Suffering wife seeks support as her marriage (and life) gets put back together

As if life couldn't get MORE complicated, we found out last weekend that one of our kitties is diabetic. She's lost half her body weight over the course of a year and now needs insulin shots every twelve hours. Since Garnadaan is out of town for his work conference I've been throwing money at the vet to assist me with giving her shots. Going to the vet twice a day has been quite tiring (and costly, sheesh).

My anxiety has been through the roof these past couple of days - anxious about our kitty, anxious about meeting the oncologist on Thursday, anxious about starting chemotherapy (which should be within the next week or so), anxious (and distrustful) about Garnadaan's being in Vegas. He referred to it as a "trigger minefield" (which I was expecting because c'mon, it's Vegas) but has said that he's yet to actually be triggered during the conference. I'm ashamed to admit it but I don't 100% believe that he's telling me the truth when he says that. As much as I want to be able to trust and believe him it's still difficult for me to take him at his word.

Cripes, there's so much going on in life now that my head is spinning. The song below effectively sums up how I've been feeling lately.

 

Oh, I most definitely do. Garnadaan and I are both big Florence fans. What are some other artists you like?

Thanks for the words of encouragement. Relaxing has indeed been difficult but doable at times. I spent the whole day watching movies on Netflix and capped the evening off with a nice bubble bath. I'm getting more and more comfortable with giving kitty her insulin shots; I get to teach Garnadaan how to do it when he gets home tomorrow (woohoo!).

 

@Garnadaan comes home tomorrow! Woohoo! The past 4 days have dragged and felt like an eternity. Typically when Garnadaan goes off to the annual conference the days fly by to some extent; I think all the stress and anxiety was working against me in this case though. School is usually a reliable distraction but since I withdrew from all of my classes this semester I didn't have that to rely on.

My mind has been running a bit wild lately. Last night I re-read my past journal entries; doing so brought back all the familiar emotions - anxiety, anger, sadness, self-loathing, and guilt. Negative thoughts were quick to come back and boy, they came back with a vengeance. I was really tired last night also, which certainly didn't help things. Ever since the cancer diagnosis any negative thoughts and/or emotions related to our PMO situation have been put on the back burner. Last night was the first real reminder that those feelings are still alive and well, they're just being overshadowed by cancer-related emotions. Blargh.

It's been challenging to stay positive about the breast cancer. I was already feeling pretty weary due to everything going on related to our PMO-related recovery process. Once the diagnosis happened I felt like I had to sort of drop everything and allocate all of my emotional resources toward that. I'm doing my best to be mindful/cognizant of our PMO recovery during all this; I'm predicting that that'll be one of the biggest challenges for me.

 

We met with an oncologist for the first time last Thursday. Hubby and I liked him a lot! Very personable and knowledgeable, with a great bedside manner. He took the time to get to know my husband and I a little bit, which was great. He treated me like a person, not just a patient.

A port (catheter implanted in my chest wall that will be the access point for chemotherapy, future blood work, etc.) is going to be installed tomorrow morning. The oncologist wants me to start chemo within the next couple of weeks; no exact date for that has been scheduled just yet.

In other news, today marks 90 days for @Garnadaan and I. It hasn't been easy but we're both here. I couldn't be happier for him!!!!

 

Yeah, it's been (and still is, who am I kidding?) pretty crazy emotionally speaking. Right now we're both in "all cancer, all the time" mode. Hubby is still focusing on his personal PMO recovery but my personal PMO recovery is kind of on hold right now. Thanks, cancer! <----sarcasm

 

I'm healing nicely from the port placement surgery. It's been kinda nice "recuperating" (i.e. loafing around the house); been watching a lot of movies and doing a lot of video gaming. I go in for a CT scan this week and then I start chemo on the 24th. It's oddly calming having my first chemo date scheduled (finally). I'm not looking forward to losing my hair but I'm going to get my head shaved right before chemo starts. I know that watching it fall out (it typically starts to happen within a week or two of one's first chemo treatment) would be especially traumatic for me. I know that being bald will definitely make me feel like less of a woman than before; porn and advertisements are already doing that. Blargh.

I've been having bad dreams more frequently, namely about Garnadaan and the coworker he was attracted to. The dreams are extremely messed up, the most common one being that he brings her to my funeral and talks about how relieved he is that I'm dead. The dreams are incredibly distressing and frustrating. My subconscious is out to get me, I swear.

I need to take extra good care of me today. I'm definitely going to do more knitting and probably more gaming as well. We just got the new expansion for Destiny; can't wait to pick that game back up! As far as gaming goes, though, it feels like I'm just killing time until Dark Souls 3 comes out.

 

Got some more bad news last Friday...apparently the breast cancer has metastasized (spread) to my lungs, making it Stage 4 (which is incurable). Garnadaan and I are both devastated. I'm trying really hard not to feel like I've been handed a death sentence. My initial treatment plan got scrapped - surgery is off the table now. I'll get to spend the rest of my life (however long it may be) in treatment trying to shrink the tumors and keep them from spreading elsewhere. Symptom management and quality of life are the name of the game from here on out.

I'm trying really hard to stay positive because attitude is everything but I'm not succeeding as well as I'd like to admit. Like many other women before me (and men - yes, men do get breast cancer) I will spend the rest of my days fighting for as long a tomorrow as possible. Funny...you hear the phrase "survivor" bandied about when breast cancer is mentioned; with stage 4 that isn't the case. Stage 4 cancer patients aren't "survivors", we're "fighters". And I will fight like hell, damn it. FUCK CANCER.

I don't know how much more I'm going to be posting here but in case I'm not back for a while...stay strong, my fellow PMO-affected partners. I love you all.

 

@rainingrn, @warriorofthelight70, @TheWife, and @Madwithstars - thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kind words and support. It means a lot.

My previous oncologist put the cart before the horse a bit when throwing out a Stage 4 diagnosis. Not enough tests have been performed to completely assess the cancer and stage it properly. Thankfully, we switched oncologists and are much, much happier with our new oncologist. She's proactive with ordering testing and scans, she's empathetic (previous had no bedside manner whatsoever), and is optimistic. The past two days have been full of blood work and scans; tomorrow I go to the hospital for a lung biopsy to determine whether or not the nodules in my lungs are cancerous. I'm nervous about this procedure; I've never been admitted to a hospital before. After the biopsy I get to stay in the hospital for about 6 hours so they can observe me and ensure that there are no post-op complications.

PMO-wise, Garnadaan is doing well with his reboot streak - 113 days! I'm so, so proud of him. Things have been challenging for me. My emotions and fears are going into overdrive lately - lots of negative thoughts. There's still a trust issue with @Garnadaan and I - the trust, in some aspects, isn't there. Physically speaking, I trust him completely; emotionally speaking, though....no trust at all. It's adding a layer of complexity (and frustration at myself) to all the cancer-related emotional stuff, blargh.

The whole "feeling like less of a woman" thing is the primary thing that I'm still dealing with. I shaved my head a couple of weeks ago; that was pre-stage 4 diagnosis, when I was still on my initial treatment plan of pre-surgery chemo and whatnot. I don't feel anywhere near as pretty/attractive now. I miss my hair

Stay strong, everybody. To my fellow partners affected by PMO: please remember that you are wonderful, you are loved, and you are beautiful just as you are.