How did it come to this?

Retrograde09 · Jun 22, 2022

Hi,

I’m Starting a thread because things have got so bad in my life recently that I needed to reach out to someone/somewhere and lay the various thoughts in my head out there.

I’ve been in a really committed relationship since a teenager and married for nearly five years. Over the past decade, porn addiction and masturbation have been a really significant problem and I’ve been through peaks and troughs trying to fix it.

Things have been tough in my relationship for a while now but I’m really worried that, this time, I’ve lost it. I’m worried that I’ve pushed it way too far.

We have a wonderful life apart from this one thing, and it’s an absolute cancer eating up all the love, energy and time in our relationship. I can’t get over the embarrassment of trying to have sex so many time and it going wrong, and it means that me and my wife effectively aren’t intimate.

I could go on about this for a LONG post, but please can someone tell me that they know of someone pulling a relationship back when all seems lost?

MarioCorrelos · Jun 22, 2022

What use is that someone comes here and tells you that it is possible or not to turn it around? The question here is, are you working towards stopping what causes all this?

Bob_the_Rebuilder · Jun 22, 2022

Retrograde09 said: ↑

Hi,

I’m Starting a thread because things have got so bad in my life recently that I needed to reach out to someone/somewhere and lay the various thoughts in my head out there.

I’ve been in a really committed relationship since a teenager and married for nearly five years. Over the past decade, porn addiction and masturbation have been a really significant problem and I’ve been through peaks and troughs trying to fix it.

Things have been tough in my relationship for a while now but I’m really worried that, this time, I’ve lost it. I’m worried that I’ve pushed it way too far.

We have a wonderful life apart from this one thing, and it’s an absolute cancer eating up all the love, energy and time in our relationship. I can’t get over the embarrassment of trying to have sex so many time and it going wrong, and it means that me and my wife effectively aren’t intimate.

I could go on about this for a LONG post, but please can someone tell me that they know of someone pulling a relationship back when all seems lost?
Click to expand...

Honestly, I think that 99% of the forum users are here because they recognize there is a problem in their life or in their relationship. You don't have to look very far to see the desperate situations many are in. Some are able to successfully make progress, and others are not. I think the key question is this- what are you doing about it?

Working on recovery and fixing your relationships (which are intertwined) will take dedication, hard work and understanding. There are many examples here you can follow. I would suggest starting a journal, reading other journals, and figuring out what your recipe for success looks like. Good luck!

Retrograde09 · Jun 23, 2022

Bob_the_Rebuilder said: ↑

Honestly, I think that 99% of the forum users are here because they recognize there is a problem in their life or in their relationship. You don't have to look very far to see the desperate situations many are in. Some are able to successfully make progress, and others are not. I think the key question is this- what are you doing about it?

Working on recovery and fixing your relationships (which are intertwined) will take dedication, hard work and understanding. There are many examples here you can follow. I would suggest starting a journal, reading other journals, and figuring out what your recipe for success looks like. Good luck!
Click to expand...

Thanks very much for this! Good advice

Retrograde09 · Jun 27, 2022

Mugin said: ↑

I get so wound up when people ask for help and guidance and all someone can come up with are vague statements like: "Start a journal", or "read other peoples journals". Like that's going to solve all your problems. Seriously?

Maybe you should focus more on just being 'Intimate' and focus on healing the obvious issues that need to be addressed, instead being concerned about the comparatively superficial issues around 'sexual intimacy' you're referring to?

Maybe your relationship could do with focusing on 'hanging out' more together like good/best mates do. Intimacy doesn't have to be bed bound. It can happen by simply sharing intimate moments outside of sex.

It sounds like your relationship has come to a point where you're going to need to be brutally honest with yourself and do the seriously difficult and extremely courageous thing - talk to her and/or a marriage counselor about your problem behaviour and the role it has played in your demise?

PMO is a brutally selfish force which steals peoples lives. Sapping them of love and all things nice, and it can become so all consuming that we literally forget how to do things, and that's when we start to develop seemingly 'unrelated' problems, and loose confidence in areas of our lives we used to have no problems with at all. And where we did have problems, well, it just makes those even worse than before.

I know this is easier said than done and maybe you're already doing it, but if not, why not start reinvesting that wasted time spent on porn by dedicating 'X' amount of that pmo time for rebuilding your relationship in well thought out and considered ways, because I know from my experience that when ever I've been a failure in bed, it's always because of underlying issues I've chosen to ignore for way too long. And all it's done is opened the door for more issues to be answered further down the line. It's the start of greater complications to come.

So why not start investing in the both of you in other more rewarding ways, and allow the sexual intimacy to take a back seat for a little, because I'm sure her concerns are just about sex.

Share more intimate meal nights where you cook together and drink her favourite wine; sit down together when you both get home and sharing the highs and lows of your days with genuine heartfelt interest. Be authentic and listen deeply to what someone has to say without judgement, and without needing to be heard yourself.

Being intimate is feeling comfortable enough with someone that you can allow them to be their true self which invites them to feel comfortable enough to open up and be profoundly honest with you and vice versa. Seriously, is your relationship invested enough that you can be open with your partner with anything, or not? If not, then maybe you need to start tending to that part of your garden of Eden.

If you've been acting out so much that all your time has been put into porn and unhelpful fantasies, then clearly you need to reverse the flow and start putting more of that time back in where it belongs. I know making that physical space can seem nigh on impossible at times, but you can do it. You can make it happen. And when you do, be sure to claim those victories by etching them in your memory as they are hard earned proof that you can do it again the next time and the next time after that.

I was at an SAA meeting once and this guy ended up being open about his obsession to sleep with transgender men to not just his wife, but both their extended families. I couldn't believe his courage. Nor could I believe her unwavering support which ultimately resulted in him gaining full sexual self-control over urges and fanatsies. Now, I'm not saying that your wife will be the same, who knows, but maybe you need to start looking at finding the courage to create the intimate space that will allow you to confide in her like the guy at SAA did with his wife?

I really feel for your situation because it's not an easy one. Many people only have themselves to face when overcoming this often hellish nightmare, but you've got a loving partner to open up to too and you just don't know, maybe she'll be the force majeure you need to change?

If you would like to discuss things more then feel free to DM me. Always up for it!

You've got this!
Click to expand...

Thanks so much for all of this, it’s really useful advice. I think your idea of substituting time is really helpful. I’m trying to do this by visiting this website any time that my mind is tempted to wander, and I think the next step is then starting to put more time into positive, constructive stuff around my relationship and other things, too.
Really appreciate your support!

LightOfHope · Jun 28, 2022

Mugin said: ↑

I get so wound up when people ask for help and guidance and all someone can come up with are vague statements like: "Start a journal", or "read other peoples journals". Like that's going to solve all your problems. Seriously?

Maybe you should focus more on just being 'Intimate' and focus on healing the obvious issues that need to be addressed, instead being concerned about the comparatively superficial issues around 'sexual intimacy' you're referring to?

Maybe your relationship could do with focusing on 'hanging out' more together like good/best mates do. Intimacy doesn't have to be bed bound. It can happen by simply sharing intimate moments outside of sex.

It sounds like your relationship has come to a point where you're going to need to be brutally honest with yourself and do the seriously difficult and extremely courageous thing - talk to her and/or a marriage counselor about your problem behaviour and the role it has played in your demise?

PMO is a brutally selfish force which steals peoples lives. Sapping them of love and all things nice, and it can become so all consuming that we literally forget how to do things, and that's when we start to develop seemingly 'unrelated' problems, and loose confidence in areas of our lives we used to have no problems with at all. And where we did have problems, well, it just makes those even worse than before.

I know this is easier said than done and maybe you're already doing it, but if not, why not start reinvesting that wasted time spent on porn by dedicating 'X' amount of that pmo time for rebuilding your relationship in well thought out and considered ways, because I know from my experience that when ever I've been a failure in bed, it's always because of underlying issues I've chosen to ignore for way too long. And all it's done is opened the door for more issues to be answered further down the line. It's the start of greater complications to come.

So why not start investing in the both of you in other more rewarding ways, and allow the sexual intimacy to take a back seat for a little, because I'm sure her concerns are just about sex.

Share more intimate meal nights where you cook together and drink her favourite wine; sit down together when you both get home and sharing the highs and lows of your days with genuine heartfelt interest. Be authentic and listen deeply to what someone has to say without judgement, and without needing to be heard yourself.

Being intimate is feeling comfortable enough with someone that you can allow them to be their true self which invites them to feel comfortable enough to open up and be profoundly honest with you and vice versa. Seriously, is your relationship invested enough that you can be open with your partner with anything, or not? If not, then maybe you need to start tending to that part of your garden of Eden.

If you've been acting out so much that all your time has been put into porn and unhelpful fantasies, then clearly you need to reverse the flow and start putting more of that time back in where it belongs. I know making that physical space can seem nigh on impossible at times, but you can do it. You can make it happen. And when you do, be sure to claim those victories by etching them in your memory as they are hard earned proof that you can do it again the next time and the next time after that.

I was at an SAA meeting once and this guy ended up being open about his obsession to sleep with transgender men to not just his wife, but both their extended families. I couldn't believe his courage. Nor could I believe her unwavering support which ultimately resulted in him gaining full sexual self-control over urges and fanatsies. Now, I'm not saying that your wife will be the same, who knows, but maybe you need to start looking at finding the courage to create the intimate space that will allow you to confide in her like the guy at SAA did with his wife?

I really feel for your situation because it's not an easy one. Many people only have themselves to face when overcoming this often hellish nightmare, but you've got a loving partner to open up to too and you just don't know, maybe she'll be the force majeure you need to change?

If you would like to discuss things more then feel free to DM me. Always up for it!

You've got this!
Click to expand...

Very wonderful, thank you for your input

Bob_the_Rebuilder · Jun 28, 2022

Mugin said: ↑

I get so wound up when people ask for help and guidance and all someone can come up with are vague statements like: "Start a journal", or "read other peoples journals". Like that's going to solve all your problems. Seriously?
Click to expand...

After 35 years of addiction, and 10 years of failure in recovery, creating a journal and contributing to others has made a huge difference in my recovery. That is my reality- are you trying to deny it?

I have added all the important milestones in my recovery, and the steps that led up to it in my journal. It's there for anyone to read. I've gained immense value from reading other journals which is why I recommend it.

It would have been just as easy for you to make your other comments (which were helpful) without starting by attacking others who are genuinely making an effort to help.

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