction

I am not exactly sure when my sexualization of women began. But at 48 years old, I can tell you it is at least 40 years.

I remember watching Benny Hill, Monty Python and other British comedies with my parents. I remember watching The Love Boat and other American TV shows in the 1970's and 1980's that definitely sexualized women.

I know I was never abused, but do remember being kissed by an someone who shouldn't have kissed me that way. I knew it was going to happen, I remember that night vividly.

I don't know if that was where it started.

I started with the kissing game at a very young age. When my female friends came over it always came to that. That came to an abrupt stop, which saved some good friendship.

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I then got kicked out of a bookstore for looking at a magazine.

In my teen years I didn't fap, until I was accused of doing so. I got hooked! Well it hasn't stopped since.

Throughout grade and high school, I was greatly bullied. No girlfriends, little friends, kept to myself. I was able to buy magazines at a young age, I bought every issue, even categorized them due to my OCD.

Had a relationship that lasted 3 years, I never thought to cheat, but there was a time I did start looking at other women. She cheated on me several times.

I became single, and in one year I met 50+ women. Wow! that a boost of confidence. It resulted in a few one-night stands. A few women kept calling me. A few friends came out of it. None of them are in my life anymore.

I was reintroduced to the internet, the internet that designers and developers know. That led to PPC and affiliates, which led to why I am here.

I even convinced a friend to become a camgirl just so I could see her naked.

It worked, it was too easy.

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I am married, to a very attractive woman. I have zero complaints about her. She is my dream girl. We have a very healthy and satisfying relationship.

I still turn to the internet.

Never cheated, but I do still sexualize women, including those close to me.

I deleted my Facebook, unfollowed everybody on Twitter, unfavourited all my camgirls that I turned too, except one, I had 120+.

I know that's not getting off, no pun intended.

I definitely suffer from the Coolidge Effect, I keep looking for that higher high.

Added another 10 tonight, brought back a fetish I have.

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I actually thought I was finally going to quit Christmas 2020, for a few days straight I didn't visit an adult site. I have relapsed, not much but it's 2:30am, my wife is sleeping, and here I am.

She knows, she told me she knows. I told her I have tried to quit. She didn't know I was still watching it. I told her about that kiss I shouldn't have received. She knows about the games, and how I look and flirt. I am sure she knows my sexualization issues.

She seemed quite interested, kept asking me questions and asking me to tell my story.

I'm so grateful to have her.

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I know I need to rewire and reboot, I am losing my energy. I am becoming depressed from my sexualization of every woman I meet.

I Google every attractive woman I see on TV, just to see if there are sexy pics of her. I think of past friends, lovers and other people I knew just to see what they look like today.

My creativity is almost none existent.

My problem, I get distracted. Once I open that new window I lose complete interest in what I was originally doing.

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I really don't know where to start ... I want to quit, but I don't want to lose the high of the dopamine. But quite honestly, it truly is taking so much to get high on it.

So ... how do you rewire and reboot your mind after living your whole life with the same habit?

I appreciate your honest and transparent responses.

Thank You!