God help me

I used to be a good person.
Pornography has owned my life since I was in the eighth grade. I had watched porn here and there since sixth grade, but it didn't own my life back then. Granted, it was still an awful thing, but it wasn't near as bad as it is now. Eighth grade changed everything. Puberty was hitting me harder than ever before, my hormones raged, and I discovered masturbation. And I can without a doubt say that it was the worst mistake I've ever made in my (albeit brief) lifetime. I cannot think of anything that has been more destructive in my life. It has hurt my relationships with and views of women, changed the way I view sex, and worst of all it has severely crippled my relationship with God. Almost every day since then I have watched porn and masturbated at least once. And it has ruined my life.

I have gone three (almost four) years carrying this secret burden. I've never been caught. Nobody knows my secret. Nobody knows. I don't feel as though I can talk to anybody about it. I don't know why. There are so many people I can think of that would love to help me if they knew, but I'm afraid. It sounds stupid, and I can't quite describe it. But I can't share this burden, even though it hurts. It weighs on me. It almost stops becoming pleasure and just turns into part of a routine. It's sad that something so awful has turned into such a major part of my life.

I have gone to such extreme lengths to hide this. I deleted my Internet history after every viewing, kept the images hidden within a folder within folders within folders, etc. I had a semi-elaborate system of when and where I could watch porn and/or masturbate to greatly diminish my chances of being caught. Or at least, I'd like to think it was clever. Still, never did get caught.

I don't know how many times I've tried to quit. At least a dozen or so. Usually I don't get further than a few days or a week until I fall back into the trap and become consumed by despair once more.

I want this time to be different.

Once more, I am trying to break free of my chains. I will no longer be weighed down and imprisoned by my lust. I want to change. I need to change.

I tried nofap in January and almost lasted a full month. After that, I relapsed. I tried again, lasted 17 days, then relapsed. And now it's worse than ever. I need prayer. I need encouragement. I need to change.

I'm am a Senior in high school. I am considered a leader in my school. There will be people looking up to me. I don't want to be like this anymore, but it is so hard. If anyone could offer me encouragement, tips, advice, Bible verses, anything would help at this point.

I'm not being entirely honest, though. I'm not doing this for the right reasons. I should want to do this because God wants me to. Instead, I'm doing it for my own self-benefit. I'm praying that God will change my heart so that I will be doing this for Him instead. Please keep this in your prayers as well.

God help me.

 

Note: My signature says I haven't PMO'd in over a hundred days, but that isn't true. I'm trying to figure out how to correct this.