Everyday, I wake up and let my ocd control me because I cant do anything as it has a strong hold over me. Tried therapy and it did not work. Over time it got worse to the point where I would wake up in the morning with intrusive thoughts. I am sick. I fear I will not get better. All these years of porn ruined me and my thoughts. Everyday I cry because I am a prisoner of my mind. I cry to be released from this thoughts but no hope. Nothing works. I cry so hard at night because I cant do anything to fix my mind because it keeps getting worse everyday. I contemplate about death all the time. I have been fighting PMO for 13 years of my life. OCD 6 years and its been hell. I am sick to point of no return. I dont see the light at the end of the tunnel like everyone says. Fuel my depression and OCD all day. I keep telling my self for the past 6 years its gonna get better, but its not. I just want my life back with good memories. I live with doubt everyday and I question every movement in my life if its real or just a thought/doubt. I just wished that I could have my thoughts back. Porn has ruined me so that it kills me to know that I have given up hope. Even after 1 millions tries. I will not beat it. I am a prisoner to OCD. Years of porn use and escalation ruined me. Developed HOCD, POCD, blasphemous intrusive thoughts, etc. Sometimes some people never heal and recover and I believe I am that person. Been trying for many years to beat OCD and Porn.
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time with everything, but your life is not hopeless. It sounds like you've convinced yourself that you're hopeless and beyond help, but that's not the case. It won't be quick or easy, but you CAN get better. You just have to want it bad enough to work at it. Just like so many addicts (not just sex/porn/lust addicts, but addicts of anything) who complain about not being able to stay sober from their drug of choice. If we're being truly honest, the truth is not that we can't stay sober, its that we chose not to stay sober. They just didn't want sobriety enough to stay sober. Its going to be a similar fight in your case. You're going to need regular therapy, and possibly medication. You're going to have to get into a routine that keeps you from falling back into that mindset that you're beyond help. I'd start by seeking out a therapist who is trained and certified in this area and stick with it. Good luck, my friend!
What you just said is a truth 100%. I know from experience too because I keep fucking up and going back to those destructive unfulfilling toxic behaviours. Some thoughts cross my mind along the lines saying “If you really want to quit this, to recover and heal, you would take this seriously. You say you’re trying hard doesn’t mean shit because you’re clearly not trying hard enough. You keep recommitting but doing nothing about it except reading stuff to help, watching videos related to nofap, journalling here and there, then forgiving yourself, then pmo’ing, writing abour the relapse on here, repeating the cycle”. So ask yourself this, how badly do you want to quit? Are you really giving this your 100% or half assing it? What changes/implementations are you doing in your life to actually help you on this journey?Are you still contributing to any risky behaviours which could possibly do more harm than good? Are you leaving things for tomorrow instead of starting right now in this present moment? Those are things I’d ask myself too because I’m pretty down bad right now as of writing this too. I feel you on a lot of what you’re going through @Ishy , you got this though I believe in you. It is possible, it can be done, it will be done. Never give up, no matter how low you think you’ve dropped to, no matter how broken you may feel. Stay up, stay strong, wishing you the best.
I feel really sorry for you and let me tell you that I've been there, a bit differently, but similarly. I had to defeat my 14-year-old addiction and only afterwards I've discovered that I had an OCD. However, in my case, I live a fine life, so maybe that fact will be at least a new glimmer of hope for you. I decided to never PMO again, have been training fencing, doing a doctorate, marrying, and all of that knowing that I wouldn't be able to get what I wanted without taking care of my addiction for good. I hope that you'll find something that despite numerous failures and roadblocks will rekindle a flame in you to fight the current yourself. It's possible, it always is, as much as our mind lies to us that it isn't possible. I wish you all the strength.
I hear your frustration. However, the idea that “nothing works” is not true. Same for being a “prisoner.” Begin the work of transmutation, self-reflection and meditation. Today. If you work every single day then change will GRADUALLY start to happen.
Let's go! You can do it. Many of us have been in the same situation as you. Be mindful of the words you use and the things you listen to, such as music. Start listening to positive things.
Hey man, I don't have OCD but I have severe mental illness and part of that is obsessive thoughts. It can be really difficult at time. Blasphemous thoughts, violent thoughts, gay thoughts, delusional thoughts can all start repeating in my mind. It's like a CD that keeps skipping. I take an antidepressant that keeps them at bay. I still get them sometimes, just not as badly. Right now my obsessive thought is that I have lymphoma because I have a swollen lymph node. Therapy doesn't help. It's just something I have to live with.
