The Modern Dating Landscape

Yeah I feel where you're coming from.

I think taking breaks from dating is healthy. Why not focus on other aspects of our lives and come back 10% better in a few months. Sounds like a good strategy.

Do you try certain activities or areas to meet women to match your demographic?

If I find a girl a bit younger than me, who's not addicted to her phone and seems kind, she's usually taken. Can be tough but I'm sure they're out there!

 

I would try deleting all social media and dating apps, the whole thing is toxic. Give yourself a break from it all, dating included and see where it takes you. Social media and dating apps are the cause of people having the attention span of a goldfish because it is all so fast, swipe, swipe, swipe, click, click, click. Also even if you do get to meet someone from one of these things it is a bit like picking up someone off the street. Things are being done all the wrong way round. Meeting someone for whatever reason should be seeing them first, making eye contact, speaking, getting to know a bit about each other. Not just swiping at pics and profiles. I agree totally with what you are saying. Whatever you do good luck

 

I have experienced exactly what you say for 2 years. It's interesting but your speech is for me too much in the negative. Here's what I think based on my own experience :

Everything is your responsibility. If you meet women like you describe, it's because you yourself have to free yourself from certain insecurities, to feel better about yourself. The quality of your relationships is a reflection of the relationship you have with yourself. That's where I agree with you. Focusing on yourself, taking care of yourself, is an option to improve your relationship with yourself. If you know how to live alone, without dependency, you will know how to live with others.
When I was insecure and had low self-esteem, I only met toxic people. Toxic, unsympathetic women. I went through a lot of phases where I blamed women. But the hard truth that hurts: I was the problem.
A situation can be changed if you put your mind to it. That's what I did and it worked. I approach women on the street, and it works now. Before, it didn't work. I changed some things and yes, it took some work. Relationships are ... an activity. like sports or music. You have to spend time working out the kinks.

Waiting for relationships to come to you is the best way to end up with the first woman who is interested in you. And not to really choose and grow in your love life.
If women have more choices, it's mainly because they are much better at social dynamics than we are. They are more emotional, feel things more and are often more sociable. That's the main reason, they are better at socializing than we are. That's why it's important to work on that area and accept that like in any other area, if you suck, you're going to have to work to change.

Plus, if you wait, if you don't give anything, women have no reason to give you anything. You have to give, being prepared to expect nothing in return, even getting rejected, so that one day you will receive what you have given. Whether it's a relationship, a profound change in yourself, or both. And yes, these results take time. They can take years. I know a guy who approached women for 3 years without any results. And today he's happier and freer than ever.

This is my opinion after approaching thousands of women, and working on myself every day, for 5 years. This feeling of anger towards women is legitimate. But

- You meet women who are like you. If you have too many insecurities you will meet toxic women.
- Dating is like any other activity. If you don't practice, you won't have anything and you won't understand anything about your relationship with others (and yourself)
- No one will come to save you

I won't tell you how many dates I failed. That thing where you send a message to the girl saying "it was really nice, let's do it again another day", and no answer, I lived it dozens of times. But I never gave up. Yes, I've had moments where I've resented women for having so many choices. But I was dependent to what others might think of me, afraid of losing every woman I met. I didn't know how to live alone and I didn't take care of myself. And those were the facts. I was the problem.

I don't wanna give solutions in this post, that's not the point. The goal is not to become a god of relationships and social dynamics. Everything must be nuanced. In the end you are who you are. There are certain things you have to accept about yourself. But there are other things you can and must change if you want to improve your relationships with women.
But it will never be the women's fault. Because you get what you give. If you don't receive anything, it's because you don't give anything. Maybe because you're not ready to give. Giving involves feeling really good about yourself. When you feel bad you tend to take from others, and expect from others

 

A friend of mine a few months ago told me how tired she was of meeting only toxic guys. Narcissists. She told me guys, it's over, I'm done. I told her exactly the same thing. You don't take yourself into consideration, how can you expect to meet someone healthy. She yelled at me afterwards lol.

Women are just like us. If they have too many insecurities, it doesn't work in their relationships.

6 months later she was going to the gym, eating healthy and going out to meet people every weekend with me. And today she has a boyfriend. She is fulfilled in her relationships

 

Now this is a nice story, don't read many of them on here. Good luck to her and the boyfriend

 

I never said it was your fault. But it is your responsibility.
Fault is associated with shame, guilt.
Responsibility is associated with taking charge and changing your life. It is much more positive

You are not going to change the world. Even if what you say were true (everyone has different realities so I doubt it's true. For example I don't see the same thing as you at all), you can't do anything about it.

But you can change yourself. That's all you can do
Btw, A woman doesn't ghost you because she is deeply mean. She ghosts you because you are not ready to date. You can't have unreal expectations of women. They don't owe you anything. And if you feel such negative emotions, it is not because of the modern world, or this girl, it is because of your conditioning.

Everything is your responsibility, and that's good because it means you can change everything. The relationship you have with yourself, with others, your self-confidence, insecurities, social anxiety...
The way you see the modern world too. The modern world is not seen in the same way by everyone

 

I’m over it all too. It’s all a constant loop of the same old BS. I’m focusing on myself. It’s the best thing to do.

 

Well, I do think it’s possible to find a girlfriend…

however, if you can completely quit PMO and all sexual fantasizing in your mind, and find true enjoyment in day to day life without any romantic attention from women at all… then I think this is a win-win scenario.

You are not doing PMO or MO, so you are not ejaculating, therefore not losing energy, therefore smaller things become more beautiful, such as watching a bird flying in the sky. And you can also have better workouts and overall better mental health

and then when you are feeling this good, and most importantly, not fantasizing about women, then everything is at peace (assuming there is no natural disasters or living in a war zone)

from this point, maybe you can talk to a woman, and not care about the result. But I think completely ending PMO AND fantasizing about women, sex, and relationships is a prerequisite… at least for me

I think the exact mathematical formula is this: be happy without having an ejaculation for the rest of your life. From this basic formula, everything can grow well. That’s at least my thoughts right now

 

No PMO has you revert to being what you should be. Yourself at full power and at peace, not being lured by fake dopamine hits. You have the benefit of having testosterone but also the simplicity of when you were a kid, meaning indulging in the things you used to love doing. Be it sport, gaming or whatever you did before porn stole your mind. I think real love is out there but it’s rare. But we have to be ready for it when it comes, and that means no PMO. Get your mind and body right first.

 

I think the few comments above are on point. There's something about being at peace with it all. There's plenty of women out there, you don't need sex, and without all the modern easy dopamine distractions, life can be sweet.

Recently I gave up online dating, video games, and only use YouTube for interviews and music (no music videos). Basically taking away what in my case would be my typical 'easy dopamine' activities. Adding this to NoFap, daily exercise, and trying to be productive, only now the simple things are starting to feel good...

I would imagine when we have a certain level of security, achievement, and joy from the simple things, then maybe it becomes a lot easier to simply take more chances with the women around us?

 

Hi, i have to ask a question though because I live in a large city where, when it comes to approaching, the women can be quite mean, and are likely to just ignore and walk away -- i can't deal with that. Plus, when you're on the road or street, it's so busy that i find it intimidating to try to stop someone in the middle of the road to start a conversation..
So how exactly is the right way to do it? Do you stop them while they are walking, or do you go over to them if they stopped to maybe get a drink from a shop?
I'm currently 36, and honestly i have had some luck with a few women in this life; but up till now, i believe I'm still afraid of women's rejection. I have never had the gut to approach a very attractive woman if she was walking on the same road with me alongside other people -- i feel like i lack the charisma to pull of a natural conversation that forces her to pay attention, not to mention i don't know what to say as an opener. If the lady is average looking, i can even make a bold attempt, but not an attractive woman. I don't consider myself to be that attractive either, even though some of those women (and one guy in particular) have actually said i was really cute, but my subconscious doesn't register this cuteness. I wonder if it has to do with the trauma from my teenage years.
Apart from the occasional flings i do get (one from social media, others are work colleague, or just some random average looking girl i happen to stumble on, somehow, somewhere), and a few unfulfilling relationships that usually don't exceed a few weeks, i have been pretty much lonely all my life, even now.
Also, i have little going for me, so i think it has to do with the fact that i used my youthful days to chase after dopamine via over fantasizing about sex, porn and masturbation.
I'm currently on my 37 days of hard mode today and I'm trying to take my life more seriously now. I'm also trying to get married, which is hard because of the reasons above -- meeting an attractive woman and making her fall in love seems like something I would never be able to do in my life. All the women i have been with always end up hating me. Just a day ago, a thought suddenly came into my mind along the lines of: "i have a repellent personality." Because people don't warm up to me.
I'm really trying not to be resentful toward women at this point but it's hard not to. And let me even mention that in my part of the world, because of poverty, hardship, inflation and high cost of living, it's incredibly hard to find one woman who doesn't need your money, especially if she is attractive. They won't say it to your face, of course, but it's all part of their criteria. I have met some women who seem to like me bcos I'm relatively intelligent (and maybe cute, who knows?), yet they said no when i asked for a relationship(i recall one woman at least). Most attractive women here just want to do "hook up." If you have the money, you negotiate and have sex and pay them. That's the end.
I'm really in a fix right now. I want a woman so bad but it's hard for me to just meet one woman who loves me for me. And let me also mention that i don't particularly socialize that much, the women i meet are on the busy road, while I'm trekking down to and from my work.

 

Hey Reborn, at almost 6 months PMO-free, I definitely will say that I can see myself taking more chances with women around me. But establishing that inner security, achievement and joy you mentioned is of utter importance and priority. You must do this. This will always be there for you whether or not you succeed with women. It'll be a good place to (re)turn to should any (probably inevitable) rejection occur. But I do think rejection will occur significantly less than were you not to establish that inner success.

 

Appreciate this. It reminds me of some dating advice I heard, "don't improve your pitch, improve your offer." I know that is a bit cringe being marketing talk, but essentially everything should go smoother the more we improve our base lifestyle.

I'm in a rut now, can feel attention from women occasionally but I don't act. Right now feels like my purpose is simply finding my purpose. However I can feel the potential to be there maybe a few months from now!

 

Hi,
reaching to you guys from a different planet, from a perspective of a guy who hardly ever date.
Isn't it what you want to avoid? Changing your "offer" for someone(even if it's not particular person it's still someone)? What's actual offer? Isn't it what defines you, as a person?
I understand part of trying to better understand the other person and improve the part of where we chase for someone and how we do it, since some woman like to be chased but if we're talking about offer isn't it, in the thread of dating, something that you fit in instead of flex in order to fit in?
Maybe I'm missing the point?
If you do things you don't feel comfortable with or you just don't feel like you want to do, the person you want to attract will fall in love with someone you actually are not and may cause issues the longer relationship goes.
If you're not OK with your current life then for sure it's going to reflect in short or longterm since you'll have no confidence & self-esteem since your life sucks. Is it the case?

 

Dude I have been approaching women for 5 years. I started out I got rejected dozens of times, it took me months to sleep with a woman.

You don't dare to start because you have all your beliefs that prevent you from doing it. But deep down you know that these are just excuses. That another guy won't have the same vision as you and will take action.

You don't have to be perfect to meet women. You can be rejected, be weird, be ridiculed in front of everyone (which can happen, I agree), the worst that can happen is that you learn. And you will realize that you have just done something you never thought you could do.

You need mental strength. But mental strength is not acquired by reading books. You get it by taking action. By failing, and starting over. That's living your life

 

Feels weird to quote my own post but fuck it.

Another thought came to my mind. I imagine "relationship marketplace", no idea how to name it, is a place where you come to market, girls are on the market shelfs. You are a TETRIS block which fit only to a specific type of other woman TETRIS block. You can work on your TETRIS block(your personality, the way you behave, your self esteem) polishing it, giving it some shine, brighter colour, maybe sharpening it a bit to fit even better to the other block but in the end it's the type of block that defines if it's going to be longterm or not.

By changing your offer I imagine trying to changing your type of TETRIS block which defines you. I hope I didn't go too far into clouds to make you guys understand what I mean . But this is of course theory and you probably are on a different level, is it the better one though?

Cheers.

 

Actually what I said was a bit ambiguous reading it back...

So, offer and pitch. Many guys will concentrate on the words or techniques when interacting with women, they want to improve their 'pitch'. However, what I think many will find, is that a few months of self-improvement can really change who we are as a person, our 'offer' if you like.

People always say "just be yourself." This can be misleading, because it can be read as "don't improve". But we all need to improve, all the time, (usually just in small ways, but for us leaving an addiction it may be in greater ways at first.)

Being ourselves 'our offer' 6 months from now, 1 year from now, will be better than today with some work.

Lastly, the pitch is never easy, but it is more natural if we have an improved offer, or in other words if we're happier with who we are than we used to be.

Hope this helps clear it up. I like your Tetris idea, because a lot of long-term relationships need common values for people to click together and fit.

And yes, it's all theory at the end of the day though. Like @Spirituss says, you can get out there and learn quicker by trying small interactions.

 

Very interesting post.

I agree, most guys operate in terms of technique. But the real progression is to have relationships because of who you are, not because of techniques.

That's where it's very unclear because we often hear the advice: be yourself. For someone who is full of insecurities, afraid of losing every woman he meets, who is shy and doesn't dare to show his interest, this advice won't help him. Because he is like that, so he will stay that way if he follows this advice.

If I have to summarize my progress from an internal perspective today, it's pretty clear. I just stepped up the personality traits that appeal to women. I lacked intention so I developed that trait. I became more empathetic, caring, courageous. I lowered my ego because I wasn't humble. I learned to be interested in women in an honest way

Then I removed some of my insecurities like the fear of abandonment that came from my childhood. I had a void in me that told me that if I had women and received attention I would feel a little less bad. I filled that void by taking care of myself, not by having women.

In fact I already had all these traits, but they were not developed. Some were more developed than others. But for example, I was sorely lacking in intention with women. It was impossible to express my interest, to express my limits or to say to a woman in the middle of a date "let's go watch a movie at my place, what do you say?

when you've developed all that and you can have relationships, You feel free and there: the advice be yourself makes sense. Because you can be you, it works. You don't feel bad anymore. You are happy and others are happy.