Im new here.

Maya -

I guess it was serendipity that I found my way just minutes after your post. And with the caveat that I obviously know nothing about your husband as an individual, I will tell you about me in the hope that it will help you understand him.

I am a happily married man. I have been married for more than 20 years. I have children, I coach sports teams, I own and operate a successful business. I am athletic, play sports, and in great physical fitness and shape. From the outside looking in, my life looks just like the playbook.

On the inside, especially as of late (last 8-10 months), I have been a trainwreck. I work alone in my office, and probably 4-5 days per week, I have been masturbating to pornography in my office. Worse still, this behavior has "picked a scab" of sorts and locked into a sexual fetish that I have had since childhood - crossdressing. In my case, this "interest" dates back to fairly early childhood ... my parents were divorced, my father had sole custody, and I would often steal (and wear) my mother's clothing. It turned sexual in my puberty, but largely switched off during high school and college. This fetish has "reared its ugly head" a few times in my life ... right after my marriage, when my wife was working and I was home alone, struggling to find a job ... when my father died ... last year, on the heels of the most stressful work situation of my life. I have watched CD/transvestite porn and Craigslist, the latter not for the intent of hooking up but to see real, amateur crossdresser (and yes, I am cringing even as I type those words). I did a great deal of online research (non-pornographic), which was very, very helpful in understanding myself and accepting/forgiving myself. I learned that most crossdressers are, in fact, married and heterosexual.

After months and years of struggling with this, this is where I have come out. I cannot control what turns me on. I did not ask for it, and I certainly do not want it now, but I have it. And from everything I have read, there is no way to change it now. Personally, I suspect that it has more to do with low self-esteem and a desire to be submissive, to be desired, and to play those roles in sexual fantasy, rather than any genuine desire to experience what I am watching (which usually looks very painful and humiliating, even while watching it). And while it sounds ridiculous, I am not sexually attracted to men. It is just a sexual fetish. The other thing that I have learned about these kinds of gender/sexual identity issues is that no two are the same. On one extreme, there are men who become full transexual women. On the other extreme, there are people like me ... heterosexual men who are inexplicably turned on and aroused by this fetish.

There have been many, many times when I have thought about telling my wife and, perhaps, even finding ways to work through this with her (sexually or otherwise), but I am just mortified and sickened by my own fetish and what she would think of me. Candidly, your reaction is pretty much exactly what I would expect. And the whole Caitlin Jenner has only made it worse. I think it was scare the crap out of her now. And for those reason, this will be the only secret that I have ever kept from my wife in more than two decades of marriage. And I am going to have to carry it for another 40 years, should I live that long.

In conclusion, again, it is impossible to paint with a broad brush in the area of sexual/gender identity issues. I am going to guess that this is your husband's "deepest, darkest secret," and something that he has been terribly ashamed and humiliated about since childhood (or whenever it developed in him). And I will tell you this ... Your discovery of this secret, and his ability to "let it go," may actually turn out to be a gift. You may find (as I have) that it ties into some emotional issues from his childhood or upbringing. You may discovery (as I have) that this is a part of him that you can accept, that he too is on the "fetish" side of the spectrum, and that this aspect of his psyche is as much a part of him as the masculine he-man that you see on the outside. His soul is now laid bare to you. I feel his pain in discovery, and in some ways, I am jealous of him that he has let it go.

I wish you the best of luck. Keep talking and communicating and being open and honest. Ultimately, this will only make you and your marriage stronger.