Why I joined

This is a bit difficult for me to write as I had never publicly spoken about this issue. Ever since I was 9 years old I have been addicted to porn, and when I first saw porn it was by accident not curiosity or peer-pressure.

When I first saw porn it was on step-dad’s phone which was left unlocked, I was highly confused as I had never seen such a thing before. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, it was something out of my existence and it had shattered my end. Just I had seen it, my body started to feel different and I clicked on the first video I saw.

After all those year I have been addicted non-stop to porn and masterbation, and I was recently caught by mom when I was about 11 years old. I had my first phone when I was 10 years old and have been using it as a source of porn, But one thing I never did was clear my history or used private mode, I would just X out the search results. One afternoon, my mom asked to see my phone and she must have went to the browser to search something. Her face dropped, and she confronted me. I was terrified and didn’t know what to do so I started making up lies and excuses, but she wasn’t having any of it. She said some really hurtful things such as how she was disappointed in me and how I wasn’t her son anymore. That day really broke me and I began even feeling more guilty and disgusted myself. That was the day my thoughts of suicide began. I was highly depressed but would fake it around others. My mom told my stepdad and he took me to his bedroom to talk with me, but he never did. He just sat there with the hanger on one hand and my phone on the other. I just sat there sobbing till my tears ran out.

A few years later, my mom divorced my stepdad and it was a nasty divorce. My stepdad was very abusive to the point I was had to stay with my dad’s relative. But things were even worse there as my aunts were highly manipulative about my mom, it got so bad to the point I attempted my third suicide, this time with pills. It never worked and my mom ended up taking me back.

Things began to feel normal after that but they weren’t, I was still a porn addicted and couldn’t last a week without porn. I try to force myself to quit but I couldn’t. Porn was a stress reliever for me, it helped me escape my problems. But I know it couldn’t keep going that way, one day I went up to my mom and jokingly told her I needed therapy. Before I was about to say Just kidding, she began lecturing me about how stupid my jokes, and how I don’t need therapy because I good of a life we had. That’s when I knew I couldn’t keep lying and told her my problem. Expect I didn’t tell her about my porn addiction but instead I told her about how I was sexually assaulted as a child.

You see, I didn’t even know I was sexually assaulted as a child until I was 16 years old, whenever I faced traumatic things in my life, my brian would recite to a memory of me, as a child engaging with sexual activities with a grown women. I always thought it was a fantasy of mine or a dream, but after a few years of the same memory I started realizing that it wasn’t some dream or fantasy because it always felt so real. To confirm it was true I asked my mom about my childhood, if I had any babysitters on nanny, and she told that she didn’t but she did have maids who would take of me when she left for work. That was the first moment of realization for me, the second time was when my mom was throwing away some old pictures(it was because my step dad was in them). I noticed a women who looked so familiar in the picture with the background of my parents wedding. She looked the same as the women in my memory, I wish I could have kept the picture to show my Mom.

Back to telling my mom, after I told my mom, the first thing she said was who was it? I told her I believe it was one of the maid and she began to sigh with a bit of relief. She replied by saying atleast it wasn’t a man, and started talking about how she had a childhood experience of an uncle who almost assaulted her. And she just kept on talking about the dangers if it was a man and how he would have given me a STD and blah blah. That’s when my heart shattered, as I realized how even my own mom barely understood me. Look I love my mom, she sacrificed everything for my well being. But my mom isn’t the best person to talk to about traumatic things, she always has the I have had it worse than you mindset.

Now here I am as 18 years old with the same porn addiction, I just wish I could stop. Just writing this felt like a weight have been lifted of my shoulder. I have never told anyone this before, and the closest person I have tried to talk out to was my mom but as you can see things haven’t worked out. I don’t know what to do anymore, but still will keep on going to quit porn no mater what.

 

Thank you so much, I really appreciate the response. I will try the journal feature.