New supportive wife with alot of questions/fears about rebooting and sex

Dear 'AnotheranonymousWife',

First let me say that you are a brave, loving and compassionate woman for being here. It shows your deep love for, and commitment to your husband and I commend you for it. You are going through
a major array of emotions as you describe, which is not an easy place to be. I will tell you that my wife is going through the same range of emotions as you are after she discovered my addiction 30 days ago.
I experienced the same 'symptoms' you describe your husband having (ED, etc.), which is a direct by-product of the addiction. Although behavioral in nature (we do not consume
chemicals), it is considered to be similar if not stronger than any other chemical addiction such as alcoholism and cocaine. Why, because the brain was reconditioned to release chemicals that we are
now used to, pleasure chemicals that under normal circumstances are released gradually. With pornography, those chemicals are released in bunches, which condition us to want to come back for more
of that 'instant rush or high'. It's a gradual and systematic conditioning that will require a systematic and disciplined approach to reverse. It is clear to me that he has perhaps the strongest ally he could count on to
overcome this malady, YOU.

Has he acknowledged responsibility for his behavior/addiction, and not blame the world for it? I don't see anywhere where he has. It begins there. Has he sought counseling of any kind? Is he carrying
traumatic experiences with him that you do not know about? We all bring our history with us to a marriage, some that we tell our spouses and some that we don't depending on the nature of the background.

I personally brought events of sexual abuse to my marriage, events that I pushed to the back of my memory until 6-7 years of marriage when those memories and trauma awakened me. This was partly the reason
I engaged in pornography.

The effort, and burden to overcome this is all his, not yours as it is his family that is at stake here. As in my case, my wife has become my accountability partner, not because she drives me to change my
behavior, but because I know where she stands; I either get on with the program of overcoming this or I will lose her, that simple. That is exactly what I am working on doing. He must be the one wanting to learn
about his affliction. It helps that you do because that way you understand how it impacts the brain, and strategies to combat it, but it's all on him ultimately. One very good resource I recommend ( I am enrolled) is
Fortify. See attached link for more information: http://www.lethimhealyourheart.com/...need-fight-the-new-drugs-fortify-program.html. The key is that your husband MUST be the one wanting to
do it, making the commitment to get serious about overcoming this affliction. Will power alone is NOT enough.

Blessings to you and your family.

 

You are a different kind of support system. He needs something that can educate him in his faults and mistakes and also have someone to be there to love him. What it sounds like is your husband is in a mindset we call "becoming complacent". It causes us to feel like we can take on the world on our own, deal with our problems by ourselves. If he is truly still abstaining, he is a better man than I and I applaud him for it, but I have never seen anyone do this alone.

He needs to want it himself. He needs to get on here, make a journal and counter and keep himself accountable for his actions. He will then learn what triggers him and wonderful methods of abstaining. He can do it if I can.

He is going to have to want it. He is going to have to educate himself and understand the pain that he is causing and doing to himself. Getting him involved here with this supportive community will help him realize what the underlining issues are. I promise. It will save your relationship, but only if you both try.

He can get the help while traveling here. I would be glad to answer any questions he has and so would the community. They have mended my broken mind too many times to count.

You prepare yourself by telling yourself that this is an addiction. It has a very tight grip upon him. It has a unimaginable hold on his mind. It will shape and contort it into thinking desperate things to get what it wants. You have to be there for him, but let him know that he has done wrong.

Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. It will take time and lots of effort on both of your parts. He will struggle with the addiction while you struggle with the trauma. It is very, very possible and of course it effects you just as badly if not more than him. It is the same trauma you would feel if he had cheated on you over and over. There is no set in stone way to deal with it, but if you would like some examples, there are many wonderful journals of couples fighting the same battles such as myself and my SO.

Something I want to make clear is that if you are willing to stay and fight this battle with him, you have to be 100% in. No half-assing it. You could be hurt over and over, but you have to learn to deal with it in your own way. I can't validate your hurt anymore than I already have. It is valid, I promise.

Struggling with keeping an erection is something a lot of fapstronaunts struggle with. No one knows for sure how the reboot will effect your body, but as far as I know he shouldn't be getting worse in that area if he is actually abstaining.

If he is staying away from P and P subs then his mind will definitely change the way he reacts to sex and sexual stimuli. He will probably be more sensitive and ejaculate easier. It will make sex much more pleasurable for the both of you. I promise

 

Hi, AnotherAnonymousWife. You have some great answers already, but I will go ahead and chime in as a partner of an addict (with an addiction of my own).

As @Sun Bro said, he sounds as if he's becoming complacent or "knows all he needs to know". That is simply not true. With an addiction such as this, he needs to be constantly educating himself which will remind him of the consequences and why he should quit. Talk to him, tell him to get on these forums and start journaling and reading. It will do wonders for his resolve.

It is very possible to relapse when the addict isn't addressing what leads to P use. As we say a lot around the forums: It is not simply abstaining, but rebuilding your life. If he truly wants to overcome this he will have to cast a critical eye on himself and understand why he turns to P in the first place. Then he must work on filling the "void" that P was filling previously, learn coping mechanisms, and create happiness and fulfillment in his life so that his addiction has no place within it. He can access these forums any time he is traveling, it should help keep him on the straight and narrow. I think it's best to convince him to join first. The uncovering of underlying issues happens along the way as he journals and interacts with the community. If he chooses therapy for these issues, it will be up to him to stick to it and find a schedule that works.

I have gone through this many times. It's a difficult situation. You want to support him, but all of your emotions seem to contradict that. You want to congratulate him, but you're also resentful that it has taken him this long to reach 30 days (or however long). You want to be supportive and understand that this is an addiction, but you're angry that he can't control himself. You want to trust him, but you're afraid that he is lying again because he has done it many times in the past. You want to feel comfortable in your own skin and feel beautiful, but you can't help but feel insecure about him getting off to the women in porn and/or ogling women in public.

I'm not going to lie, all of this would be a million times easier for him (and you) if you didn't have these feelings eating you alive. But that's not possible. He has put you in a position of significant mental anguish, and it is up to both of you to heal.

It is his job to:

• Be there to listen if you want to talk
• Answer questions you have
• Compromise with you about activities that make you uncomfortable
• Be honest with you and forthcoming with relapses and problems

It is your job to:

• Take care of yourself
• Work through your emotions with meditation/exercise/journaling/etc
• Be open about your feelings
• Support him the best you can (this does not mean being okay with relapses or lies)

It will become easier for you to support him and feel good about those "high-fives" and "pats on the back". You will start seeing changes within him if he is committed to change. One thing I want to stress: Do not push down your feelings. Don't pretend to be okay when you aren't. Full communication and disclosure of your own battle is important. Otherwise, your feelings will only snowball into something you can't deal with any longer.

You can't fully prepare yourself for a relapse. It doesn't matter how many times you tell yourself "It's inevitable", "It's an addiction", "I'm going to have to just deal with it". It will still crush you when you find out he sought sexual release outside of your relationship. That doesn't mean there isn't hope. There is always hope with this addiction, as evidenced by the many men and women fighting it with their partners by their side. It's hard when you are emotionally exhausted and hurt, but he should understand eventually that you're not going to ride through town with a parade every time he does the right thing. Support him by encouraging him and being proud of his effort.

Relapse is not part of the process, in my opinion. Relapse is when you don't take the right steps to avoid temptation and lose control. He needs to commit himself to this and strengthen his willpower over time. It is possible.

You will feel a rush of all of these emotions for some time, but it will get easier as he continues to be honest and makes an effort to change.

Sex will definitely change. It will be less of a destination (orgasm) and more about connection and intimacy with you. Don't be worried. You aren't even sure how many days he has been clean, but the ED issues could be from a "flatline" where erections are few and he has less desire for sex/is less affected by triggers. It could also be that he's relapsed recently. In that case, the ED will improve as he stays clean. Remember to talk to him about these thoughts, it never hurts to ask what he thinks is the problem. That way, you can worry less about what is going on behind the scenes and he has an opportunity to build trust.

I wish you luck. If you ever have any questions, PM me. We are all here for you and understand your pain.

 

Please do come back and journal your thoughts here. I'm sure it will help you and other partners feel less alone. *hugs*

 

Hi AnotherAnonymous Wife, I am also the wife of an addict. Everything you wrote, I have felt exactly. I've been married 3 years and also have 2 kids, though I knew about my husband's addiction going into our marriage (he told me). Kudos to you for working together on it. I think that's important. My husband has struggled with porn since he was 12 (now he's 28), and the most he's gone without is about a month and a half. For the first 2 years of our marriage, we only ever brought it up every few months or so to do "check-ins," but he still relapsed about once every month. So last year, we started changing things. It's August 24, and he hasn't looked at porn since November 24 of last year, and M'd once in January, so he's been P clean for 9 months, and M clean for 7. Here's what we've done to bring about that change:

-He wanted freedom with his whole heart. If you look at AA verbiage, it makes it clear that you are not responsible for his behavior either way. Don't let his addiction have that sway over you. It's hard, and it took me a long time to be able to understand that, but I think I do, now. Sounds like you're doing a pretty good job working on it, too.

-I am his accountability partner, since we can't afford counseling, and there's no SA groups nearby. Here's what we do (and for the record, it was his idea, not mine--I was afraid to do it): EVERY NIGHT I ask him, "Did you PMO today?" and thank God, the answer has been no except for that one time. This forces him to face his addiction every single day of his life. There's no hiding, and if he's tempted during the day, he knows he has to fess up to his wife later. I think if your husband is an honest man, this can work, but only if you both know he won't lie about it. I know I can trust my husband to tell the truth, but if there have been past issues with honesty, maybe this isn't a good idea for you.

-Not sure if you're religious or not, but we are Eastern Orthodox Christians. We go to confession regularly, about every 6-8 weeks, so if my husband falls, he gets to look forward to telling our priest. So there is another accountability factor. And for us as Orthodox, it's about transformation of the heart, not a legalistic action.

-The icon of the Inexhaustible Cup. Not sure if you believe in miracles, but even if I did before, I certainly do now. In addition to our PMO question/answer session, every single night we pray before this icon. There are prayers that go with it, in the Akathist to the Inexhaustible Cup/Chalice. Here's the main prayer:

"Today we faithful come to the divine and miraculous icon of the Most Holy Theotokos [God-bearer, or the Virgin Mary], who fills the faithful from the inexhaustible cup of her mercy and shows them great miracles; and we who have seen them and heard of them rejoice in our heart and cry out, with deep feeling and devotion, O all-merciful sovereign Lady, heal our ills and our passions by praying to your Son, Christ our God, that He may save our souls!"

I kid you not, I have prayed this prayer every night since November 24, and the one night I didn't pray it, my husband fell the following morning and M'd.

Even though he's been clean for so long now, trust is obviously still an issue. It's hard, and what I've found helpful is prayer and coming here. You need to talk about this, even if online is the only place you can go. Keeping secrets, I think, stalls healing. Healing also hurts, but it gets better. Time helps. Stay strong, look for healing for both of you.

 

I have just recently joined NoFap to support my partner and it's comforting to hear other wives/GFs experiencing the sane thing, Issue 3 which you raised really resonates with me, I just wanted to thank you for sharing.

 

Just wanted to say thank you for sharing. It's very helpful and heartful to hear what is going on for wives/girlfriends of male PMO addicts. It helps me to empathise with my own wife's position in this journey. This kind of insight and empathy helps to reduce negativity influencing the process of communication. So many wonderful people on here.