MUAS - My Unhealthy Addiction Story - from Straight to transwoman porn, and self destruction

Hello. I don't know where to start and the amount of thoughts I hold back are immense, so please forgive me if while reading if will look like a messy puzzle, as is difficult for me to attempt to connect all the thoughts in a logical way and don't miss any important piece.

I'll start stating that saying "I feel bad" is reductive, because yesterday, 1st of January, and prior to writing to this post , I relapsed, after not having orgasm for 16/17 days (i meditate 40 minutes per day and having 1 or 2 cold showers) . But during this streak, I did peak almost on daily basis transwoman escorts websites/porn or straight porn ( yes I have a fetish for Transsexuals, and I'd wish not to have, I'll talk about it later ).

During this streak while looking this sites, because bored ( I'm in my hometown right now and don't feel to see anybody, besides I have almost no friends here, and prior to come here my girlfriend left me , so my mood is not the best, i ll talk about this later too ) and because I was a bit worried that my penis would not erect anymore , as I didn't have so much erections like until the month before/ and before deciding to do semen retention.

Anyhow I had an immense stressful time which started at the end of November, when my girlfriend, Alicja, the week after we did a weekend trip together, out of the blue, when visiting me at home, decided to leave me.
She said she cannot trust me .She already left me other 2 times, and somehow I managed to take her back, but this time I'm not sure. She really cannot trust me for a reason.

The first time she broke up with me was after she find out I was using tinder while with her.
My heart fell down when she sent me the screen of my tinder profile pic. I felt a horrible person, disgusted of the picture of myself, like wasn't even me seeing that picture.
I didn't want to say any bullshit which I could have said, and I honestly said that sometimes I downloaded the app and I used it and then delete it. Without going to details I told her how it started; at the very beginning of our relationship, I was still using tinder ( i met her because of bumble though) and before knowing her I was chatting with another girl, and at some point this girl told me that she and her boyfriend are into 3some with another male.
And for me this was like 1time opportunity ( i thought ) as I was watching a lot of porn during the lockdown in 2021, and one of the thing that made me excited was 2 guys having sex with one girl, without restrictions. So while I was dating Alicja, one night I couldn't control my instinct and decided to try this 3some.
Indeed it was great, but I felt so guilty right after, was just empty sex.
The day after I went out with Alicja like nothing happened, and inside me I felt like shit. Somehow I wanted to tell her, what experience I had, and how important she was.
I felt as the moment I decided to do that 3some I knew it was matter of time before I would lose Alicja, and this was reflecting in my long silences, because day by day I was knowing more Alicja and understanding how beautiful was having her by my side. And I felt how I could not deserve this love.
And I was feeling deeply sad inside of me, because I knew when she would find out, all of this would have disappeared. So I was trying to enjoy our relationships every moment, knowing that day would have arrived, sooner or later.
And having back in my head that one day this would have fad away, only ignited in me a cycle of "fuck it, I already screwed it" and so I continued to use tinder time to time with this shitty logic, losing every control with reality.

So, the moment she found out, after 5 months together, that I had tinder, she was disgusted, and decided to leave me.
Desperately, To her I opened as much as I could, I did not tell I had a kink for Transsexuals as I was literally scared she wouldn't want to be with me anymore. The thing I said to her, was that to her better understanding I could say I'm bisexual, but that don 't even define me.
After telling this, that sounded like a plot twist ( she had no clue I might be interested in both sexes ), she told me she felt then deceived, because I didn't tell this to her.
I was trying everything to don't let her go away.
Is like that sentence: " you appreciate something the moment you lost it".


The first time she decided to break was in late august. And as I said few lines before, I opened up, and she decided to get back with me.
Then we broke up again, or I should say she broke up with me in late October ( after a disastrous weekend to her friends flat - where he was making stupid jokes and show off his big car, and couldn't stand him and how she was giving him so much attention even if I was there with her ).

A week later, I told her I needed to have a walk with her, I asked her please. We had a pleasant evening together. And at the end of the night, I ask her to come to my place, and she told that wasn't a good idea, I insisted and I asked her please. So we went to my place, drank and made love, which was amazing.

As I was saying she broke with me another time, at the end of November.
So was the third time she wanted to break with me, and as for now, we are not together.
Like I was saying this was the beginning of a really bad period.

A week later I had to go to my hometown ( in Sicily, where I am ) as my mother had to do some brain surgery, because 4 years ago had a stroke.
The surgery went well, although my mother get easily more tired both physically and mentally, like while speaking ( she s slower ). Doctors say is normal, and take time. But I have not a great feeling of it.
Nevertheless I felt like the only thing in the world I wanted was to put my head on Alicja's legs, having her hands on my face , and forget about the world.

A week later, practically my last best friend, for a stupid discussion, and because I did not reply to him or answering calls , decided that had enough of my behaviors, wished me good luck, and blocked me from every platform.

In the meantime my older brother, which I hate ( I'll tell some of it later ) , came back for Christmas to spend few weeks home.

My stress and depression was at high levels. ( I have also tinnitus , which luckily I learned to manage, thanks to the love of Alicja during the previous months) . So from a month or so the only feeling I feel is that I would have preferred not to be born at all, that I don't want to live, because I don't feel nothing, only emptiness. Only the void.

The only thing I wanted was to become little and crawl over Alicja, which was far away ( she s in Poland - where I normally live , but came back to my hometown for my mother operation and stayed until now for Christmas )

Quite big chapter will be talking about my brother, and how shitty person I personally believe he is and has been ( at least towards me).

He is 6 years older ( I'm 32 ),
when I was about 11/12 years old I was normally aroused and horny seeing vagina and nude girls.
I remember it vividly. This till 13/14 years old.
Normally I would have watch only nude girls, that were showing on tv on alternative channels, late at night, and as I said those nude girls made me so aroused.

This until my brother thought was time to accelerate my "becoming mature" process.
He showed me on Morpheus or E-mule, how by simply typing "xxx" on the search I would find tons of porn.
My brother was like a father figure to me, as My parents divorced when I was 6, and my father is more-less like a stranger to me.

So I began to binge downloading porn content without control.

And at this point the memory is kind of blurry.
I was masturbating to a lot of straight porn, until one of the video which should have been a normal hentai ( also downloaded by just typing on search engine "xxx" ) turned out to be a transwoman/futanari one.
I think was called "la blue girl", and I believe this ( or the other transwoman memory I ll mention later ) was the first time I saw a girl with a penis.
At the beginning of this hentai all was looking like 2 normal girls with vagina, and as a fact both of them had, but at some point one of them grew up a penis to fuck the other one. This for me was shocking and made me horny after the initial shock. And I was kind of addicted to this hentai.

Quite simultaneously (as I was mentioning I had another vivid "first image" of a transwoman) as well as downloading porn content I was also surfing on porn sites , which back then didn't have the various "tube" sites we have today. Randomly I entered a website with a woman with an exotic face, I couldn't tell why she was exotic, until I saw she had a penis, and seeing it was shocking, like I found a gender which didn't exist for the first time.

From there I got addicted more and more and I downloaded more and more content.

When I was around 14 o 16, I had downloaded from this Emule, randomly ( and by randomly I don t mean I didn't look for it, but that probably I found it just typing "xxx" - I don't remember) or intentionally some gay porn, which I ended up masturbating with indeed.

One thing I can never forgive and forget is when my brother found that I had these gay videos.
He was showing me these files I downloaded and asking me "what are these disgusting things? you better delete", I cannot forget how I felt traumatized, ashamed, abused, disrespected, guilt for something that I shouldn't be ashamed of, but he made me so much ashamed, he made me think of me that I was deeply wrong on a deeper level. I never forget how this traumatized me. I'm not even able to fully describe it with words.

So I think this episode deeply interfered even more with my natural sexual discovery.
I was fearing my brother, both in a physical and judgmental way. Almost like he took my soul. I tried to hide this part of me which was just a curiosity , a discovery, and this just hurt my natural growth, as I grew up full of insecurities. And as a result I deeply, deeply hate my brother. And for how delicate and how misunderstandable can be this topic, I never had the courage to tell him or mostly anybody else. I only told to my mother, but my mother is like a flag in the wind when it comes to parenting especially, her direction goes where the wind blows. To Talk to her to find some justice had no effect rather than mere " I'm shocked really ? I acknowledge i", so I was all alone in this world , trying to don't go insane that what I had go through wasn't my insanity but was legitimate...

Anyway I don't know where I want to go from now, As I said I'm in a shitty period of my life.
I want to have kids and family. And many times I think that person Is Alicja.
I want to go back as when I was attracted and so aroused by the vision of girls.
Because of this traumas and these other sexual thoughts, when I'm with a girl, for example like with Alicja, I think if this is a real me, or if I want something else. And sometimes I have this strange feeling that I'm scared of the future, that I will be trapped, but I don't know what I want.
When Alicja clearly doesn't want me I get depressed and think only about her and how much I would like to be with her, When I'm confident she's back with me I feel I have her, and my mind goes to the possibilities and intrigue which something new could represent.

I don't know, I'm lost , I'm hurt. I feel what happened to me is deeply not right, that I didn't deserve to live like this. That I don't deserve it. That I've been misunderstood because of my insecurities.

While we broke up during this month Alicja contacted me, knowing the situation with my mother, and I thought was a way of her to get reconnected with me. But I guess I was wrong ( she told she contacted me out of care - which I don't don't know how to translate in the love dictionary ) , despite she think of me and us and the good memories together, she tell me she cannot trust me, that once gone trust cannot get back, and she doesn't know if time will repair and don't want to give me any hope. I said I wanted to continue to have faith in us, not hope.

Then after saying all I was feeling with her, she told me before saying to me goodnight, that all these nice things I said to her I never told since I know her. I said " sometimes you just don't know the words or how to tell".

Then she sent me a pic a week later ( on 30th December ) when I thought that before, was our last discussion. On the pic there was a bubble glass with the sand from Sicily i gave to her, with the candle in it.

Like one of this:



On 1st january I wished her happy new year and sent her a video from my balcony with the fireworks,
She sent me a reply few hours later ( so I was afraid she was with somebody else ). I replied to her the next morning, asking where she was, and she replied to me telling me only the city name , which isn't where we both live. I didn't want to ask more, even if I wanted to ask more, I was afraid to know she s there with someone or looking to "party".

So for the stress I had now knowing what she was doing, I thought: "fuck this streak of nofap" and thought to go to a transwoman, which then after cooling down I said "no" and came back home, but then yesterday at night I was binging some porn without masturbating, first some transwoman frottage, then I went to see some girls on webcam, I chatted with one that was smoking hot, and then I quitted and decided to go to sleep.
I couldn't sleep at all, maybe was all the inputs on my brain from porn. So I thought the only way to sleep was to finally relapse , I re-went to this girl on the webcam site and came under a minute, I barely touched my penis, but for the excitement I came even though I didn't touch myself even after. I couldn't control anymore the edging and I came...........
I totally feel good briefly, but then I felt like total shit. Like I wanted disappear from existence, felt so empty.

In 3 days I will take the plane to go back to poland, and I thought to see Alicja and that if I would not touch my self at all and continue the streak this would help me to show how faithful I am to her and we would make love ( if I will have a chance ) like never before.

Now is gone , as I said I relapsed even before this post , because I said " fuck it, you already screw your streak or whatever you wanted to achieve"

And now I don't know, I feel like I betrayed my love for her, even if at the moment we are not together.

I feel lost.

 

I'm on day 5 and returned to Poland.
Would like to know if any of you guys has gone through what I'm going through.
Thank you for any support