Journal: My Journey Turning Struggling and Surviving to Strong and Supportive

I am a wife of a long-time porn addict. I have decided to begin a journal here, as a way of opening myself up to receiving helpful insight into his struggles and a way to connect with other supportive wives (thank you @Strugglesaurus for the wonderful insight and encouragement).

I joined this website to, very specifically, NOT be encouraged to leave him, if I wanted such cliché BS I would seek my mother’s advice on this matter. I have involved no one from our circle of friends/relatives, as it is really none of their business and would sabotage my husband’s ability to fully recover, as well as inevitably invite a barrage of negative messages regarding our marriage and my active choice to stay with him.

I will give a little background, and try to spare the repetitive details that everyone here has been through countless times. You all know how it goes. My husband and I have been married about 7 years. We have 2 young impressionable boys. I have known about his porn addiction for about 5 years. When I discovered it, I was quickly made aware that this is an addiction, not a “normal” porn use (I use this term loosely as a way to differentiate porn use vs porn addiction, as they are very different. In no way do I mean to imply porn use as healthy and acceptable, nor immoral and destructive. I am speaking only in reference to my own experiences and respect others’ differences of opinion and wish to avoid this debate.) From that point on, we had begun the endless cycle of discovery/hurt/lies/hurt/admission/hurt/promises/repeat. About a year ago, my husband began to, I believe, take quitting P seriously. He has been aware of the damage it caused in his life for far longer than I have been around, as he has been struggling with porn use since early childhood, significantly pre-pubescent. He has had success abstaining from P, though limited. Internet filters on phone and computer have helped, infrequent individual therapy, and limited opportunity for access have all helped limit porn in our lives; however, relapse has been a repeated occurrence. I believe he hits the state of “becoming complacent” (thanks @Sun Bro for giving me the perfect term to say exactly what I mean!) and then relapses.

This time has been the first attempt that he has eliminated MO as well, and is looking at the counter-productive effects of the fantasizing aspect of MO as a part of recovery. As proud as I am for making the most progress as he ever has, I often deal with all the same old fears and doubts and anger and the ever-present hurt. I often find myself numb and beyond caring (not really, just such a long-term overload of so many negative emotions erodes the desire to care, to care means to hurt, therefore it can be easy to not care, when really I just care so much I can’t handle it anymore. I don’t think that made sense, I will have to analyze that one more later). I have spent hours and hours on this site, reading journals, threads, and website references (yourbrainonporn.com was extremely eye-opening for me, I can’t even remember who to thank for referring me to that one, I’m sorry).

So here is where I am at right now. I have read several wives’ stories that say it gets easier with time. In my case, I feel like I’ve been here for so long already, that it’s not really easier to trust my husband again, I am in the position where it’s just easier to expect him to not be trustworthy. I don’t expect him to tell me the truth, I often fully expect lies. It’s easier to read signs of when he’s relapsed, and to automatically be on the lookout for those signs. It’s easier to live with resentment, not because it’s faded but because it’s been present for so long it’s become part of how I operate. Lack of evidence of P use is just evidence I haven’t discovered yet, not proof that he hasn’t been using. In the past, years ago, I have stormed out, thrown things (not at him, although I wanted to), broken expensive technology, kicked him out of the apartment, given the cold shoulder, cried, begged, and screamed. Nothing I am proud of, I know I am far from innocent, and I have at one or several times made it all worse for him. I have tried talking, arguing, individual therapy, couples therapy, self-help books, detachment, and encouragement, everything I could think of over the past 5 years. Now I am not saying this is healthy. I am saying this because I need help through a different kind of hurdle. After years of this same hurt, I have become much, much less “passionate” about my disappointment and hurt and anger. I feel like the damage has all been so present so often it has just solidified, I am less reactive outwardly to bad, but just as numbed to good. This seems dangerous to me.

I want to be open to actually trusting him again, I want to want to trust him again. I want to be able to give him credit when and where it’s due, and not treat it as if it’s a lie too. I want to able to be vulnerable and open to hurt because that is how I can truly connect with him again, which is what I REALLY want. I believe I can achieve this, through validation from him that I have been effected by this significantly too (thanks @Sun Bro for telling me what I needed to hear on that one, I believe it gave me something to hold onto, and much-needed too). Support from you all here will go a long way in my journey, and better enable me to be in a state that will help him too. I want to actively help him this time, not just wait for the next disappointment. So, here I am, getting involved in a whole new way.

There is power in education, I have spent a great deal of time, since discovering this site, reading the science behind this particular type of addiction. I have learned a lot, and still have a lot to learn. Objectively, it is mind-blowing the severity of what you porn addicts are facing. A multi-billion dollar specialized industry, the ridiculous ease of access, the triggers EVERYWHERE, from tv (a specific burger commercial comes to mind. Yuck.) to billboards to clothing ads in a department store. Then there are the brain tricks of association, seeing a short skirt or a person simply bend over or just being alone in a house or turning on a computer. Porn addiction is also one of the few addictions that plays on an evolutionary basis that already exists in the neuropathways of the brain, (food and reproduction are in the same priority category to the brain, if that gives you an idea of how deep this goes, to anyone new reading this) which makes the ease into addiction easier and the urges stronger and the cravings more frequent and intense. Then, there is hypofrontality. THAT IS A KILLER COMBINATION. I have a new sympathy to what you fapstronaut guys and gals are facing. Holy Taledo, that’s overwhelming odds against you. Ugh. Which means overwhelming odds against my husband, therefore against our relationship.

I am not giving a free pass, addiction shouldn’t be used as a get-out-of-jail-free card, but I have a newfound sympathy for the magnitude of this problem and the power it has over a person. This addiction chemically and neurologically changes the brain to perpetuate itself. Another discouragement: the earlier in life this addiction starts, the deeper it is and harder to resist and change. My husband, as I have said, began his journey with porn significantly pre-pubescent, which means he will/has had an even harder time of it. Maybe this is the beginning to me giving him more credit where its due, as his progress thus far has been without a strong support system. Only me, admittedly a poor one at best sometimes. Wow, I feel like a dipshit. This is where I need work.

Having read many wives’ journals and threads, I have noticed a commonality: they actively work on their own personal self-improvement, and things get better (thank you @Blondewife for inspiration!) I severely lack skill in this; I became a mother at a young age and feel that I never learned how to take care of myself, never found hobbies or learned how to relax. Not a whole lot of time/money/energy for that with children and working to meet financial demands. This I will change. Not sure how yet, but I vow to make this a new focus in my life. Maybe this too will help with the numbness and negativity. There are no possible down sides to pursuing this.

I read in one of the threads here about the fake aspect of porn, the MO to a screen, and how it is so artificial. It was compared to conditioning oneself to MO to a banana so severely that it has to be the banana (paraphrased in my own words, I’ve read so much on this site I could not find the thread again to give credit to the person, I apologize) I found this slightly humorous, but astounding how accurate the comparison was. I have long felt that porn is disgustingly fake, but the comparison really put into perspective how deeply this goes and how the people here are aware of the fakeness of it all, don’t really want to be doing what they were doing, and respond the way that they do/did anyways. This clarification has helped me to remove myself a little bit from my husband’s problem. It’s not that he’s choosing more attractive fake women over me, and therefore I should feel grossly inadequate by comparison, it’s that he’s conditioned to the “banana”. And has been for a long, long time, well over 2/3 of his life. If a porn star were in the same room as him, he would still choose the screen. This is a new concept to me, for so so many years I have compared and felt so inadequate and ugly and undesirable. It doesn’t take away all the past hurt, but perhaps I understand a little more now and have a starting point in my own healing from the trauma of being the wife of a porn addict.

Again, in no way am I trying to make excuses or justify actions or give anyone a free pass. I am just coming to a point that I can understand some things about my husband’s struggles. In no way does he have a free pass to continue forever without consequences. I know there are a lot of hurt spouses and SOs out there that would be appalled by my attempt to understand, but I am a person that puts forth true effort to see things objectively if I want to understand them. I am, right now, in a place I can do that. Largely thanks to this site and all I’ve read here. And I am aware that this is just my own understanding, and everyone deals with things and heals in different ways.

I want to thank @lyad3618 for the affirmation that my involvement in my husband’s battle is not only appropriate, but invaluable, and for the little intro to the science behind this, which led to my recent research. To answer an earlier question, if you read this, there is abuse/trauma in his past that has complicated his porn addiction and is the reason P came into his life at such a young age. This is also largely why I have stood by him through his porn addiction, as best as I knew how anyway. I also have my own history with abuse, which makes me particularly sensitive to the objectification of women. At times, this is quite a bad combination, it has been a hard battle. Insight and resources about abuse/trauma linking to porn addiction would be appreciated.

I am definitely noticing that putting all of this down, into words on a screen, has helped me to piece some things together, process what I’ve learned, to make some sense of it all. I feel free to express some emotions that I’ve been burying for so long, and this is the first time I’ve ever really talked about this outside of the relationship and counseling. I still can’t believe that I am not alone in this! I definitely see the potential therapeutic benefits. I will try to write when I need to. Probably not every day, maybe once a week. I hope that my writing can help others, the way reading other journals has helped me.

Thanks for reading this.

May healing and progress continue.

 

You are absolutely right! I do very much need to create a better habit of looking for the small successes and focusing on the good. This is definitely a goal in my self-improvement journey. I have a lot of work to do! As far as the dark past, I actively try very hard not to feel sorry for myself, although I have my days. I know there are many people who have survived extreme, horrible circumstances far beyond my own experiences and became happy, healthy people and an inspiration to many. Viktor Frankl comes to mind, and Dave Pelzer. If they can find peace, anyone can. It is without a doubt true, that I have control of the person I have become and continue to grow into. My husband does too-no excuses! I only mentioned the history because I know it colors perspectives and is significant; it is an important element in the addiction and everything we've both been through. I thank you for your input, and taking the time to read my thoughts. I hope you continue to comment! Best wishes.

 

This has made me want to clarify my intention of mentioning abuse in my first entry, as I have re-read what I posted and I want to make sure it doesn't imply anything that I didn't mean to. We all know how text cannot convey all meaning, and leaves much open to miscommunication. I only mentioned the history because I am very much aware of how it is important to address the roots of problems and emotions, and acknowledging the abuse is a significant part of that. In no way do I mean to belittle anyone else's experiences or challenges, I do not claim that mine or my husband's problems are bigger/tougher/deeper than others'. I only know my own experiences and speak of only my own. Just to clarify, in case I came across as one of those people who want only want attention or pity.

This journal is a recording of my thoughts and emotions, a tool for me to analyze myself and my situation, and to possibly find patterns, and what works and what doesn't. I am doing this publicly because I can benefit from insight and opinions of others who are more experienced or wiser than I am; I also hope to help others on their paths to healing and success, even if it is just through giving them something to relate to and feel a little less alone.

Obviously, this is my first journal, and I may be a little paranoid about the internet and being misunderstood...

 

So very well put! I have become angry at the addiction, not at the man my husband is. I want to learn to support him through this, instead of adding to the self-defeating cycle by being another complication and source of shame. I want to be the partner he can turn to, I do not want stuck in a "parent" role. That being said, I have no intention of allowing the behaviors to go without consequences, either. "understanding should not become rationalization" -I really like that phrase. That is something I need to remember every day.
It gives me chills, to think of that monster part of him. That dark place is a cold reminder of what we are working towards, and why.
I am sorry you've had to go through terrible things too. I thank you for sharing that, it is not easy to do. Your recovery is a affirmation that he too can recover and become healthier. Does it get easier? Or do the ups and downs become an expected daily battle? Any advice on what I can actively do to help? I have been educating myself, started working on some "me" stuff, and have been working to reopen communication more fully. Is there more I can do? I know the actual work is on him, his responsibility, but I am open to advice on my role in this.
Thank you for taking the time to read my journal, and to leave the feedback. Your insight is appreciated, I hope you also continue to share it with me.
Best wishes to you!

 

I appreciate your response @Buddha Punk Robot Monk, I welcome your advice, I value your insight. I hope you made it through that difficult day, I wish the best for you. Please continue to share and comment.

I have spent many hours reading and even responding to posts this week. It is a good feeling, to think that I might be able to help someone else through a hard time. I hope that I can contribute to this site as much as it has helped me.

I have gone through a lot of different emotions this week, and I need to get them out to sort through them.
I have often been too tired at the end of the day to write, and I need to more often. I have a ton of thoughts throughout the day that I need to pay more attention to, although work has been interfering quite a bit with that.
My contract with my job will not be renewing, so I will be out of work much sooner than expected. I am afraid of the financial stress and what that will do to our relationship. We don't need another obstacle, long distance with his work trips and his PMO addiction is enough right now.

So much of what @Gamerwife85 said in her post about the experience with the mall and anxiety and feeling like less of a woman, less of a human, and the comparison to PTSD was so so so accurate, I can 100% relate to that. It is a painful position to be in. The damage to us as spouses is a handicap, an open wound, a very real struggle that affects every aspect of our daily lives. Healing for us is a slow process, honestly I am not sure I will ever be 100% back to my old pre-porn-addict-husband confidence.
I have struggled ALOT with working out. Exercise is good in so many ways, and would go a long way for making me feel better about myself. However, every time I have the slightest urge to exercise I am immediately crippled by the thought of the fit and firm women that my husband always sought out to PMO to. (fit athletic feminine women were just one of the themes he sought out, not the only. I am simply addressing this one) I want nothing to do with them or that. I don't want to be anything like them in any way. At all. Ever. It sickens me. I don't ever want my husband to look at me that way. I don't want him to see me as a living masturbation tool. I don't want to make his dick jump. I don't want him to even think of using me, consciously or subconsciously. It sickens me how long I've been nothing but a tool for his sexual satisfaction. How many times it wasn't me in his head when he O'd, even during intercourse with me. How often he fantasized about women he saw at the gym. I don't know how to get over feeling so used, so inadequate. I don't know how to get over this. The surge of emotion, the repulsion to working out is so strong. And it makes me mad all over again. I deserve to workout and become happier with my body, but I can't stand the thought of the side affect of becoming more like the porn women. I do not want to be sexually attractive to him the same way they were/are, as much as I desperately want to be attractive and beautiful and captivating and desirable. I want to feel good again. I am so damn tired of his baggage so thoroughly effecting me, becoming my baggage. Ugh. I want to feel sexy, but not be associated with sex. (what? I confuse myself sometimes...I hope you all know what I mean)

When I get mad at him, I sometimes find myself fantasizing about what I could do to him that would make him feel the pain that I have felt. I know this is twisted and far from healthy. I have to keep reminding myself that he is in pain. His addiction is painful, and it is not right for me to want to bring him down to wallow in it when he is actually, finally doing the real work to overcome it. It is selfish, but I want him to work to make me feel better, I want him to kiss my feet a little to make up for everything I've gone through. I want him to put himself through something uncomfortable for the sole purpose of expressing sincere remorse. (his reboot should be this, I don't know why it doesn't satisfy that want for me-perhaps because he should be doing that, so it doesn't count as 'extra'?) I am so tired of feeling like he says sorry and then its over for him. I also need to remember that he is away a lot, and that it is not fair for me to expect things from a distance that he can't give from a distance. Then I just get mad that he won't quit this job to better enable himself to be here for me, like he's choosing his job over me. But then, we have kids and my job is ending unexpectedly soon, so really he is being the "man of the house" like he's supposed to be. I need to continue to offer love and support and vent these emotions in a way that won't hurt him. So here I am typing away.

I just have to deal with these emotions and try to not give in to them and let them control me. (um, I suddenly see a similarity in what I am going through and what he is going through too. Different details, same thing?) Sometimes I think his improvements are more uncomfortable for me, in a way, than when he was using P. Back then, I had accepted the pattern and knew what to expect. Don't misunderstand me, I don't want him using P then or now. But now, hope and trust in his improvement makes me vulnerable in a new way and I don't like it. I can't stand to be hurt again. The last thing I want to be is vulnerable and in a position to be more deeply hurt than I already have been. Its hard to fight these automatic self-preservation reactions. Sometimes he doesn't understand that for me, a lack of P evidence isn't proof that he hasn't been using P; in the past it only meant that I hadn't stumbled across evidence YET. The lack of proof isn't proof, its just a question mark. And that is uncomfortable for me. It takes a huge leap of blind faith in him, even though he's proven so many times, over and over, that its foolish of me to trust/believe him. I, understandably, struggle with this sometimes. Especially since he is home 2 weekends a month. Literally 6 days a week, at most. Really, how would I know if he were lying to me again? Most of the time, I can feel ok, because we are talking like we never have before, but I have my days where I can't get over feeling so stupid. I just have to keep going through a whole lot of self-talk, and refocus on the good things, no matter how small. Geez, its a challenge though.

With all my self-improvement goals, it often seems to be nothing but an additional source of frustration for me. In addition to work, two kids, maintaining a household and financial management, I have tried to work on "me" stuff.
I have dug out my old sewing machine, read "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl, tried new recipes, applied for college to go back and finish my degree, given my appearance extra attention, and given myself a thorough pedicure. I have also logged onto this site several times a day to read posts. Really, this is a lot in one week, but I struggle with getting too focused on it, and when usual responsibilities hit, like its time to cook dinner or I have to go work, I just want to explode. I am quick to anger lately, like I am just overflowing with frustration. (stress of job loss and single parenting lifestyle could be contributing greatly to this) *&&^%$#@!@#%^! When I really want to journal and I can't.
I have been told I tend to do too much too fast, I go 1000% but I burn out too quickly. I want to journal for hours and hours every day until everything is all out there but that would overwhelm me. I am the type that once I make the decision for improvement, I identify issues and then I want to cut out all the bad immediately and be done with it, but that leads to bleeding out and ultimately more damage than good. I have to be careful to pace myself and make sure I am making all positive changes that will last, without overwhelming myself. Slow and steady wins the race? My impatience is torture...

Anyways, this is a little glimpse of where my head is at right now. I will continue to check in and update, although not daily. I appreciate all the support and comments and advice and insight. You guys here are awesome, I thank you for all you've given me.

 

I know that depression and low self-esteem are a big part of what we go through sometimes. I posted this as a response to a wife struggling, and I have used these methods myself, and I just wanted to re-post this in my journal for anyone who missed that thread but could still benefit from it. I hope it helps.

I am going to focus on the you part of this. The part of the addict and PMO addiction is an issue that can be dealt with separately, but you are the most important element in this right now. First and foremost, you need to take care of you and you need to be ok again.
It is beyond hard to reach that low point of depression. I have hit some pretty low times myself. Having to carry on for impressionable kids makes it that much more difficult, because you can't exactly scream and cry and crumble to get it all out, so often a "shut down" becomes the alternative. I get it. My heart goes out to you. There is a valuable strength that comes from surviving these times though. I can tell you what I do that has helped me, but please remember everything is different for everyone.
He has to want to stop. You can not make him. That is a hard pill to swallow, but you must accept this and remember that it is his own choice and has nothing to do with you and your value, but everything to do with his depth of addiction.
It is ok to hate that addiction, you have every right to, so don't allow yourself to feel guilty about it. You can hate it with all your being.
When things are so bad that it hurts to breathe, cut back to "survival mode". Now is not the time to make big changes or set high goals, like weight loss or trying to keep the house perfectly clean. Just focus on the basics:
Get enough sleep, even if that means an over the counter sleep aid for a few nights. Keep up with yourself, take time for a bath or give yourself a pedicure. Things like washing the dishes can wait. Allow yourself to cry and give yourself time and space to meltdown. Find a neighbor, family member, friend, or a hired babysitter to take the kiddos for a few hours so you can have a giant, well deserved pity party. Scream into a pillow, cry until you run out of tears, tear up a magazine. It works. Getting out some emotion will do a world of wonders for clearing your head in order to make decisions and think more clearly. Church can be a great place to find a 'mommys day out' daycare or low cost drop-in childcare. If they are old enough, a last resort can be putting in a kids movie so you can cry privately in another room. (of course, make sure the show they watch is age appropriate and check on them at regular intervals or use a baby monitor). The trade off of getting you to a better place is worth making it happen.
Don't be afraid to ask for help. Professional help can be a lifeline. If you need it, seek counseling. Most places have an income-based cost if your insurance is an issue.
I do not recommend involving family members or many friends, I recommend the details need to be private until this is 100% settled. You don't need a bunch of people telling you only what you want to hear or bombarding you with opinions of people who have no idea what you're going through. It could make things harder.
Let some things go. There are things we think are important but really are too burdensome to keep up with during down times. Maybe your kids eat a PB & J for dinner instead of you cooking, and that is completely ok. They won't mind and you need to focus as much energy as you can on getting yourself to a better place. That, in the long run, will be more beneficial to them anyways.
Give yourself something extra. Eat chocolate, watch a favorite movie, read a book.
Look at yourself in the mirror, and out loud tell yourself that you are valuable, that you have a beautiful body, that you love yourself and that you love your beautiful body. It may sound cheesy to some, but it is actually hard to do. I just couldn't do it for the longest time, when I did it was powerful. Go through every feature and appreciate it, your shape of face, eyelashes, curve of neck, everything, one by one. I have found it easier to appreciate individual features, and eventually realized that the big picture was worth admiration too. The deep feelings of inadequacy from damage done by our addict husbands distorts our perception of ourselves, and we see "ugly" in the mirror without having any reason to. But by breaking it down into pieces, we can reverse that and see our features and eventually our whole selves as we really are-beautiful, unique, valuable.
The fact that you are on this site says a lot about you. Give yourself credit where its due.
Watch some uplifting TED talk videos. you can find them on youtube or ted.com. Search by subject, and you can find some truly uplifting stuff. Some of it can be life changing. Read self-help/life-improvement books. Life's Greatest Lessons 20 things that matter by Hal Urban is good. I re-read that one when I get down and need a boost. Remember that motivation follows action. Sometimes you just have to do, and half way through you realize that you want to do it, and the next task is that much easier. This applies to everything from taking a shower to cleaning a room or taking care of kids or running errands or giving yourself that something extra like a pedicure or movie night.
Remove yourself from him a bit for awhile, emotionally. Take a step back from trying to see how hurt he is or isn't, don't allow his actions/inactions to interfere with you getting yourself back up to a point where you can function again. Its easier to work on things when you can think clearly, so we need to get you there. These issues you can pick back up anytime, and can be easier to deal with in a healthy way when you are in a healthier mindset. I am not minimizing what he is doing and the significance of his PMO addiction, I just know how important it is to take care of yourself, and how hard that can be at times.
Know that you are not alone, we care about you here, and know what you're going through. Keep journaling here, it is therapeutic.
~AnotherAnonymousWife

 

I appreciate your reply, it has given me a lot to think about since you posted it. Actions vs. Intentions-that's a huge concept swirling around in my head right now. Thank you for sharing a little about your experiences, the business trip part I can directly relate to right now, my husband spends more time away than he does at home and its hard...I look forward to recommending the cpf postings to my husband. Best of luck to you, and again, I thank you.

 

Ok, so I just have to tell you guys...I love you all! You all have contributed so much to me coming to where I am now...and its light years ahead of where I was just a few weeks ago. I feel like this little 'family' is a lifeline I didn't even know I needed, but now I can't imagine being without. (Well, mostly you 'staple' members, there are too many to list and I am afraid I would leave one of you important guys out and I don't want to risk that) I regularly read posts and replies and journals and it has been such a huge help. Every question, every comment, every opinion, every up and every down, every journal. I wholeheartedly wish you all the best, I am totally cheering you all on. I hope to contribute to others what you all have given me. I wish there were better words I could use to convey this gratitude I have for you all, but I guess a thank you will have to suffice. So thank you.
~AnontherAnonymousWife