Relationship advice would be appreciated

Is she a nice person?

 

It's best to be honest than lie your way through supporting her. What's your plan if you fake it? To wait for the surgeries to be done and then peace out? Or hope when they're done she suddenly becomes sexually available?

You can also support her without dating her, emotionally and by using empathy and listening.

lastly, your relationships are not there for your sexual gratification. If you suddenly lose interest because she's goes through things and can't get you off, it says way more about you than you might think.

 

friendship is everything, being a better friend is better than being a good boy friend.

 

Lemme give you my last year in short. I do this, hopefully, go grant you some insight and to share. Because that helps me.
2020 on January I started NoFap for the first time seriously after playing around with it for some months. I was 31 years old at that time.
I was chronically single the years before, had one real girlfriend in my early twenties for a period of 8 months and after that some 10 encounters with women. Maybe here and there some few weeks of dating. It never worked and as I got closer to 30 and still using porn heavily my dick lost his full hardness. Sorry for the detail. But it matters.

So the first six months of 2020 nothing much happened. I had a 60 days streak and some 30 days streak. Never made it through the "90 days challenge". However did I feel better during this period and my circle of friends started to respect me more. There are a lot of women in that circle, who I've never had a chance with.
Of course, since this is a NoFap post, in the midst of the year I started my succesful 90 days streak. And what happened? After being slowly and organicly more and more confident around my friends for six months now the girls showed a very heavy interest in me and I finally had the guts to go for it.

But I was still shy and was scared to not get it up, especially with a girl that my guy friends know. The shame was real bro.
So one night the hottest girl and a good friend of mine took me home with her. She eyeballed me the whole night until even a blind man like me knew, that all I had to do was to ask her, if we should take an Uber to hers. She instantly said yes.
At hers I got nervous, so as she offered me a bear - probably to warm up and set the mood - I just started talking about NoFap and about my problems. Even that in the last years I have had difficulties getting it up.
And what happened? She understood. We talked and slept side by side - nothing happened.
The next morning I got home feeling neither weird, nor sad.

A week later I ended up at her place again, she basically managed the whole thing ...again.
And this time I just went for it and it worked. We're still friends and she never told anyone. As a matter of fact, I started getting more confident sharing my NoFap decision with my friends and some understand and some don't. Don't become preachy is what I can tell you from experience.

So we're skipping some months now. I've had 3 other women during that time (one girlfriend, my second in life) and a great relapse in November and December. Two months of going back to cranking it out like a maniac.

That's part of it.

January I'm deciding to go back to dating as I start my new streak on which I'm still on.
Of course I'm thinking: Last year was fine, I figured sex out now, so this should be easy.
Big nope.
As I meet my current girlfriend and we finally wanna sleep with each other, what happens? ...You guessed it. Nothing. I couldn't get it up.

So. I do what I've learned last year. I'm telling her everything about NoFap and my porn addiction.
She listens like all the other girls from last year and was totally understanding. I've not once been with a girl that made me feel bad for admitting to porn addiction and that stuff.

This is where it might get interesting for you finally.
If I hadn't shared with her that my brain is basically f*cked up physiologically, she wouldn't have understood. She wouldn't have had the ability to help me with my problems and feel therefore free enought to open up her problems. (She has some difficulties, too, but I'm keeping those for myself here.)
So we're two adults now that are trying to figure this whole stuff out. Be honest about this. You will not regret it. If she doesn't like you, because you can't f*ck her, well, then she wasn't the right girl for you anyways.
My girl and me had sex after some attemps, after trying to fool around and playing. Sometimes we would just cuddle.
She would ask a lot, but I had the answers, because I read books about NoFap and porn addiction.
I even showed her some videos that would explain it better than I could. So now she's fully on board and we're going date by date.

Also important: The girl I'm currently with also has had way more sexual experience than me. Here's what you do: You never ask her about her sexual past. Say "It doesn't matter, what you did." That will make her feel that you're secure about you're own sexual history.
And at the same time you never share you're ful sexual history with her. Never. Under no circumstance.
She might figure out pretty much anyways through your behaviour, if you were a super stud or a late starter.
As long as you don't specifically tell her, that leaves room for her to imagine. And she will imagine, what she wants to imagine. She will imagine you're a stud, or whatever she wants.
And that will work in your favour.
Just trust the fact, that unless you tell her your entire past, she will fill the holes in your favour.
That's not lying btw. That's what couples do, where both had like over 50 partners. They really don't care anymore and don't wanna go over every guy or girl they ever had.

Long answer.
I always hope, that I get long answers, or good answers or any answer.
If it was too long, tell me also. I'll keep it short next time.
Didn't mean to drop my lifestory, but to get some credability and compassion.

Cheers

 

If the situation was reversed do you actually think a woman would wait on you?

 

I don't know.

 

I mean, I'm one and a half years into NoFap. Having had multiple streaks over 60 days. Finished the 90 days.
I'm at a point, where porn is slowly fading away from my head. The pictures and the wires in my brain are fading and what's lasting is the rest. This rest is fairly weak. It's the natural part, that activates, when being with a female, when seeing her, when usually becomming aroused by a real person.
That part got uncovered after about one year. And now I can work on that. I don't see it as a problem, but an opportunity. That's how present it to my girl. Now I can't tell for sure, if she stays with me through the whole process - I wish it, but can't be naivé.
The thing is, since I keep her in the loop and have shown her videos on youtube (The great porn experiement - A tedX talk) and work with her and accept her flaws it's gotten to become an honest relationship. I didn't know how to set expectations for her and to be honest: The first weeks, where we were trying were hard, because very often it wouldn't work on my end. But with time it got a little better.
I can see in my head differences on becomming a little more secure about arousal and "being allowed to be aroused" in front of her. It all sounds a little weird, but if I had to classify my problem analytically I would say, that I have an arousal disorder from using porn way before having sex. I've always had a movie in my head from the day before or so, when having sex in the past. I trained my brain to rely on these pictures and movies. Now that they're gone I'm left alone with my own fantasy. Weirdly that involves me being in the picture with her and that's harder than expected. Especially, when wanting to do a certain style, like rough sex or aggresive sex, spontanious sex, that's where I have to start over and relearn it all. Feels weird to say it, but I feel like a complete virgin again. At 32 years old, that's a hard hit.
But the point is, that I'm not afraid to face these opportunities (see my wording ;D) and to try myself out. I read about sex, talk about it and take my time to think about it. Since porn is basically gone from my head I have an empty page to fill with what I like. I've already discovered some new things, that I like.
Also since I keep my girl in the loop, at some point she said: "I'm actually interested on where this leads to. If you become a great lover, that's a huge turn on, even if you're not right now one."
And I have to tell you also. I'm constantly making small progress in my head, while having sex. It's about taking my time, enjoying it in the moment and feeling pleasure and giving pleasure.
I'm definatly not there yet, where I wanna go. Sometimes I lose my erection still, but I've become more secure on how to get it back. I let her do some things to me in between and feel more secure about "using" her for my pleasure. She seems into that. And it does feel differently from before. It's so much slower, than I've expected, when I have sex, even though the time is not much longer. It's about the feeling of it.
I have high hopes and reason to believe that it will become way better, than it already is and that's why I share this with you. On the one hand it keeps me going and motivated, but also I want other guys to know more details about porn addiction and arousal disorder. Quitting porn is the first step, you might years later re-introduce porn into your life, but at first you have to "heal" the uncovering problems behind it all. Those will come up, too.
If you're young, you might not be affected by this as much as me, but still take your time for the deeper parts of quitting porn. Is it really just porn, that's your problem? Or are relationship problems, intimacy anxietys or some other fears to overcome, too?
If you want, we can message privatly for some story sharing.
Have a good time during the holidays.

 

Bro take the black pill bro