Day 35 - A noFap story

As I did come here to find help during the hard times in this last month, I am writing for who will need to read that, after all you are on the right path.

I come from a difficult moment, a lot of stress at work, a lot of isolation due to the covid, a long-distance relationship ... I did fall in to a dark tunnel, where I woke up, watch porn, then start my work day, in the night watch Netflix with my girlfriend (each one at his own house) and then again and again ...

When I visit my girlfriend, and when she come to me, I lose the focus on her, I mean in that days I felt happier, and did not use porn, but was just a few days and in the summer a lot of work cause more stress and I was in a fog state.

In September, she broke up with me because she said I change, and she did not succeed to help me, and not seeing in me a prospective to exit this state, and start building a real future she wanted to go by herself.

I was dead inside, all the sacrifice I made were in order to have a better life together and now I was alone. In the last months I had problem maintaining an erection, I thought it was an hormonal problem, and to be honest this did not help our relationship.

I start to wake up, and stay in the dark, watching in it and thinking on what was going on, on where my life was going, and if I should continue it or end it.

In that day I watched porn, and to be honest neither it can give me joy, I tried to go to escort and it was a bad experience, I cannot have a proper erection.

In October, at the end I did discover NoFap and red about the problem I have in this blog so decide to start a new life.

It was hard mode, I quit my job, get away from my family - with whom I had some discussion - and get alone in a new house studying and taking care of my health.

My routine was like, meditation for 15 minutes, study during the day, workout - I was not good at concentrate during the day to maintain an order but I did survive.

After 3-4 days I went to a party, there without talking to much a girl come to me and we start kissing - I am an introvert and shy person, so it was strange to me...

The second week I stop looking for my ex, and in the week end hanging out with a friend had a good night dancing, also there I take the first step with a girl and we did have fun, nothing more. I was worried about the right function of 'it' and want to wait more time in this journey.

During these weeks I try to match on tinder, I felt alone and wanted someone to talk maybe more than talk but also to talk.

the third week went to visit my sister, there something strange happen. we were at a restaurant on Saturday night, when a couple sit next to us. after 10 minutes I notice that the girl was watching at me, and naturally I joke about it with my sister, and she too notice this. I mean I think to be a normal person, but very insecure... so it was nice to see how a girl did appreciate, poor boyfriend haha

This last week I felt a lot depress, but it was not the porn missing, I did understand a thing: I cannot take care of the darkness inside me, the depression, the anxiety with the PMO. I should focus on what cause that and start to have a better approach to life, sometimes I meditate in the dark and when I focus a problem I speak of it, to my self, but I think that you must express it, you must let it go outside otherwise it will grow inside.

By the way I start to chat more freely, also on the dating app, and on Saturday I did have a date. It has been very funny, we drink, we laugh, we took pizza, and one of the best sex of my life. I was worried, you know after a month ... and after months of erectile disfunction ... by the way the first time last normally about 6-7 minutes, the second time started instantly and last I think 40 minutes and this is it, I think noFap did work, I know my mind is more healthy, I know that the Erectile disfunction problem is gone, and sometimes the destiny is weird. This date come ad the 31th days, I could wait three more day to accomplish also a No Nut November, but who cares?

It is from Friday, the day 30, that I would like to write this post, and I stuck in my to do list, because I did not write it before.

The journey is not over, it must, the anxiety and depression are ever here, there is also rage inside me, and I need to heal all of this; but day by day, remember that PMO will not help you, only you can help yourself. Things happen, if you want a life companion, it will arrive, you may think it want happens, but let say do you believe that watching a monitor will find you a girl/boy? will you find a friend? someone to talk with?

So you who may be in trouble, keep calm, you are on the right way and it is not easy.
Thanks for the help you gave me.