Hi everyone, So I’m struggling with masturbation and with a fetish for seeing women tied up, in particular ‘damsel in distress’ scenes from TV shows and cartoons. However I actually regard my fetish and my PMO addiction as separate problems. Related of course, but I realise that if I didn’t have the fetish I may just be addicted to masturbating about something else – I’ve learned to accept that solving one problem doesn’t necessarily solve the other. To some degree I accept that I may be stuck with the attraction for life, but regardless of this I want to stop looking at material online and stop masturbating. So even if you can’t relate to the fetish aspect, I’m still fighting the same PMO cycle many people struggle with. I can actually look at material without masturbating at all, and even then I don’t do it as much as I used to. It seems to be that it’s when I’m lost in thought and not interacting with anything that my self control takes a nosedive and I’m fighting the urge to masturbate without even looking at anything. This is by far the worst when I wake up in the morning or in the middle of the night. I’m feeling particularly aroused, my thoughts wonder, as does my hand, and I go all the way to orgasm using nothing but fantasies in my head as my material. Getting up and doing something tends to help, especially if it’s time to get up and start my day, but it’s significantly harder to motivate myself do this if I wake up in the middle of the night or earlier than I would normally get out of bed… both of which happen a lot. If anybody has advice for dealing with temptation at such times, I’d really appreciate it! Strangely enough, on the contrary if I’m thinking too hard about something during the day, in particular a difficult problem, I’m also prone to masturbation then, even without anything to look at. Working at home during the pandemic has exacerbated this one in particular. So in a nutshell, I seem to be safest when my mind is occupied with something simple or straightforward. But a wandering mind in the middle of the night on the one hand, and a mind struggling with a complicated problem on the other, are both unavoidable situations… there’s no software to install on my computer that can block either of them! I'd also like to add that I’m coming at this from a Christian perspective. Of course, I’m happy to receive support from anybody and willing to help anybody I can also, regardless of background, but am particularly keen to meet others in the faith who are fighting similar battles.
Hey, happy to have another fighter! Here are some tips, I can give you straight away: -Don't look and think about porn. I know, it sounds obvious, but look at my definition of porn - anything that triggers urges. It should change your perspective a bit. -If you thought something like "I can't avoid looking at everything that triggers me, especially when that fetish is involved", I answer: "Yes, you can! At least up to 90%..." It takes practice, but if you dedicate yourself, you can do this. -Waking up in the night and feeling urges? You've reminded me of those terrible nights that I was spending on fighting until morning and then failing anyway. Hundreds of times. Those nights are really tough, but if you go to sleep tired, you can probably get through them without waking up. During my reboot, I was training hard in the evenings, getting a cold shower (like, a really cold one!) and going to sleep. Of course, I'd wake up sometimes or had a wet dream, but I could fight it off. I'd use another cold shower or got up and did some push ups. I guess, there are more ways to counter it, but all of them lead to... -Dedication - luckily, you're a Christian as well, so it's easier for me to relate. Faith helped me a lot. I used to go to confession more often, attend morning masses (instead of staying at home and taking a huge risk!) and generally trying to find myself and my sin in all of this. I'd pray for my successful reboot. Yes, faith was a vital part of my reboot and now I can clearly understand how I can pay back for my sins by changing all of this evil into something good, like talking with you If you need, you can write (although sometimes it takes me some time to write back). God bless and cheers!
Thank you I think a broad definition of porn makes sense... by limiting my definition of 'porn' in the past to the more traditional sense it's been easy for me to lie to those who ask me if I look at it/struggle with it. That's the problem with language sometimes... it's so easy to manipulate it so that we can make excuses and lie even to ourselves!
This is an interesting take since I've usually regarded my fetishes, despite not always being pornographic, as the same issue.
Hi @XandeXIV welcome to the forum. Your post indicates how tricky this addiction is from a couple of angles. One is that unlike substance abuse, our 'drug' we carry around in our heads, as fantasy can also be a source of addiction. That is, we are addicted to the sexual self-stimulation from within our own memories and imagination. About two weeks into my own recovery I was driving home with the kids in the backseat, and a scene flashed across my mind out of the clear blue. (There were no thoughts or urges to act out before this, I was just quietly driving without anything going on - no radio or music or conversation.) And of course the scene was a 'favorite' one, no need for details. I simply let it go, and decided that I would develop some alternative habits and choices beforehand (and have written them down) so that these memories do not get reinforced. A second angle is that for you, masturbating to your fetish is not acceptable behavior, while it could be acceptable to others. With sex addiction (of which pornography is one) SAA has a helpful concept called the Three Circles - here's a pamphlet about it online. You define what the Inner Circle behavior that is your own definition of sobriety or abstinence. Also helpful is what the other circles mean - for you. For me, masturbation is in my inner circle, as I cannot masturbate without harmful fantasy; there are others who can (and do) masturbate without any thoughts at all, a purely physical experience. A third angle is what your mind is preoccupied with, what kind of habits your mind has in its operation. As Craig Parra once said on a podcast I really enjoy (Porn Free Radio FWIW), "to break a habit, you need to make a habit". Thus having habits of the mind can really affect your thinking upon being awake in the middle of the night, or when your mind wanders around to other topics at random, or when your mind reflexively jumps when thinking through a hard problem. One idea for your mind: memorizing Scripture, heck why not an entire book of the Bible. Back in the day, I would memorize Ephesians (a favorite), Galatians, I John, several others. Didn't complete Romans but got to Romans 12 and declared victory. Anyway, another idea for your mind, again borrowed from Porn Free Radio: organize your thoughts by listening to solo piano music. Dobschuetz recommends Philip Glass' "Mad Rush" from an album called "Solo". (Warning may be triggering for some who cannot use it: YouTube link.) A fourth angle is you do not indicate the kind of support you are getting. I am a firm believer in the need for involving others in our recovery, and these 'others' are In Real Life people. A combination of the following: accountability partners, potentially a therapist or psychiatrist, group meetings [such as Celebrate Recovery (Christian), XXX Church (also Christian), Pure Desire (Christian), PAA (12-steps, which I am involved with), SAA (for a wider realm of sex addiction, lots of great resources), the list goes on], a sponsor for working through the 12-steps, and lastly (not a primary source of support mind you) a significant other. (This reminds me of this thread - all 8 pages of it - where one individual felt it wasn't necessary to tell his wife about his recovery in his case. Fascinating discussion there; to be clear, I do not bring that thread up to shame the individual, I do bring it up because the drive to keep our addiction hidden and secret from our spouses just prolongs the inevitable - she finds out, and is devastated; this disclosure can be handled much differently, specifically with a therapist (or therapists) present to assist the discussion. Okay, lots of angles to ponder. I wish you the best in this journey.
Thanks @luckydog With respect to the second angle, my faith is largely what defines my behaviour as unacceptable. As a Christian it's of course important for me to uphold God's standards for sex, but more than that, my understanding of scripture and relationship with God has helped me to understand why he has those standards. And the three circles thing looks interesting, will definitely look into that one. The point about making habits to break them is a good one too and one I've thought about before. For example, I've started wearing gloves when working from home all alone to guard against those times I start touching myself out of response to stress. I get changed into clothers immediately after getting out of the shower as in the past when not in a rush I've just sat around naked for a while to dry off naturally - but again I realised that had to stop as it also led to temptation. And as it happens, memorising scripture - even the entirely of Romans - is something I have done I slipped out of the habit during lockdown though as I used to do it on lunchtime walks at work. I recently realised I should get back to it. As for the fourth angle, I completely agree, others should be involved. they have been in the past, actually, but I suffer from anxiety (mainly social) which makes opening up about this much harder. Opening up too much at once has been overkill in the past, mentally, but I know I mustn't avoid it. Joining these boards is a step towards that, and once I've adjusted to opening up through posts, I plan to take the next step and find an accountability partner. I happen to agree that ones partner should know about their recover. I don't have a partner now, and I have in fact held back a lot on pursuing romance for the very reason I don't trust myself to be honest (I have a bad habit of lying as a knee-jerk reaction to anxiety triggers). I fully intend to open up to who I marry, if anybody, but I need to be mentally ready for it first. I'm waiting to meet somebody I feel I can open up to naturally.
Hi @XandeXIV glad to read these replies. Spirituality and relationship to God as a Christian is important; I am one who was really serious about his faith for 15 years (actually moved overseas as a missionary, planted several churches stateside, preached in the open-air on several university campuses in California) yet the problem with pornography and masturbation is not a Primarily Spiritual Problem. It is Primarily a Soul Problem. (And yes I acknowledge there are those for which sex addiction is a Body problem, a biological one where medication is in order.) As a Soul problem there's a long-term relationship to pornography connected to our emotions. We turned to porn because it was not a problem; it was a SOLUTION to our problems. Feelings of anxiety. Feelings of inadequacy (a big one for me). Feelings of blah and boredom. Feelings of loneliness. Feelings of celebration. Feelings of frustration (another big one for me). And that relationship is not an easy one to say 'good bye' to. In 'The Final Freedom', Doug Weiss has a powerful chapter called Psychological Freedom. Among other gems, he recommends writing two letters; a Thank You letter, and a Good-Bye letter. So I filled up a page thanking Pornography for all the good times it provided me, all the entertaining hours, all the good feelings, all the variety of naked people doing things to expand my imagination. Thanking Pornography sounds strange, doesn't it? Well there was plenty of things Pornography did for me. A few other things I thanked Pornography for was to salve my wounds from long ago, to ease my raw feelings about loss and rejection and pain, it was an anesthetic, a numbing agent to help me forget. Another page was filled with the Good-Bye letter. Good-bye because you, Pornography, almost ruined a 20 year marriage. Good-bye to the delayed ejaculation problems plaguing my sex life. Good-bye to the lack of communication in the bedroom. Good-bye to the lack of intimacy with those closest to me. Good-bye to the secrets, lies, guilt, shame, aloneness, meeting my own needs, thinking I'm different than anyone else in my sexual needs. Good-bye to the loss of hours, loss of focus, loss of money spent on my sexual addiction, loss of self-respect, loss of what-could-have-been. There are many here who are naturally introverts, and suffer from social anxiety, to varying degrees which pornography over our younger years (many of us throughout our sensitive teen years) plague our relationships to this day. And in our various ages and stages of life, it's like we suddenly wake up to the need to connect with others, to become vulnerable with others, to become honest with others, for the first time in our adult lives, and it is TERRIFYING. In Porn Free Radio, Matt Dobschuetz says something remarkable; a powerful mantra in Episode 131, on the Upper Limit Problem, around minute 46: // "I expand in connection, confidence and love everyday, as I inspire those around me to do the same". Connection - not isolated, not pulling away, expanding, looking for ways to reach out. Confidence - not worried about getting isolated, moving forward and growing Love - expanding capacity to give and receive love in recovery While inspiring others - helping others along their way, creating space for them. Children, spouse, coworkers - space for others to grow in their connection, confidence and love for others. // Being an introvert is not an excuse for not being connected, not being confident, not giving nor receiving love. I'll end this with this quote from the Big Green Book, a book that I finished recently and got a lot out of (it is from the Sex Addicts Anonymous group). Honesty, willingness, courage, humility, forgiveness, responsibility, gratitude, and faith are just some of the names we give to the spiritual principles that gradually come to guide us in our lives. Green Book p.61 I wish you the best.
