Life feels unreal

Back then the image of a girl is enough for me to get in the mood and masturbate.
And when I approached girls I liked (sexually). I feel intense feelings both romantic and sexual.
But now it doesn't work for me. and also I am finding them less attractive. Even if they had good sexual features(hip, ass, etc).
And the thought of me being a girl getting penetrated turns me on instantly. Now I am currently suppressing these thoughts.
And I did three days of no PMO. And I went outside to see if my attraction is back. But it isn't, but sometimes I get aroused but sometimes I won't.
I think I messed myself up so badly. So after three days of no pmo, I tried masturbating
To a vanilla fantasy. I got turned on and orgasmed. But the orgasm felt less intense.

I also noticed a lot of weird things. I get turned on when near a woman. but when imagining them I couldn't.

Now I am a little scared about my future. Now I am 18. At the age of 24 or 25. My parents will fix marriage for me. My thought is what if I became impotence? And only get turned on by this weird fantasy. And I can't have children. This feels like a nightmare.

I am currently having suicidal thoughts. And haven't eaten for 3 days. and every single day feels like a fever dream. I wish I stayed away from this pornography hellhole.

Now I relapsed again. I don't even know what to do anymore.

When I think About my parents it makes cry.they believe me that I was always a good kid. They still have a lot of faith in me . I am their only child. Sometimes I wish if they had another . But it's too late I think so.

 

What do u mean ?. To be honest my brain really got damaged .