At my lowest

Some women who've been there. They will see this link.

@Red1837 @Blondewife @AnotherAnonymousWife @NSLucky

 

"He isn't hurt; he isn't suffering"
Well, I can't speak for him--I can only speak for myself. At times, after confessing to my wife (or after she would get out from me), I would feel shame and guilt, but I would numb it with PMO. I was very hurt. I remember feeling like I had stabbed my wife right in heart. Problem was that in order for me to stop the cycle I had to pick myself up and try again, and the picking up and trying again looked like I had not cared about what I did.
Now, I am trying to be careful not to enter the triangle drama. I try to take responsibility without playing the victim or rescuer role.
I guess what I am trying to say is that even though it may not seem like it, I do suffer and in fact hate having PMO'd. Now having said that, please make sure you are not "too understanding" to the point of enabling the addict. It's a fine line.
Take what you like, leave the rest. These words are worth what you paid for. You are not alone.
Oh, one last thing, it's not about attractiveness. Watch the youtube videos on your brain on porn to see what this is all about. Chances are your bf's PMO problem began before he even met you.

 

Xristina, I can so relate to everything you are going through, and I'm SO sorry. I've been here at nofap since 8-4-15 when I found out about my husbands PA. I have two little boys and I know how hard it is to stay focused on being a good mother while dealing with this painful emotional roller coaster.

Has your BF admitted or think that he has a PA? If he hasnt, he wont change. That simple. If he does realize he has a problem, then HE has to want to stop it.

My husband is in the "I know I have a problem, but I don't want to give this up" phase. We started making (so I thought) great progress, then I found where he was keeping and hiding email addresses used for porn and sites like Ashleymadison.com.

He's been a porn user for many years, including our entire 8 year relationship. He's given himself PIED and his genre escalation has gotten so bad he's seeking out contact from real people now.

My best advice is A) stay on this forum and read as much as you can. Take the time to read the men's journals. They are incredibly helpful to understanding the "other side" of this addiction. B) intervene and stop this now if this man is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. It WILL get worse as time goes on, but he has to realize that he has a problem, and he has to want to change it.

 

He has to want to change. Has he mentioned that he does? It took a very long time for my husband to realize he had a problem. P was always "not a big deal" in his eyes. He didn't think that I should be hurt by him watching it. He has to realize he is actually hurting you and wants to change for you to see any results from him. If he's shutting down and not wanting to talk about it with you but wanting to change, find out if there is someone else, or a forum (like this one) where he can seek support.

Open communication between the two of you is really important if things are going to get better though.

 

Yeah, you should talk to these girls. I think @Gamerwife85 is one who went through a similar scenario too.

This too. You can't make him change if he doesn't want to himself. I wish you luck in your endeavours.

-K

 

I am going to focus on the you part of this. The part of the addict and PMO addiction is an issue that can be dealt with separately, but you are the most important element in this right now. First and foremost, you need to take care of you and you need to be ok again.
It is beyond hard to reach that low point of depression. I have hit some pretty low times myself. Having to carry on for impressionable kids makes it that much more difficult, because you can't exactly scream and cry and crumble to get it all out, so often a "shut down" becomes the alternative. I get it. My heart goes out to you. There is a valuable strength that comes from surviving these times though. I can tell you what I do that has helped me, but please remember everything is different for everyone.
He has to want to stop. You can not make him. That is a hard pill to swallow, but you must accept this and remember that it is his own choice and has nothing to do with you and your value, but everything to do with his depth of addiction.
It is ok to hate that addiction, you have every right to, so don't allow yourself to feel guilty about it. You can hate it with all your being.
When things are so bad that it hurts to breathe, cut back to "survival mode". Now is not the time to make big changes or set high goals, like weight loss or trying to keep the house perfectly clean. Just focus on the basics:
Get enough sleep, even if that means an over the counter sleep aid for a few nights. Keep up with yourself, take time for a bath or give yourself a pedicure. Things like washing the dishes can wait. Allow yourself to cry and give yourself time and space to meltdown. Find a neighbor, family member, friend, or a hired babysitter to take the kiddos for a few hours so you can have a giant, well deserved pity party. Scream into a pillow, cry until you run out of tears, tear up a magazine. It works. Getting out some emotion will do a world of wonders for clearing your head in order to make decisions and think more clearly. Church can be a great place to find a 'mommys day out' daycare or low cost drop-in childcare. If they are old enough, a last resort can be putting in a kids movie so you can cry privately in another room. (of course, make sure the show they watch is age appropriate and check on them at regular intervals or use a baby monitor). The trade off of getting you to a better place is worth making it happen.
Don't be afraid to ask for help. Professional help can be a lifeline. If you need it, seek counseling. Most places have an income-based cost if your insurance is an issue.
I do not recommend involving family members or many friends, I recommend the details need to be private until this is 100% settled. You don't need a bunch of people telling you only what you want to hear or bombarding you with opinions of people who have no idea what you're going through. It could make things harder.
Let some things go. There are things we think are important but really are too burdensome to keep up with during down times. Maybe your kids eat a PB & J for dinner instead of you cooking, and that is completely ok. They won't mind and you need to focus as much energy as you can on getting yourself to a better place. That, in the long run, will be more beneficial to them anyways.
Give yourself something extra. Eat chocolate, watch a favorite movie, read a book.
Look at yourself in the mirror, and out loud tell yourself that you are valuable, that you have a beautiful body, that you love yourself and that you love your beautiful body. It may sound cheesy to some, but it is actually hard to do. I just couldn't do it for the longest time, when I did it was powerful. Go through every feature and appreciate it, your shape of face, eyelashes, curve of neck, everything, one by one. I have found it easier to appreciate individual features, and eventually realized that the big picture was worth admiration too. The deep feelings of inadequacy from damage done by our addict husbands distorts our perception of ourselves, and we see "ugly" in the mirror without having any reason to. But by breaking it down into pieces, we can reverse that and see our features and eventually our whole selves as we really are-beautiful, unique, valuable.
The fact that you are on this site says a lot about you. Give yourself credit where its due.
Watch some uplifting TED talk videos. you can find them on youtube or ted.com. Search by subject, and you can find some truly uplifting stuff. Some of it can be life changing. Read self-help/life-improvement books. Life's Greatest Lessons 20 things that matter by Hal Urban is good. I re-read that one when I get down and need a boost. Remember that motivation follows action. Sometimes you just have to do, and half way through you realize that you want to do it, and the next task is that much easier. This applies to everything from taking a shower to cleaning a room or taking care of kids or running errands or giving yourself that something extra like a pedicure or movie night.
Remove yourself from him a bit for awhile, emotionally. Take a step back from trying to see how hurt he is or isn't, don't allow his actions/inactions to interfere with you getting yourself back up to a point where you can function again. Its easier to work on things when you can think clearly, so we need to get you there. These issues you can pick back up anytime, and can be easier to deal with in a healthy way when you are in a healthier mindset. I am not minimizing what he is doing and the significance of his PMO addiction, I just know how important it is to take care of yourself, and how hard that can be at times.
Know that you are not alone, we care about you here, and know what you're going through. Keep journaling here, it is therapeutic. Feel free to message me anytime. You are in my thoughts, I wish you the best.
~AnotherAnonymousWife

 

I can definitely feel your hurt. I echo what the other ladies have said, whether he wants to change is important.
I have recently decided to focus more on me, making myself happy and emotionally healthier, because I can't fix things for my husband. He has to want it badly enough to go through what seems (based on what I've read here) to be a pretty rough move away from something he has used for so long it's part of his daily routine now.
You should allow yourself to be upset, angry, and hurt, but then figure out what you can do to accept those feelings and keep his issues about him and not about you.
Hugs!

 

Xristina? Είσαι Έλληνας;

As an unmarried, though taken male, I know how hard it is to live with this while your partner knows. Telling her was the hardest thing I have ever had to do and I'm sure him telling you was as well.

You know, maybe he's feeling great because he's beaten a Personal Best? I'm not normally one to be positive, but you never know.

Xristina, please don't stress. He is doing this for you. He is definitely attracted to you, trust me. Like every male in a relationship going through PMO. Our women inspire us to keep going, push us further to finally beat this horrible addiction!
He's told you for a reason and that's to stop.
Guys act all tough, but some of us have soft, gooey centres.

I hope this helps, and stay strong!

 

My heart goes out to you, @xristina. Like many other ladies who've posted here I can relate to the feelings you're experiencing. I agree completely with @LostWife's comments - he has to want to change and mutual open communication has to happen in order for progress to be made. You are not alone here; you are cared about by all of us.

 

@xristina I know exactly how you feel. I just posted my own thread in the 'Womens' category. It's hard when you love them too, and it's not always as easy as just leaving them and finding someone else because they have scarred YOU. YOU are hurt. YOU are left feeling basic and unattractive. Then, you end up hating all men because you know they all watch. You watch husbands with their wives turn their heads in public to check you or another girl out and it's disgusting. You feel for the girlfriend or wife he's with... ugghh

 

Wow.

There was me thinking the addicts were us single blokes.

When i was in a relationship (we didn't live together) i MO far less.

How can someone not "use" their partner instead of porn?! Is beyond me!!

IMO its far easier to give up if you have a partner. Particularly someone supportive.