Warning that this post may contain triggering language. Yesterday morning, while I was working from home and my wife was at work, I checked into my favorite chatroom and met up with a person I "see" there sometimes. I kept telling myself to "log off, log off you idiot", but I stayed. It didn't take long and my camera was on and I was masturbating, listening to the comments and instructions. Listening to derogatory things being said about my wife. I was so angry at myself afterward. I let myself down. I betrayed and let my wife down. This behavior is really cheating on her - I see that, but traded that for moments of fleeting pleasure. What the fuck Henry - what are you doing? Where does the memory of the self-disgust and self-loathing go? I need to hang on to that and use that. I started to ask myself questions yesterday afternoon. Do you love my cock more than your wife? What things are most important in my life - momentary sexual pleasure or love? Is this who I really am / Is this a permanent part of me? I rationalize that this behavior is just who I am - me underlying personality. That is crap! If so, then why hide it from the people I care about and the world? Then I went back to the action items I set for myself the other day: Figure out my WHY. What is the true deep-down reason I engage in this destructive behavior. Develop a deflection mechanism to put off the sudden overwhelming urges I get at times to engage in this destructive behavior. After some lengthy consideration over a 3-hour drive, this is what I came up with. Figure out my WHY. What is the true deep-down reason I engage in this destructive behavior. I engage in this destructive behavior out of two overriding traits, I am selfish, and I seek validation because of low self-confidence. I realize that I am selfish - I want what I want, regardless of the cost to others. This type of behavior ignores others in my life, like my wife and family, and friends. I want to feel the pleasure this brings, and I will have it regardless of the effect or consequences for others, or my relationship with them. I put what I want, or feel I deserve, ahead of others. This is most apparent in this behavior, but also shows up in regular ordinary life activities. I never thought of myself as being selfish, but upon reflection, I can see that I am. I need to use this self-awareness to monitor my selfishness and moderate that to care more about the needs of others. I do seek validation in all aspects of my life, stemming from low self-esteem and self-confidence. In real life, I often joke about how good I am at things, but that is a mask for my low self-confidence. This need for validation and support is visible in my personal and profession use of social media. I post personal things on Facebook and work-related things on LinkedIn. I crave "likes" and positive comments. Everyone does, but I mean beyond that. After a LinkedIn post, I continuously check back in to see the number of viewers and to count up the likes and positive feedback. I live off of it. I admit I create more posts than professionally necessary in order to feed that need. I have seen the same behavior here. After I create a post here, I check back and am deeply disappointed if there are no likes or comments. I seek that connection and validation. And the same is true in my destructive behavior: I show pictures of my wife and talk about her with other men in chatrooms. It arouses me to the point of masturbation to hear that they think she is sexy and when they tell me what they want to do with her. I get "cred" and validation for being able to score a hot wife and one that is sexually voracious. I get aroused over non-nude pictures and chatting about young ladies, teens, and teens, I think in part reliving my younger days when girls like that were appropriate for my own age. Girls similar in appearance to ones I actually dated, validating my prowess as a boy and reliving that glory. Again, seeking reassurance from others. It also excites me to talk about this issue with other perverts, reveling in the fact that I am not alone - I share this problem with them. Since I am not alone, there must not be anything wrong with it - more validation seeking behavior. I masturbate on camera for others to see, in part because of insecurity over my penis. I have what I consider to be a small penis, 3 in. soft, but it grows to 6.5 in. when hard. I want others to see how big it is, and get so aroused hearing others tell me it looks great. My issues with penis size go back to school days and ridicule in the locker room. I crave that others lust over me and my manhood. Again, stemming from insecurity and a need for validation. I think that the identification of these two factors, my selfishness, and my insecurity and need for validation is a major breakthrough. By identifying these issues, I can work on them, attack them, reconcile them. Maybe there was some good to come out of yesterday's fall. My first instinct is to look for what others think about this. Again, craving validation and support through connection. In all seriousness and in the spirit of getting past this, I do sincerely welcome any and all feedback here or through a PM. Thanks for listening (reading I guess).
Damn, I needed to read what you said about wanting people to lust over you and comment on your dick and all that. I identify with that, but I’ve never been able to put my figure on it. I have exhibitionist tendencies and show off for validation and to feel “wanted”. It makes me feel sick to be so identified with my genitalia, and getting off on comments about it and how females find it attractive, big, better, whatever. I find myself often questing for that experience, and it puts me in a really shitty headspace, doing things I later regret. thanks for posting that. You never know how you may help others with an honest share - and this is an example of that.
To be able to quit, you have to have a why. That’s your starting point. Now move through the other questions: What are you going to do to stay clean? Blockers, filters, strategies, etc. Start researching what you can do, and actually start doing it! When are you the most vulnerable? What can you put in place to prevent yourself from relapsing? Who is going to hold you accountable? The forums are a good place, and joining the support calls have been incredibly helpful for me. But you should talk to someone close to you, perhaps your wife. You don’t have to reveal everything for her to know you need support quitting porn. Where are you most likely to relapse? Keep yourself from this place. Maybe that means moving your work space. Maybe that means no phone near you in bed. How will you define success? This is a long process, and difficult. Success looks different for everyone at different times in their recovery. You deserve better than this, and your wife certainly does. You can get control of this. You will feel liberation when you do. Good Luck!
I am glad that my post was in some way helpful to you @practice_squad_superstar. That craving for validation - to be desired can take you to bad places. Every time I get stuck there, I regret my destructive behavior. Now that I think I have a clue as to my Why, I am hoping I can take some action.
Thank you for your insight and comments - they are very helpful. You are correct - the work is only beginning. I have answers for some of those questions you raised. I am most vulnerable when I am working from my home office when my wife is at work. This creates the opportunity to engage in destructive behavior. I may need to look at being at my work office more, however that is an hour away. I will work on addressing these questions. You are right, both my wife and I deserve better than this.
I, too, seek the validation, checking continuously to see if anyone has commented on a post here or something on my personal or professional Facebook pages. Best thing to do is restrict yourself on work social media to one check per day. Give up personal completely, if you can. The biggest pain I caused my wife was an AFF account I created on an overnight work trip. I was upset with her for not coming along, so I felt I had the right to fish around for possible hookups, not really intending to do it, but seeing if I could. The moment I got an offer with a phone number, I logged out and deleted the account. I knew there would be no coming back from that. My wife doesn’t really believe that. Who could blame her?! But all that was to seek a validation, of sorts. Not really have an affair. Had she not discovered everything, it may have eventually led to that. My wife is sexy, the sexiest woman alive. And she’s super sexual. And it’s not enough for me? I actually told her to back off her sexuality some … while I was flapping to fantasies and pixels. That one hurts!
If you are looking to find a place away from home to work, look into your local library. Most libraries have “study rooms” that you can book and do your work. At my library they are very well windowed, so there’s no chance of avoiding being seen doing something I shouldn’t be. You could also consider working at a coffee shop. For the cost of a cup of coffee, you’ve got a public workspace that would keep you from acting out. Finally, if none of these sound like viable options, you could simply move your workspace in your house. Sometimes that’s enough to prevent you from acting out.
I’ve been trying to figure out why forever. So far I think the reasons stem from traumatized childhood. Sexual fantasies as a child was the only thing I could control in my life and that control made me feel good.
Thank you for your response. I appreciate your openness and candor. This destructive behavior that we engage in often is hardest on our wife and family. I know that is certainly the case for me. While my wife has not found out about my behavior, it has taken a toll in several ways. The things I have done, such as sharing her picture and talking about her with other men, is a betrayal. It betrays the trust that we have between us. My destructive behavior, including chat room participation, fantasizing, edging, has made it such that it is difficult for me to be intimate with my wife. All of this destructive behavior is taken its toll on my ability to maintain an erection when we are together. This is doubly frustrating because my wife is extremely sexy. Like you, I wonder why it is not enough for me. Hang in there, and do not be afraid to reach out if I can ever help.
I believe that some of these are viable options. There are times that I can work in the library or at a Starbucks. At times, I have also worked from our screen porch, which is a relatively open space, which some of our neighbors can view. All of these options would naturally cut down on my ability to be able to act out, and engage in destructive behavior. However, sometimes I need multiple monitors in order to function properly and what I need to do. For that, my office space is my only option. I think I will find a balance between these. I also need to increase my resolve to resist temptation. I am actively seeking a deferral mechanism, something I can do to push back the immediate temptation. I have an idea on that, which I am working on. Thanks again for your suggestions. I really appreciate the support.
Thank you for reaching out. I know it is widely held that childhood traumas can be at the root of many adult issues. I don't think that I can trace my WHY back to a childhood trauma. I think it is just a personality trait that leads me to seek validation and have a generally low self-confidence. Maybe something in my childhood triggered those characteristics. Keep looking for your WHY, and stay strong.
I truly hope you are able to stop and recover what’s been lost in the marriage. Remain strong, and thank you for YOUR openness.
I appreciate your support. I WILL work on recovering what I have discarded in my marriage. Stay in touch.
I’m one of the rare people in recovery that was always able to be intimate with my wife, even during the darkest of my addiction. However, I will say this: after giving up porn, and the excessive masturbation that comes with it, sex with my wife is so much better. It’s hard to describe. You can check some of my posts elsewhere where I try to. There’s something about it. You’re getting pleasure from both receiving and giving. You feel an emotional warmth that embraces you. The “heat” is still there, but it’s not contrived. There’s no disappointment in the end. Only elation. I don’t know if my wife feels the same way. She’s not a porn addict. Maybe she experiences this as “normal” sex. Either way, I can promise you: it’s worth it.
I am looking forward to getting back to that ecstasy I felt with sex with my wife. We didn't have the most frequent sex life, but man was it good. We had been in sync, and it was the perfect combination of love making and fucking. It is worth it! Thanks for the encouragement.
