soft sexual content porn addiction and PIED?

Hi everyone!

I've read some of the others' stories on PIED here and have not found quite the same as my story so maybe there's someone who has come across something similar to this.

I'm in my thirties now. In terms of porn for some 20 years I have mostly looked at photos of hot (probably unrealistic? but not fake) women, mostly daily, sometimes more than once a day. For years looking at this kind of photos on the web was my only way of sexual stimulation (up to until 23 years of age when I had sex for the first time). I think a lot of this masturbation to porn was done to relieve boredom, lift mood, relieve anxiety etc. I would say there has been a compulsive element to all this. Typically I would continue watching and searching for "the most suitable photos" for hours, partly masturbating during this time and with my erection going away and returning (in some extent) numerous times. With hindsight I would say ED was present already in my teens before I had sex for the first time as I wouldn't get fully hard without touching myself during masturbation to porn.

I believe I have had ED during all my intimate relationships (less than 5 long term relationships, nothing casual) and starting already in my teens with extensive masturbation. My porn use has diminished but because sex has been such a chore (constant difficulties obtaining and sustaining an erection) it has pushed me to prefer masturbating to porn (no guilt when erection comes and goes) to having actual sex. I have always found my partner to be very attractive but the ED has always been present... This has now changed - I realize I have had ED all this time and absolutely hate myself for it. I want to be able to connect physically to my partner without my own body blocking me (its absolutely driving me crazy).

I'm generally healthy, normal weight, I do exercise regularly. Right now I'm taking daily tadalafil as well and have stopped watching porn a week ago. The doctor has some tests planned and I'm going through with them but I actually have gone through some testing before with zero indication of any physical disease that would need treatment.

As I never had proper understanding of "normal erections" I have only now come to realize the extent of the role ED has had on my life (I thought I had normal variation of erection during sexual activity but my wife has convinced me that this is not the case) and I'm also thinking it might be PIED due to my history with porn.

I am used to working to achieve my goals but I'm somewhat at a loss what to do about my ED/PIED. My goal is to have sex with my wife without the ED. I'm a bit lost on how to best get there though:
- is my use of porn considered porn addiction? I thought with porn addiction usually people watch videos of other people actually having sex?
- in addition to not watching porn should I also not watch sexually arousing photos of my wife? I mean I do also see her everyday -- that must be OK? Can she not wear revealing clothes around me? I can say I have felt more attraction to her since I no longer look at porn. My difficulties with ED haven't improved though. So I'm pretty confused. When I do obtain an erection (I feel tadalafil helps there somewhat) it dissapears quickly when sex starts which is devastating to the experience for me and my wife. My wife understands the problem but she is obviously pretty fed up with it, and I fully understand...
- not watching porn is not that difficult but I now want to masturbate (and have done it a number of times the past week) to photos of my wife or just initiate sex with my wife, where I am then unlikely to perform...

Does anyone have suggestions how I should approach this mess?

 

I can't say I have gone a month without PMO right now because I did look at photos of my partner and on a few occasions for testing I have also looked at these artificial stimuli. I've also had sex with my partner. I have discovered that I need to stimulate my penis manually to obtain an erection - with my partner and also while masturbating. There is no difference if I am with my partner, only fantasize or watch porn - my penis might change shape somewhat but it remains flaccid. I also remember that it used to be different - I could get an erection without touching myself in my early teens - but for some 15-20 years now I need to manually stimulate myself to obtain an erection. There have been occasions when no touching has been enough, but these are like maybe once a year random sexually stimulating situations with nothing in common I can think of.
Some of the testing at the doctor's is still ongoing. I'm continuing to take daily tadalafil 5 mg. Tests that have been done so far have not given any indication of disease. I hope the testing is concluded next week and I will also see my doctor again then.

For now I have decided to not watch porn or masturbate with my first intention being to go 90 days without these things (I reset my timer as well). Since I have discovered porn only makes me want to get an erection but won't actually give me one, it shouldn't be difficult to abstain from it. I see no point in avoiding sex with my partner if she is interested. It's just that I myself can't initiate sex because sadly without the ability to obtain an erection without touching myself I cant make her feel I want her. I need to get back my ability to obtain an erection without physically touching myself...