Hi everyone.. ive been watching porn for many years now, maybe 15... in the last 8 I got into TS and gay porn. I've been fapping and watching the shit out of it. I downloaded Grindr and exchanged nudes with TS and guys, until the point of either spasms because of adrenaline or fapping. I nearly booked an appointment with a TS... I didn't because of money, because they didn't answer back or because I fapped and got demotivated to. My HOCD is up to the fucking sky. I'm living in my mind and not appreciating life in the real world... After entering an awesome relationship (with my current gf), I realised I had many toxic behaviours (that I'm trying to get rid off)... one of them is porn and masturbation. I have come to realise that sexual energy is some of the strongest we can experience and beacause of that porn addiction can be one of the hardest addictions to get rid off. I'm so confused.... I got an awesome GF... I was coming out of an abusive smash-buddy relationship (with a girl from my uni, always been into girls btw) and developped obsessive behaviours because of it. My porn use has become intense... Since january I have been off PM, opccasionally having sex with my GF.... the last month got really tough because of different schedules and we did not get to meet that often, so my O has been really absent. As of today I'm still off porn and masturbation, but the urges to watch T porn are so strong... I live in a street known for prostitution and there are some TS prostitutes working here... I got to peek a bit last night and got aroused.. It distracted me from my work today and I wish I never looked.... wtfff.... ? I'm so mad but still I'm so confused and aroused and wtf is going on.... I look at girls and the first thought is that they might be TS... wtf... I feel I'm disrespecting them by thinking this too... not to talk about my girlfriend that has to live through this knowing just the main details of my addiction (porn use, strong masturbation sessions, looking for escorts)... I love girls and girl characteristics... but somehow my brain wants me to imagine them having TS features? I've been taking sessions with a therapist for different things, but this one is so strong and hard to work with....
I feel I'm not going anywhere... I read into dopamine rushes and how chemicals work with our brains and how our brain demands for it... sometimes it feels like the universe is making a mock out of me by sabotaging my healing by throwing sexual images in my mind, as well as randomly having trans-prostitutes making appeareance like NPC characters.. goddamn im so fucking drained
Great work finding your way here and making moves to a different life. The urges are really powerful and I think that one way of looking at it is working to turn the volume down on them so that their impact is diminished rather than hoping they will diassapear. Hopefully they will fade after a time but only if they are not focused on. What I mean is, that everytime you get an urge and redirect to something else the urge dismisses in strength by a tiny amount but every time you let it hook you in it gains a little bit. Over time, the little bits add up in either direction.
thank you very much for your answer... I took away the dried clothes from the hanger and will soon go and take a shower and go to bed (Europe time zone).. my cat is keeping me company and helps me realise that life is not in my head... again thank you
No PM since January - what a great job! I haven’t done that since February and that is also a long time, in my point of view. If it is something I have learned (who has had gay porn - but not so much TS - problems since over twenty years) is that it isn’t easy to get rid of. I have now been free from PM since 128 days, but the thoughts and fantasies, urges and cravings are still there. It will take time, but obviously it is possible, because I have lots less cravings now than I used to have. Keep up the good work!
