Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

Let me start out by saying I never thought I had a "problem" with porn or masturbating. Here and there through the years I've had a few moments of "I wonder if this normal..." and being a bit concerned about how these behaviors may be affecting my mind and body. I have been married for almost 5 years (a very rocky 5 years) and this is an issue that has often come up.

For years I have also had a drinking problem which I'm finally getting under control. After a few weeks of sobriety and some more intentional living and decision making I noticed I hadn't been using porn or masturbating as frequently as I had been. I basically had a eureka moment when I began to see a pattern of behavior that had formed over years of drinking and depression.

Basically I would 1) start to drink 2) stay up late and watch porn 3) Feel like crap the following day(s) and 4) watch more porn/masturbate to try to feel better.

For a while these behaviors worked at making me feel a bit better. Then I noticed my drinking was getting worse, I was feeling worse, and I was getting almost no satisfaction of any kind from porn, masturbation or THE REAL THING. I was also sinking deeper into depression, but I was drunk so often I didn't ever deal with any emotional issues causing it. I was/am stuck in a habit loop that is thoroughly self-destructive.

As I sobered up and began to confront with my emotions and other issues I realized that drinking and porn were not the problems- they were symptoms. I was self-medicating in the worst way and my body/mind began to need more and more "medicine" to keep up. After some near-rock bottom moments I finally decided I'd had enough of feeling so terrible and worthless and physically wrecked. I wanted out of the habit loop.

Drinking and porn have basically gone hand-in-hand for me for years. And both things have similar triggers for me- stressful day? Grab a beer/watch porn. Something awesome happens? Get drunk with the guys until you'er the last one up, then watch porn. Got in a fight with the wife? You guessed it- drinking and porn. Eventually I was drinking so consistently and using porn so frequently that I lost track of the "why" I was doing/using those things.

As I said, a recent commitment to getting control of my drinking has showed me I have other vices that require attention. I realized I needed some kind of support and encouragement, along with a dose of accountability to start to fight against my destructive habits. Not drinking has been surprisingly pretty easy. But the porn...the porn has stayed.

This morning I had a moment of weakness and gave in...and felt like crap afterward. Not just physically but emotionally. I was almost immediately depressed and physically weak and apathetic. This is not the life I want, and I am not the person I want to be. I have known for a long time I needed to address my drinking problem- seeing how deep a hold porn and masturbating have on me has probably shocked me more than a recent intervention my friends had for me after a night of particularly excessive drunkenness.

I am hoping to one day post in the Success Stories in this forum, and also that whatever I'm going through my be laid out in a way that others can find useful as they fight for a better, more fulfilled life without the tangles of addictions and the decisions and behaviors that accompany them.

 

Thanks for your reply Mike. I really like your suggestions about starting this whole thing. Like I said, porn always seemed to be a "back burner" issue, I figured well, ONE day I'll quit/cut back my drinking and then I can probably just deal with porn. Its been pretty startling for me to see PMO could be, and likely is, a worse issue for me than my drinking. On a side note, I don't consider myself an alcoholic as in being someone who is physically dependent on alcohol. But I am absolutely 100% an abuser, and I know I cannot have ONE beer. That piece of my brain is broken. If I start drinking, I do not stop. I can go without drinking and have had long and short stretches of not drinking for different reasons without any kind of physical symptoms of *needing* a drink.

Exercise is something I really need to make a priority. I'm in HVAC so a lot of days are pretty physically demanding, but I have always felt and acted better when I consistently work out. For me it has to be first thing in the morning, otherwise it won't get done. And it is also sets a good tone for my day and I feel I have a lot more energy and sleep better as well.

One really important thing I've learned from my years of drinking is that no one or thing will make you quit. And I suppose that goes for just about anything in life. The day I decided I really, really wanted to sober up and straighten out I was thinking how tired I was of feeling so bad all the time (physically and emotionally). I of course had thought about my wife, kids, commitments and responsibilities, an uncle who drank himself to death. Those were all reasons, but I had to decide to do it for myself to feel better. I've basically come to the same point with porn- my wife and I have fought about it and I've used whatever excuse you can think of for it. I'm at a point in my life where I just don't want to keep on doing things that distort and muddle my life and reality. So whether that be drinking or porn or whatever other behavior, I want to get on the other side of them and take control. And that begins and ends with ME.