Questioning my sexuality

Hi I am 25M and am trying to be honest and own up to the difficulties I have with porn, sex and the depression it's causing me.

I have been watching porn from a young age, around 13 and eventually found the niches I like. I want to note here that I have never had problems getting aroused with porn, in fact even the idea of watching it sometimes triggers that addiction shiver.

From 16 to 23 I had a relationship with a woman, and we would be able to have sex in general but more often than not, it would take a couple of tries, or we might have to stop and continue in a bit. However, we would usually have sex at least once every 1-2 days so it was alright.

My problem is that I've always found it easier to get aroused by porn than with an actual partner. I feel like I really block with a partner and sometimes the idea of sex just doesn't appeal to me unless I am already really horny. If I'm not in the mood, it's very difficult for me to get in the mood with a live person and sometimes I might be having sex and be in the mood and suddenly I just lose interest and need a break. This is especially true if I haven't had sex in a while. For example because with my ex we lived in different countries for a while, when we got together every time it would be hard at first to have sex, I'd feel super anxious, but the next day or a few days later I would start getting more comfortable again.

Now that I broke up with her, things have become more difficult. I feel like I don't have the libido and sexual desire to go out with someone most of the time, although I still desire human touch in non sexual forms and rarely even in sexual. I do get sexual urges but I just mainly want to masturbate/watch porn I don't feel attracted to the idea of having sex. I did have a ONS one time and had a small 3 month relationship that did have sex difficulties but we were able to have sex quite a few times overall.

Preferring porn to sex is very depressing to me and I'm wondering if this is some form of asexuality, maybe I'm just not interested enough in women? If I was then I would yearn to have sex with them not just enjoy watching them in porn, right? Why can't I just look at a hot woman and feel the urge to have sex with her? I've tried stopping to watch porn completely and just masturbate here and there with the thought of sex, but I am just not that aroused and sometimes it's hard to.

I've been talking with a girl for a few months now and we're finally going to be in the same place in a few days and will finally meet up and I am so scared of getting into something sexual with her that I almost want to cancel everything.

Thankfully, I have good groups of friends and spend lots of time doing my hobbies such as practicing brazilian jiu jitsu, lifting weights and learning programming and hacking that I don't dwell in my depression all day but I don't know how to deal with it. I try to stay as positive as possible but I don't know what to do, should I just accept that I'm just not that into sex? Could it be PIED?

 

Just wanted to give you all an update. I mentioned in my previous post that I had a date planned with this girl I've been talking to. The night before the day of the date I could barely sleep, would keep waking up, and would be all sweaty. I was anxious during the day as well. My fear is not meeting the girl, talking to the girl, I'm actually quite social and good at conversation but the thought of it getting sexual would drive me crazy. We went out and had a really good time, she was absolutely stunning. We also made out quite a lot and I even got erect for a bit a couple of times. The problem is, when I got erect I wasn't thinking of actually wanting to have sex with her, it's as if I'm not interested in that at all. I just liked kissing her and wanted to continue making out. The thought that we would actually have sex, if that was the case would be a sure way for me to lose my erection and become completely blocked and uninterested.

Now she wants to meet up and have sex and I don't know what to do, the thought makes me start to sweat and even though she's beautiful and hot I just can't get myself interested in having sex with her. She even sexted me a bit and I could just get semierect no matter how hard I tried. My sexual behavior is so fucked up, I've tried thinking about her and masturbating but just even that makes me so self conscious that I just instantly lose interest and erection. I just wish I could do something to be able to enjoy having sex with her, it's so sad. I can't even keep the erection most of the time and only get erect AFTER I feel like I'm close to ejaculating which is extremely weird.

I just wish women could turn me on the way porn always did.

 

I really agree about the kicking the porn part and I haven't been watching for months now with some very rare relapses, but I am not convinced not masturbating is the way to go, I would've thought it would be easier to try to reprogram my brain by masturbating to doing sexual things with real people, even though this is quite hard currently. I noticed that even when I try to do that, I find myself thinking about different girls each time, which might also be a result of porn addiction with all the variety. I wonder if anyone else has noticed this.

Good luck with that mate. For me it hasn't been hard getting away from porn, I've actually done that for months on end this year. But it has been hard having a libido while staying away from it, that's why I feel like I'm almost becoming asexual from time to time. And when you couple this with performance anxiety that there's someone there actually expecting things from me it becomes even worse.

 

Hi again, here with another update. Last night the girl I've been trying to date told me we could go to a friend's house which was available, and even though I was EXTREMELY ANXIOUS and not in the mood and felt like I wanted to disappear of the face of the earth, I tried to fight it and said yes. Besides, it was bound to happen at some point.

To help me feel a little better I took a small (25 mg) dose of ED pill. It was a roller coaster of a night, where I would be able to get an erection but not keep it for long during sex, especially with a condom. We were able to have sex for a bit but I would always lose the erection eventually because something was blocking me from actually feeling that rush that keeps you on the road to ejaculating. I am trying to understand what it was.

A couple of things of interest I noticed was, that every time I would need a small break and we would just relax and start making out with some touching, I would be able to regain the erection but it was very difficult for me to move on to having sex, I think it's something traumatic that kills the vibe for me eventually. This is probably where porn kicks in, where you just touch yourself, I don't feel such a need to actually get in the process for sex. Also, I noticed that in an attempt to try to get myself more turned on I would automatically try to think of porn scenes that really turn me on or something like that, which is really disgusting, and it actually had the opposite result, it would make me feel sick with myself and remind myself of my addiction. Maybe that's a good thing I guess.

Overall I am partially happy that I was able to have some sex at least, but really disheartened that I was not looking forward to it that much and I couldn't enjoy it so much personally. Hopefully, the experience will be helpful to rewire my brain a bit. I keep thinking back to the whole thing and either get depressed that I couldn't perform well with a girl that I think is really beautiful and hot or I get a bit hopeful that maybe I can eventually get back to feeling more comfortable and looking forward to sex if i have more of it.

Anyone has an opinion on the use of ED pills to help get rewired to regular sex? I feel like it is the right thing to do to get confidence up and and remind my body what it's like to have sex. I was thinking of getting a big higher dose next time and hopefully have some more normal sex.