New guy. Dealing with PMO and powerful fetishes...

Accidentally posted in the wrong section, posting here now... I don't mean to be explicit, but I don't know if I am being so, so there might be triggers here.

New here. I've been struggling with PMO for a while, and I end up giving in 2-4 times a week.

But the worst part is the fetishism. I'm instantly turned on by other guys with tattoos, piercings, and other body mods. Looking at BME(body mod ezine) is borderline porn for me. I'm sick of this, especially because I keep remembering that people don't put pictures of themselves there and other places for others to jerk off to.

A huge part of this is that on some level I genuinely love body modification, though I've only got one piercing, and it's really easy for me to convince myself that I'm only looking at images because I like the art. By the time I've hit full on lusting I've given over too much of my will and end up watching actual porn.

It's hard having a genuine attraction to something and also having it be a powerful turn-on when I'm trying to control myself, especially when this is so prevalent in the area I live. To me it's like being a recovering sex addict and every woman is walking around shirtless.

This has been going on since I was around 14-16. I'm 21 now, purposefully living celibate. I'm Catholic, and while I'm attracted to the same sex I'm in full agreement with the Church on the morality of the acts.

Another big problem is nipple sensitivity. There's probably just as much pleasure from there as my dick, so when I get urges it starts in my chest, not down lower. This has resulted in my oversexualising my chest, giving me too much access to starting myself off. A lot of the time, it doesn't even feel like my chest is something any more than sexual. It's hard to describe, but it puts a sort of separation between my identity and my body.

I'm tired of objectifying other men, I'm tired of being so driven by instinct, I'm tired of not being able to enjoy something without it being sexual, I'm tired of feeling a disconnect between myself and my body when trying to starve out horniness, I'm tired of feeling so sexual about my body. It's hard for me to imagine what life could be like without the pleasure.

I just need to get this out. Even if nothing helps, I just want to talk about it.

 

Thanks a ton Septimus, it means a lot to me to get response from someone who's been where I am. It helps to know I'm not alone. I just got really emotional typing this up.

I feel like I'm just waking up after a long time to the fact that I need to stop being a neutral party in my faith. I'm done having my spiritual life be nothing but a cycle of sin and repentance. I'm finally starting to get more prayer in each day, reading the Bible more, praying the rosary like you've said. It helps a ton. Prayer is like breathing, it's not necessarily going to fix every problem in your life but you're doing nothing without it.

With the issues I mentioned, when I say sensitivity, I don't mean rubbing against my shirt, I mean I I'm going to jerk off my nips are much more immediately sensitive then down there. So at this point that's also where the "hairpin trigger" feeling you mentioned earlier starts, which is a terrible inconvenience as it's so accessible But yeah, I totally know what you're talking about there.

And I can't just keep a shirt on, my body can barely tolerate any kind of heat, so it's really difficult to have layers on all the time. I love cold. Like, I sleep with no blankets covering me with with a fan blowing, I take cold showers, swim in frigid lakes, and it's all totally comfortable to me. Summer is like hell. I'll be out building a snowfort in a tank top during a Michigan winter.

Thanks for framing this with the fact that it'll take hard work to get through. Any illusions of ease are just going to trip me up in the long run. That helps validate a lot of what I go through.

I've set up a reward/punishment thing for whatever happens in the next 30 days. Like, if I fail, I have to shave for a month. I really hate the way I look beardless, so that's motivation. If I get through a month without PMO, I'll treat myself. So far I'm 3 days in...


Thanks a ton for your reply. It really helps. I needed to get this today.


Also, one last thing. Given that you're attracted to other guys like I am while still following the church, the big question is: How far do your eyes roll back into your head when people accuse you of being a bigot on the internet for your views?