how are you coping

Hey there, welcome to the forum!

It's common in the early stages of porn/sex addiction recovery to wrestle with intense, overwhelming shame and guilt. People write here about that all the time. This is because you have not understood the addiction well enough to see the whole picture of what's happening to you. Porn is a sophisticated global machine that is designed to ruin us sexually. So it's not strange this is happening to you. It's happening to everyone, and you're just waking up to it. Yes, PMO is a shameful activity but shame is not helpful anymore. Don't be ashamed, just get wise to what's going on.

Spend more time reading and reflecting. Journaling helps a lot. You need to spend less time being upset and more time thinking. I like to use the war metaphor a lot. It helps me. Think of it like two camps, one on a hill and one in a valley. Your camp is in the valley and the enemy camp is on the hill. Every night the enemy descends to raid your camp and kill your men while sleeping. Then every morning you find the dead and spend all day mourning them. Everyone in your camp is too busy feeling sad every day to realize that they need to move out of the valley. So you're just stuck there until you wake up and start paying attention to the situation. Make sense?

 

Talking about it with people online is a great and free form of therapy, your story reminds me of my experience in many ways and nobody but myself knows the horrific things I did during my lowest moments, things that I'll likely be taking to the grave, things which also included seeing numerous escorts in real life and acting out fetishes and fantasies that I got from porn. But all of that is in the past now and I can't change it, yes it sucks that it happened but you can't alter the past you can only learn from it and make sure you don't repeat it.

In terms of support system, this is a good site for that, if you ever want to talk about it feel free to send me a DM. Cheers.

 

Dude that’s not that bad. I always found when I was warn out, hungover or felt pissed off at myself. I’d be drawn to the submissive sex. If it makes you feel crap which it does with me you want to try and get past the urges and the next day will feel so much brighter. But in all honesty hearing off escorts and masseuses it’s really common to get a prostate massage at a parlour and my phycologist also said strap on play is very common in relationships. You’ve got a g spot up there and tbh at times it feels good it’s how we’re designed. It can escalate though if you let it. But I wouldn’t beat yourself up nearly every bloke has tried it and the ones that haven’t are probably homophobe pussies. You’re turned on by a female that’s skilled at what she does, probably to have a break. Do you have a stressful life you want to escape from and let go of control for a bit. Do you always play the dominant giver in your relationship sex? It gets tiring trying to be in your A game all the time. Some people will drink whiskey you’ve used sex. Read some Brene Brown dude it’s no big deal.

 

I want to point out that while you feeling shamed, disguist which is normal considering your situations. Reality is that you are quite good - you have supportive girlfriend which is very rare, and you recognized bad things early and there could be far far worse.
I don't know if you aware of that, but to open up sensitive things to woman is good, if you constantly complain about it to your woman - you will be rejected. Just don't make your woman your therapist.
Simply try to open your mind and not shame yourself in any way, first of all your desires to try out some strange things are not complelty yours idea, guess from where you learned that mostly?
I personally had no supportive girlfriend and had been in much worse situation then you. Value what you have and be happy that you find out it early, but in same time do not devalue negative porn effect and act acordingly. Don't let it escalate so you get taste it yourself, better learn from others mistakes.