New to Forum - 30 Days In

Hey guys,

I'm Jeremy, and I'm 26. I first started watching porn when I was 13 years old and it very quickly became a crutch for me. My pre-teen/teenage self had social anxiety and didn't know how to handle my sexual desires, so I leaned on porn as a way to fulfill those sexual desires, while also hiding them from the people around me. I wouldn't have to put myself out there and get rejected by women. I could just PMO and be fine. I also just didn't have the social skills to even make new friends.

As I grew older, I always felt that porn was something I shouldn't consume, but I didn't fully understand why. On top of this, porn was really my only vice, so I would justify my use as being "not that bad," because I didn't have any other addictions. In fact, it wasn't until recently that I began to accept it was an addiction. I tried quitting many times in the past, but found it incredibly difficult to make it even past 7 days without it.

I've very much been a functioning porn addict. I am a very productive person. I always have some project I'm working on, and I've always been that way. When I'm working on a project I don't think about porn, but the second that I get bored or have nothing else to work on, or even just go to bed, I would immediately go back to it.

About 6 months ago, I finally had the courage to try and build up my social skills so I could make new friends, and form romantic connections with women. In me doing that, however, I began to realize that my porn use was detrimental to those goals. So I began doing research on the affects of porn on the brain and I started to realize what I had done to myself by consuming porn for over a decade. I also started to realize that the way I viewed women and would try to connect with them was not healthy and it needed to change.

When I stopped watching porn, it was a daily habit, and I'm happy to say that I have now gone 30 days without consuming it. It has not been easy, but it also hasn't been incredibly hard, although I feel it's getting more difficult as time progresses. I have experienced headaches, insomnia, fatigue, brain fog, and most recently an uptick in general anxiety. I even had a panic attack one night while I was at work. I feel that I may be heading for the notorious flatline, although I don't know. I feel good about where I'm at, but I'm concerned that with my anxiety ramping up, I may convince myself, in a weak moment, that the only way to overcome my anxiety is to begin watching porn again, and have a relapse.

I will say that my mindset is completely different than past times that I've tried quitting, and I believe that's why I've made it further than I have before. For example, my approach this time has gotten me working with a friend of mine as an accountability partner, I'm being more open to people about it (for example today I told a good friend of mine and my sister about my porn addiction), I'm using an accountability app, and I'm now on this forum. All of these were things I have never done in the past, and I've always just tried to hide my use.

Even with my concerns of the next 30-60 days being more difficult, I am in this for the long haul. I don't have a choice anymore. I need to overcome this addiction, otherwise I will never be able to have the relationships, platonic and romantic, that I've always wanted and know that I deserve.

Thank you for reading and any advice you have. I look forward to being a part of this community.