My story. Foot lover, porn lover.

Hi guys, I hope you're all well and fighting your addictions as well as you can.


This is my first ever post on this site. I'm 37 and have been addicted to porn for about 17 years. I'd say the early years of addiction were not so severe, but looking back, it was definitely there. However, the addiction got really bad about 7 years ago. So, I’ll tell my story in 2 parts: Pre-Severe and Severe.


Another thing to know about me is that I have a very serious foot porn addiction and I have no doubt that my love of feet has fuelled my desire for porn.


Because my foot fetish is the main driver of my behaviour, I’ll discuss that first.


Firstly, I know that my foot fetish is not porn induced. I can remember having a ‘thing’ for feet in childhood. I think my earliest memory is from when I was about 6. My mum’s friend was at our house and she had a daughter the same age as me. We were playing a game and we were hiding under a table. For some reason, I have no idea why, I wanted us to be both barefoot, so we removed our socks. After some time, her mum found us, and she asked why we had no socks on. I can remember that moment as clear as day, some 30+ years on.


When I was at infant school (aged somewhere between 5 and 6) I remember being in the school hall, doing some sort of sport and we had to wear a specific type of shoe, like black pumps. Anyway, I didn’t have mine, so I had to go barefoot. And I recall feeling somehow ‘naked’ in that, to me, being barefoot felt I was exposed.


When I was a little older, maybe 10, there was a programme on TV on a Saturday night, a family entertainment show, called ‘Gladiators’. So, anyone who has not seen it, it’s basically a game show where contestants try to beat professional body builders at some kind of physical activity, like running, fighting etc. There was a female gladiator called Jet, and she was incredibly hot – in fact lots of guys fell for her, that is common knowledge. But, for me, the budding foot freak that I was, I just recall seeing her feet, her soles, wrinkled as she took part in the show. At that age I didn’t feel any sexual desire I was just really fascinated by them.


--Pre-Severe--


Fast forward to 2005. I’m 20. Up to this point I’m pretty normal, I do masturbate but I have also had a long-term GF, no problems at all. My older brother comes back home from university and brings his computer. This is the first time there has been one in the house and we have internet.


I remember one Saturday morning, the previous Friday I had been out with friends having a drink. I woke up still a bit pissed feeling incredibly horny. My brother left the house to go to work, my parents left to go out for the day, and I thought: ‘Humm, I wonder if I can find some foot pictures on the computer’ – the beginning of the end.


I think the sensory overload that morning was like nothing my brain had ever experienced before. I don’t know if it’s possible to ever recall one’s hardest erection, but I can honestly say I still remember that morning, looking at my dick, thinking, it’s literally like an iron bar, hit someone with it and they’d be out cold.


Over the next 2 years I started to watch more and more, I didn’t have my own computer, so I was restricted by availability. But when I got the chance, I’d prioritise that over anything else. So, if my brother left the house on a Friday night to go out, I’d make any excuse not to go out with my mates just to watch porn. I’d also lurk on chat sites too, to see if I could get chatting to a girl and eventually get her to sext. And I think herein lies one of my biggest issues: I need to drag out and extend my fap time to indulge in the pleasure for as long as possible. I’m definitely one of the types that edges for hours. By trying to find girls to sext with (99% of the time unsuccessfully) intermittently watching porn, I’d end up sitting there for hours, only constrained by the time I knew my brother would return home.


Then I left home to go to university, complete with my own laptop. Surprisingly enough, my accommodation did not have internet in the rooms (crazy right?) as standard, so at this point I wasn’t the full-blown addict I’d become. I had a friend who lived in the flat above who paid extra for internet in his room. One day he was out and for some reason I had his key (I probably made up some bullshit about needing the internet for an essay…laughable really) and I went in there and downloaded as much as I could. But, not foot porn, I was too sacred that if someone found my stash, my secret would be out. So, I downloaded full length pics so I could still see feet, but not arouse suspicion. I even threw a few pussy close ups in there too. And, funnily enough, I don’t know how, but one friend did discover my pics and labelled me a ‘pussy freak’…something I was secretly happy to be associated with.


During my time at university something in me changed. Oftentimes I felt very nervous and anxious around people. I do feel strongly that this was primarily caused by my excessive pot smoking habit that had been on the go for a couple of years before I arrived there. Also, there was huge social pressure to ‘do a lot of girls’, some guys in my neighbouring flats were keep count of their conquests (I mean, that in itself is really sad) but I would be lying if I said I was not influenced by this. I was. I needed to ‘pull’ I needed to prove something. I wish I had more self-belief back then and wasn’t so impressionable, but unfortunately, I was.


One night, I ‘pull’, she comes back to my room, I’m excited, happy. We get into it, I’m hard and just before it enters, it disappears. It literally drops down dead. It’s hugely embarrassing, not least because the girl in question lives in the flat above, is part of the same circle of friends and I know, I know for a fact, that eventually word will get out. To be fair to her she didn’t announce it from the rooftop, but she did say, I know as word eventually got back to me. From that day I have always had ED issues.


So, my ED comes from psychological issues – that’s for sure. But it also comes from porn. By this point my relationship with it was unhealthy. And my foot obsession was raging. I only ever came to feet so it stands to reason that normal sex wouldn’t give me the same ‘kick’.


--Severe—


After returning home from university, I had many experiences of ED. All the same. Getting hard initially then going soft. Time and time again. I lost relationships over it for sure. In fact, looking back, I’ surprised I even put myself in these situations as I knew it would occur.


Around 2011 I decided it was time for the blue pill. Actually, before I discovered how easy it was to buy them online, I bought Chinese herbal medicine for the problem. There was this dodgy looking shop in my local town that sold it. I remember thinking A) I hope this doesn’t kill me and B) I hope it works.


I’d met a girl through some friends, and I was very much into her. I vowed to myself that I will never let my soft cock ruin another relationship. So, on the day I knew we’d have sex I took my Chinese pill with me. I was absolutely terrified of the encounter. I went in the bathroom, took it and hoped for the best. We were in bed; my hands were sweaty with fear, I was just going through the motions while thinking about my dick. I can say on that day I was probably the most nervous I have ever been and without that pill, my dick would have been nowhere to be seen. But, miraculously enough, it was hard! And we did it several times! It was incredible, I felt amazing. Later we went downstairs, and the kitchen light was on. I said, ‘oh, your lights are bright aren’t they’…and she’s like, ‘no, just normal’. Well, that pill must have dilated my pupils to the point where I could barely open them in a lit room. Despite the clear health risks, I continued to take one every time I knew we’d have sex. And to this day, she was the girl I had the best sex with. Not just because of the pill but also her, she was terrific in the sack.


Fast-forward 3 years. I’m with a new girl. We connect upstairs, she’s great but the sex is average. I’m still using pills. My life circumstances change, I’m now working for a university on a project, I have no immediate boss, no-one checking on me daily, I can work from home, GF is out all day at work…I watch porn every day. Overtime our sex life evaporates but against this backdrop she wants a baby. I agree. I stop watching porn for a couple of weeks, we have below average sex twice in 2 weeks and she gets pregnant.


Her near year of pregnancy is what turned my addiction into overdrive. No longer did I have to abstain to fulfil my ‘duty’ as I began to see it, as I’d say, I don’t want to when you’re pregnant…just an excuse to watch porn more.


From Monday-Friday, she’d leave at 8:30, by 9:00 the laptop would be out (knowing by 9:00 she’s unlikely to come back in case she’d forgotten something). I’d start with foot porn > femdom >findom. I’d look at the time and think, ‘OK, I’ll give myself an hour, 10:00 comes, and I say ‘I’ll go to 11:00’…and so on and so on. By 4:00 I know I only have an hour left before she comes back, and I eventually finish. Shower, tidy up, eat. Most of the time I’d dash out of the house to the supermarket just to not be there on her return. It also gave my day some - albeit tenuous - sense of ‘normality’ just to get out.


So, this behaviour went on for a year or so, and then she finished work for maternity leave. Suddenly, she was in the house all the time and I had no time to watch porn. I became moody, depressed, short tempered and in short, just not a nice guy to be around. And I was also probably not great company during my constant fapping.


Long story short we are now separated. My daughter lives with me 50% of the time and despite my obvious character flaws I’m doing a good job as a dad.


But I want to find love again and be happy. So that’s why I’m here. I need to kick the habit. I know it’s had massive repercussions on many aspects of my life and others’, which I feel shamefully guilty for. I know I need to change. I’ve wasted too many years screwing things up and of the years I have left, I want them to be different.


To any young guys reading this, please, don’t waste so many years like me. Don’t spend good quality years gurning in front of your screen, pumping for pixels, it’s no life.


I’m currently day 5 without PMO. Longest streak is previously 2 weeks. Then I felt like I was being possessed to watch porn. Hopefully I can be stronger in the future.


Good luck to us all!

 

Hey Nucleus, thanks for the reply. Yeah it was a bit long, but I have taken a lot from other people's long format stories, so I wanted to repay in kind.

Thanks for the encouragement, it means a lot. It's comforting to know I'm not the only one with such difficulties.

Hope you're good and keep going too.

Are you on 494 days?!?!

 

hi @Longtime27, interesting that for you acting out didn't live up to the P high. This is exactly the same for me. When watching P, I often thought 'I'd like nothing better than this IRL' - but, actually, it was never anywhere near what I imagined.

I think IRL, there's an awkwardness, the tangible aspect just doesn't do it. I put this down to being conditioned to visuals, but if you're like me, it's visual after visual after visual...and on and on - so nothing like what real life could ever be.

 

hi @Catholic Austist glad to hear you're on a good streak. No idea how old you are, but I know one thing for sure: There's millions (globally) of guys with the exact same issue. Only the tip of the ice-burg of those recognise their problem and are actively trying to do something about it, so it's great that you're in that minority.

If I could turn back the clock I would, and I'd change my behaviour, but I can't. But you don't need to, you have those years ahead. Keep at it.

 

hi @Time to quit, for sure it's never too late.

I think it's a very common escalation story. For years I only ever watched les foot P, but overtime the recommended videos introduced me to JOI > F Humil > Femdom > Findom. Never would I have even discovered this world without my foot addiction.

Good luck with your own streak - keep going