Submissive tendencies

You sound like me in a way, on the sexual part.
I don't know how many details you would like to know.

I saw a journal of a guy struggeling with the same exact thing.

And there are more on this forum.

Everything you do with a woman is not gay, so it's never directly compared.
But the fetish is very present and cant be ignored

Maybe we need to embrace our manhood and except not everything about sex revolves about penis in vigana penetration.

 

Personally I don’t think submissive feelings/desires are anything to be ashamed of and definitely aren’t tied to orientation. Just about anything can be explored consensually in a healthy way. Addiction is the problem.

 

I have had some submissive tendencies for about 10 months because of porn. I don't like them, I don't want to explore them and for sure it's not something that I like. It's like my mind says something and my body responds in a totally different way. I don't feel in control at all. This really affected my attraction towards women. I don't feel the same. I don't feel like my usual self for many months. I feel ashamed, anxious, depressed, demasculinized and overall bad. I don't feel the need to explore this ,,new side''. I just want to feel like I used to 10 months ago. My libido lowered a lot since then and this is not a good sign at all.

The only thing we could try right now is to quit porn for a couple of good months and see if anything changes.

 

im not an expert or anything but a couple things you could try is firstly positive self talk. every morning either write down or say to yourself "im a dominant king" just build that thought into your mind. Also you could try lifting weights. That'll help build that mindset of im not a submissive im a dominant king

 

I think it is a form of self harm if it happens when you feel low and makes you feel worse after

 

It's a seeking for the next thing that would give me that pleasure from when I started watching porn. I search it without even thinking. If it was something innate to my sexuality, I wouldn't feel like shit every time I finish. I never had this feeling with ,,normal porn''. With ,,normal porn'', after I would finish, I felt always good, the stress level was down and overall I was more happy and relaxed. With these types of porn that came into my life 10 months ago...well, it's totally different. I feel like I want to kill myself every time I watch it. I feel sickness through my all body.

 

I may have a different perspective on this stuff because I’ve had a complicated relationship with it for a long time. I have had submissive tendencies for many years which for a long time I repressed heavily. I was worried about being judged for liking them and as a result I was reluctant to bring them up to my partners over the years. But in my opinion it was that internal shame and insecurity that drove me to more and more porn use, because I could keep it a secret. And THAT created a host of problems. I didn’t need to deal with the vulnerability of talking about it, but denying it in reality kept making the ideas louder in my head, which led to more and more porn use and deteriorating real life intimacy.

I worked with a sex therapist for a long time to come to terms with and accept myself for being who I am and liking the things I like. And then I did actually experience them for real with my partner after opening up, and I enjoyed them without any shame or guilt. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, in fact it significantly quieted the anxieties I had in my head about it, and I could then go months without even thinking about it. Having a supportive partner who doesn’t judge you for them and can have fun with it goes a long way to making you feel better about yourself. But I need to stress that doing something for real and fapping to porn of it are NOT the same. The former can be healthy, the latter cannot. Porn is not only more addictive but it can blur the line between a fantasy you THINK you might enjoy and the reality. Some kinks I thought I was into from watching porn, but when we tried them I really wasn’t.

it’s also important to note that you don’t need to be either dominant or submissive. Your desires can change depending on your mood and that’s totally okay. Sometimes I want to be the dominant one and sometimes I want to be dominated.

I think in sum, you should separate from porn because it’s harmful, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t still like the things you like. and that’s also perfectly okay, so long as you’re engaging in them with a consenting partner and it doesn’t hurt your intimacy in a way either of you find problematic.

 

But what if I know that if I try them in reality might have a much more horrific effect on my self-esteem? I know that if I try those in reality I will feel much worse than with porn. Porn in the first place made me feel like shit. You are an example of a person who liked those things in the first place and put them into practice. You didn't feel bad after it. Me, the OP and others feel very bad only from porn. Imagine if we tried those in reality. I have been aroused by many things from porn, but in reality I like simple things. I watched all types of porn. From ,,normal things'' to straight-up trans/gay/bestiality/gore/torture and even necrophilia. The last ones, every time I would finish watching them...I would question myself if this is my true self or is this a side created by porn. I have OCD since a very young age and this disorder made things 10 times worse. I just want to feel like I used to, that's all. Before I got into these types of porn.

I don't care about what others think or what society thinks. The problem is that I got these feelings from porn and they are not innate to my true self. Like I said, straight/lesbian porn never made me feel bad, not even when I consume large amounts of it. I was really happy after watching them. With these ,,new types'' and feelings I feel like an alien in my own damn body. I don't feel in control.

 

Hey OP, a lot what you discussed in your thread about femdom resonates with me. Particularly the parts about using it as a means to give up control and noticing that urges are more prevalent when you feel like you're in a weakened state. I made a related post in my journal recently here if you care to take a look. Please feel free to message me if you want to discuss further. Happy to trade experiences and insights. We're all in this war together.

 

If that’s truly how you feel then it’s likely they are in fact porn induced and quitting porn will cause them to go away. My only point was that sometimes there are things we are into regardless of whether we see it in porn or not but we are ultimately afraid to admit it to ourselves because we don’t want to accept it deep down. BDSM and femdom was like that for me. And I at one point did feel a lot of shame or insecurity after watching it from porn. It was the same for bisexual stuff for me. But then I worked with a sex counselor on accepting myself and not feeling shame and then when I went and had those experiences in real life I enjoyed them. And I was overall better off mentally for having done that.

So if you really know you’re only into those things from porn then I agree you need to stop the porn and shouldn’t pursue them. But shaming yourself endlessly for enjoying some kinks that are ultimately harmless (I think some you described there are that and some are problematic like necrophilia) isn’t good for your mental state either

 

Well, here's a thing. These submissive feelings started about 10 months ago. I didn't have them or felt them before. I always liked to be dominant. I have a question and respond only if you feel comfortable. Did you always have those types of feelings? I mean, did you knew from a young age that you are into them?

The thing is that I would not have a problem if I would be the dominant one even in a position (fictional) on having sex with a trans woman/man. That's the thing that bothers me. The feeling of weakness. When I forget about this, even for a couple of hours, I feel so much better. I feel confident, happy overall and I like that. That is how I used to be. But when those feelings kick in...I feel so down. I don't really feel shame...I feel...I feel just bad about myself and what position I put myself in. I did it with my own hand. I feel anger. It doesn't feel natural for me.

This loss of dominance is what makes me feel like shit. It's very weird that I never felt like this before. The funny thing is that I know the exact moment when those things started. It was in March, last year, while watching some cartoonish trans porn. The idea and feeling just kicked in my head and since then I feel so...bad. I even tried to accept that I might be bisexual, but it's just...like I would lie to myself. I don't have any emotional attraction to men and the ,,sexual attraction'', if you can even call it like that, is 95% focused on porn. It's weird that my overall attraction to women suddenly decreased by about 40%. It's very weird that all these things happened in a very short time.

 

Did I always have a desire to be submissive? No, I didn’t. But the truth of sexuality and desires is that they are fluid and can change over time and that doesn’t mean it’s always due to what porn you’re watching. It is a tricky chicken or egg scenario to try and discern though.

I suspect the reasons you’re feeling bad about it could be several fold. For one, our society is very much focused on portraying traditional masculinity as the right way to be sexually, and that means that it can be difficult to accept and embrace the idea of a role reversal without feeling like you’re becoming less of a man. Take pegging as an example. There’s nothing actually homosexual about wanting to be pegged, in fact the male prostate can be an amazing source of pleasure, but a lot of guys will associate it with being gay because it’s a complete role reversal on who does the penetration in sex and that’s a vulnerable position to put ones self in.

in terms of whether you’re into guys or not I can’t say at all. It’s definitely possible to just be into things that feel wrong or taboo, it’s a well documented phenomenon when it comes to sex, and that can lead to interests in same sex relations despite not being traditionally attracted to them. There’s even a term for it, which is hetero romantic - you’re emotionally and intimately attracted to members of the opposite sex, but you can find sexual pleasure in being with someone or the same sex too. This is how I’d consider myself. Never had a crush on a guy, never wanted to date one, but I can enjoy the physical company of one (although I still prefer women for that too).

look, I’m not saying you need to embrace these things if they make you feel bad. You should focus on what gives you inner peace. I’m just saying that in my own experience, some negative feelings I’d developed around certain sexual interests ended up coming more from how harshly I judged myself than what they actually were. And it took me literally years to learn to accept them, but when I did I found a lot more peace than I ever did trying to repress them. Only you can know if this fits that or not, but it’s something worth reflecting on.

An interesting thing about people who generally find femdom interesting and aren’t just porn addicted - lots of them are men who are in positions of power and authority in most of their lives, and find the role reversal cathartic and even therapeutic for them. It’s very common if you ever listen to a dominatrix on a podcast for example that most of their clients are high powered executives. I can relate to that. 99% of my life I’m in charge, there’s something satisfying about letting go of all of that and giving the keys to someone else for a short period of time.

 

What needs to be resolved for you in your mind?

 

If thats how you’re finding it helps you then that’s great and probably a sign the tendencies were more porn induced than they were something innate you were repressing about yourself.

 

The same thing with me. The longer I abstain myself from those types of porn and I keep my mind occupied with other things for my anxiety and guilt/shame to subside, the more I feel comfortable and in a good mood. That's the thing that indicates to me that has something to do with porn and these tendencies are not innate to my sexuality. If they were, I would feel better when I tried to accept them and not when I would forget about them. When I just forget about them I feel so good with myself, so free. But when you have OCD...it's like the brain just wants to sabotage you. I don't feel shame for the porn that I watched. Why? Because it's just porn and it's in the past. I feel ashamed that I did this to myself with my own hand and now I don't know how to live normally. Even this shame and guilt goes away when I have those hours when I forget about these things. It's weird.

 

Correct and that makes sense. I had the opposite for some. What allowed me to feel better about myself wasn’t just abstaining from porn, it was experiencing them in real life. that’s how I knew that they weren’t porn induced.

The most important thing is that people understand there is a difference between the two, because otherwise they will continue to attack themselves long after they’ve abstained from porn for something they shouldn’t feel shame or guilt over in the first place.

 

Agree -after doing a lot of 'work' in this area - reading books about unwanted sexual behavior -most of the time 'fantsies' like this are rooted in childhood trauma or childhood neglect- it's 'acting out' -a sexualized version of some trauma.